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The worst thing about getting fat is...


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So, I could rant all day really.  I lost 35 lbs 3-4 years ago and have been steadily putting it back on since then.  Over the past few months it has gotten to the point where I am officially fat again.  Here are my main gripes...

THE WORST THINGS ABOUT BEING FAT:

- The crap that accumulates in the bottomless pit you call a belly button.  What the hell is it?  Soap scum?  Body nast?  Intestinal ooze?  Whatever it is, it is gross.  Then when you try to get it out and it's all smelly....  God that is beyond gross. 

- Lying on your side and looking down at your belly as a whole seperate entity.  I swear I feel like I could just cut it off with a huge pair of scissors and be OK.  Probably goes out a good foot past my hips.  OK - maybe 8 inches, but still.

- The pimples you get between your legs when it is really hot and the friction between your thighs gets too much.  Ewwwww

- Looking at pictures in magazines of "overweight" people and realizing THEY AREN'T THAT OVERWEIGHT!!!  I was reading Self in the hair salon yesterday and they had a picture of a headless woman in a bathing suit (because really, she should be ashamed) above an article about being 300lbs.  There was NO WAY that this woman was over 250.  I weigh 195 and she MIGHT have been a bit bigger than me.

- Being on the meds that make you want to eat all the time and being all paranoid anyway and always thinking people are watching you eat.  And feeling like you have to give them excuses like, "God, I am so hungry, I had a peanut for lunch and a piece of toast for breakfast, so I can justify eating a burrito the size of a small child for dinner..." 

- OR, NOT eating that much and STILL being fat, or big or meaty or whatever.  So that you think people are looking at you and saying to themselves "That's all she's eating?  She must go home and eat pints and pints of Ben and Jerry's by herself." 

- Wishing you could go on coke or speed or something, because even you might kill yourself or spin off into some nightmare Mania-land, AT LEAST YOU WON'T BE FAT.  In other words, not caring about your mental health as long as you look good on the outside! 

Feel free to add your own.  ((((bloat)))) ;)

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--seeing photos of yourself when you were a teenager and realising that though you spent a ridiculous amount of time beating yourself up for being fat, you were in fact tiny

--seeing the size 10 pants hanging in your closet that you fit into just a few years ago with a healthy layer of dust

--listening to your friends bitch about "getting SO FAT!" because they are now *gasp* 132 pounds

--backfat and chunky trunk

--realising that when you stop dancing, your body keeps jiggling for another few seconds

--overhearing your "friends" saying that you could be really hot if you weren't so overweight

--foregoing sex because you don't want to get naked in front of anyone 

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ok, I just spit coke on my monitor from laughing...

**telling people you are not pregnant

**telling people that you just had the baby

**having to "take" your boobs with you when you turn over

**realizing your cat thinks those boobs are her special pillow and you'd better not turn over without her permission

**lifting the belly fat up in order to clean under the folds

**sleeveless dresses that have arm holes the size of a soccer ball-hey the arms are not that big, are they? hmmm...

**not being able to see your crotch when you are driving--just seeing the belly

**not seeing your feet--hoping they are on the right pedal

**sex? what is that?

Spike

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--Boob sweat.  Good lord, I hate boob sweat.

--wearing two sports bras to work out so that I don't knock myself out (though to be totally fair, i've always had to do this, even when i was thin.  i've got a big rack.)

--wedging into airplane seats that have somehow become fit only for an anorexic 5 year old. 

--adding insult to insult by having to stretch the equally miniscule seatbelt for the teeny airplane seat to it's maximum to pull it across your belly, ensuring you will have to pee within 30 seconds and then knock everyone in the face with your hips and ass as you walk down the teensy aisle to wedge yourself into the teensy bathroom that already smells like shit

...no, I'm not bitter at all.

OOOH!!!  --BUTTON UP SHIRTS!!  Make some button up shirts for girls with tits!  I can take an eye out simply by arching my back a nanocentimeter

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OMG I forgot about fat sex. 

How about trying to FIND your clit through the fat?  I can only open my legs so wide before they break you know.  "Pardon me while I use my hands to part the Red Sea of fat between my legs and my belly so you can find something to fuck!" 

OR feeