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Worthless....


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I am turning 21 soon. I am getting old fast... Thing is my whole life I felt old, and everyone told me how old I am... That I am the oldest, I gotta grow up. From the time I was like 8 I heard this. Maybe before.... I just don't remeber that much before that....

Thing is, I always felt so worthless... I never could do anything right, and I was too young for everything, and too old at the same time... I know it sounds sorta dumb...

I am not particually smart, or good at anything. My past is sorta a mess, and whole long abuse story (not my family) when I was younger... I won't really get into it... But it made me feel old. I dunno, I wish for a week I could just feel young....

Main thing is, I am almost 21.... Getting up there... I mean not old, but not a kid by any means... I live at home still. I got till august 17 to get out.

My dad died a few months ago, and ever since then my mom just wants me out... I can understand. Thing is when my dad was around deal was I was gonna live here till I turned 22 or 23 and finish school. I would love to go away to school, but I am not smart or watever, and I can't afford it.

So community college it is. And when I stick with it, I do ok. But I have a hard time with that at times...

I need to get out... But I don't even know how. I can't drive. Never been able to pass the test. I panic to much. (I have panic disorders). That is one of the problems, of why I have a hrd time holding a job. Partly I am bipolar, and have pretty bad mood swings, I just get really depressed at times... Other times so manic I don't sleep for a while.

At least if I could drive I could live in my car or what ever. But I have no money. Can't drive. No real way of getting money... (except a few offers from dirty old men, but I really don't want to do that....) I have no degree... And I might eventually be able to get one, but hard part is I need to focus a lot on what ever it is I am trying to do.... If its school, that is all I can do at the time, and I can't do many classes at once...

Its like a big universal joke... I have a IQ of 169... Pretty good huh? But I am dislexic, ADHD, bipolar, panic disorders, borderline personality disorder, and OCD, PTSD... I honstly think the doctors just don't know what to make of me so slap 300 lables on me.

I just don't know what to do now.... I mean where do I go? What do I do? Part of the problem, I got a bf living in england... Well if I got no house, I can't contact him in anyway... He is going school there for a while more, and said he can try to get the money for me to go there, but he is broke... And I don't mind living on the streets really... Just more don't wanna lose him, and like I said, if I at least had a car...

I dunno... My deadline looms nearer... And Maybe they are all right... My family and such... I have always been pretty much worthless... I contribute nothing, I am pathetic, a waste of space.. I just don't know what to do about it, or how to make it better...

If anyone has any ideas...

Oh another reason I have trouble finding work is I SI a LOT. My arms are pretty bad... So not many people wanna hire me. Plus in and out of M hosp... doesn't look too hot on a record...

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Oh, telescopium, you are not worthless, you are not worthless. It's hard to believe when it's been whispered behind your back and said to your face, and doubly hard when it's a shadow of your own voice inside repeating it, but the truth is that you are NOT worthless.

Your post sounds like a number of difficult circumstances are being thrown at you while you're in a depressed swing. Knowing you're bipolar, I hope that at least some segment of your mind realizes that everything looks worse than it is because you're depressed, and that the depression is not permanent. True, things certainly aren't a bed of roses, but the way you see them is a negative distortion of how they really are. Normal becomes bad, and bad becomes awful, and awful becomes unlivable. However bad things look, there ARE ways to mitigate their impact.

Community college is hardly the stuff of dreams, but it can be a place to receive a solid undergraduate education. Weren't they initially founded to make higher education available to everyone, not just those who could afford to jet off to a metropolitan bastion of academe? There's no shame in attending community college or state universities. You go. You learn. You gain experience and some sort of credentials.

It's just harder for those of us who drag excess baggage: financial difficulties, unsupportive families, mental and emotional problems, learning and physical disabilities, and heavy memories. For us, I think it's a small triumph each day we make it to class, and another if we manage to learn. Perhaps we need to know that we are there to accomplish something, and that the sacrifices we make to attend will eventually lead to a goal. Maybe all we need is everything.

August 17 is still three weeks away. There is still time to make arrangements to avoid living on the street. It's possible, certainly, and survivable, but I doubt anyone would recommend it. Do you live in an urban area? If so, there may be shelters you could stay in. Some go with night-by-night rotation, while others take applicants and reserve beds for "extended" (read: a few weeks or months) periods of time in which you might be able to get yourself independently established. If you are part of a church or other supportive community, there might be someone there willing to take you in either for free, or in exchange for non-sexual services, like childcare or farm labor. Do you have any local friends? There's a chance one of them might let you stay for a few weeks or months. Are any social services offered by your local hospital, state government, or whatever else? Nearly everywhere, there are avenues by which to avoid literally sleeping on the street, even if you are technically homeless. You have three weeks with internet and a phone line: do research.

You mentioned you were having trouble finding and holding a job, primarily with the second part. In regards to your scars and fresher injuries, I suggest proper bandaging and long sleeves. Even if your place of employment has short-sleeved uniforms, you can often get away with wearing a long-sleeved shirt underneath. Nonstick gauze and/or those colored rubbery things (I forget where they're available, but maybe someone on the SI board can help you out) can keep recent wounds from showing. You might also be able to get away with those punk armbands (like a cross between fingerless gloves and socks?) or long gloves. Some workplaces will permit creative camouflage, while others have a more restrictive dress code. Nearly all will permit long sleeves.

You mentioned you've been having some severe mood swings lately. Are you currently receiving treatment for your bipolar, or is this something that's kind of slipped away? If you are receiving proper care, how long has this cycling been going on? What has been done about it? No one here has a magic bullet, but this community can be a great place to brainstorm treatment options for receptive but uncreative (and frustrated) doctors to try. Severe cycling doesn't necessarily have to be a way of life. There may very well be a drug cocktail which will keep your moods in the midrange so you can consistently function.

Are you being treated for your BPD, OCD, PTSD, and panic disorders? Which medications are you taking, or have you taken? Are you in talking therapy with a decent therapist? I know now is not a good time to bring up things which will cost money, but having a good psychotherapist on your side can be enormously helpful. Perhaps your school offers on-campus counseling services? I've had a bloody awful school counselor, and I have a wonderful one. They, like all other people, are a mixed bag. It might be an option for you. Are you familiar with DCBT/DBT for BPD treatment? It's very effective for many people (though others find it unhelpful to insulting). Just like with pharmacological treatments, your mileage may vary. It's still something to consider. And for the whole whack of disorders you've listed, you definitely need a good psychiatrist. They don't need to be a specialist in each and every one of your diagnoses, but they do have to be someone competent and intelligent who you trust. If you feel you can work with a given psychiatrist, and they know their head from their asshole, you've probably found a winner.

All schools I've attended have offered special services for students with learning disabilities, a category in which they usually include ADHD. I know nothing about your school, but is there a chance they also offer some sort of help for LDs? Extra tutoring, special examination conditions, coaching, flexible deadlines with due notice, notetakers, the option to tape record lectures -- something? The range and quality of services varies from school to school, but most have some sort of assistance set up for students with dyslexia and other LDs. If they do, it might help you.

One of the reasons I suggested you research social services has more to do with employment than with finding shelter. Through the social worker to whom I've been assigned through the hospital (how this happened in the space of twenty minutes the first day I met my psychiatrist, post-diagnosis, never quite registered), I have applied to and qualified for a supported employment program through a local employment service. They offer interview assistance, coaching, customized placement, on-site followup visits, mediation between employer and disabled employee, and a number of other services. It is their job to help people like us find, land, and keep jobs -- and they don't charge. I consider myself wildly fortunate to have stumbled into this, waiting list and all. (I'm still waiting.) I don't suppose there are programs exactly like it in every major city on the continent, but mightn't there be something helpful? Social workers and the like recognize that mentally ill patients have difficulty maintaining a fulfilling job. They're often connected to SOMEthing intended to fill that gap.

What is your ideal situation for the near future? Is it to get your driver's license, buy a car, and live from it for the next couple of years? Is it to find a job of some kind, get an apartment (maybe with roommates, difficult though that can be if you can't STAND sharing space with others), and go to school, perhaps with the help of student loans? Is it to pack up and fly to England? Whatever it is, there is likely a way to achieve it, so long as your intentions are realistic. (Saying "I want to be a ballerina in Botswana," for example, is probably not going to happen.) Define what you want, and work towards it. There has got to be a way to break through whatever obstacles lie in your path, even if you have to kick them down with your steel-toed boots.

Depression bites. I know this. We all, on this board, know this. That all of this is being thrown at you so soon after your father's death likely makes it even more difficult for you. Nonetheless, you can survive. You can get a hold of the right people, the right services, and the right money to make it through to the other side. I have no idea what will be there, but someday you can tell stories about the insanity you've weathered within and without (since difficult lives are the stuff of legend... with a whole lot of tedium thrown in). You can get through this.

And if all else seems too hard... just keep breathing. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. If you can maintain this one tiny thing, everything else tends to work out.

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Guest luli2545

Hi Telescopium,

You sure aren't all those ratty nasty things people have told you.... even if you've made mistakes, maybe big ones, you aren't a mistake. You're a person with a life, with problems, with goals, like the rest of us.

Street living sucks big. Shelters are better. Junior Colleges & community colleges do have resources that may apply to your situation. Have patience, make phone calls, make appts. (and keep them!) and find a sympathetic ear. It's probably hard for you with the death of your dad... to even keep simple things going. Maybe keep things simple for a bit... if you have to leave, where? (ask at the community colleges, ask at the shelters) then get that straightened around and do the school or London thing.

In the state where I live we have Community Mental Health... they do free meds and counseling; paperwork to fill out etc. And even going to social services to get food stamps.... it's work to get it but you can get it. And there are food banks and stuff, some at churches (you don't have to be a member; you DO have to feel like you deserve to be helped. Which you do. We all do. Deserve to be helped.)

No matter what stuff has made it so your mom, was it, who is making you get out...you deserve to be helped! And there are places out there to give you help. You gotta do the footwork, phone calls, checking things out etc.

I wish you good luck! And I am sorry about the loss of your dad. Let us know how you are getting on.

Luli2545

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Thing is, I always felt so worthless... I never could do anything right, and I was too young for everything, and too old at the same time... I know it sounds sorta dumb...

>snip<

I need to get out... But I don't even know how. I can't drive. Never been able to pass the test. I panic to much. (I have panic disorders). That is one of the problems, of why I have a hrd time holding a job. Partly I am bipolar, and have pretty bad mood swings, I just get really depressed at times... Other times so manic I don't sleep for a while.

>snip<

I just don't know what to do now.... I mean where do I go? What do I do? Part of the problem, I got a bf living in england... Well if I got no house, I can't contact him in anyway... He is going school there for a while more, and said he can try to get the money for me to go there, but he is broke... And I don't mind living on the streets really... Just more don't wanna lose him, and like I said, if I at least had a car...

Oh another reason I have trouble finding work is I SI a LOT. My arms are pretty bad... So not many people wanna hire me. Plus in and out of M hosp... doesn't look too hot on a record...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Something in your post makes me _so_ angry with the world. All my experience screams at me that you are NOT worthless! Sure you are different, but given how crappy the so called "normal world" is, that is Good. You just need space to learn to function in your own way.

It sounds as if you carry the weight of thousand put downs. Somebody has dumped a truckload of hell on you. Reject it. Let it all slide off.

Let the others own their own stress, don't make it yours.

Slow everything down. Cool the emotions. Haunt a library or something to get yourself out of your mothers hair for awhile.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi agian,

No access to a pc for a bit so haven't gotten to reply before this. 

As far as treatments go... Nothing at the moment.  Just stopped about a year ago, and actually was WAY better.  I still see a psychatrist, and he pretty much acts like I am a lower life form, and when I said I wanted to stop meds awhile back he acted like it can't be done.  I just got tired of living my life on, med after med after med.  They would switch all the time.  I would be on side effects, withdrawal and ajustments constantly.  Be on one and drop me completely.  At one point I was taking 34 pills a day.  That seems so extreem! 

Yarg.  coming out of depression a bit at least.  Signed up for classes again this fall.  Hope my mom lets me stay a while longer. If not, whatever, I'll figure it out later :| 

Thanks for all the replies all! I hope things will get better.  Just to many people being stupid and dumping shit on me I don't need right now.  Mean ppl... 

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Glad to see you back.

Just too many people being stupid and dumping shit on me I don't need right now.  Mean ppl...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's exactly what I thought was happening. We need slick duck feathers to let such things just slide off our backs.

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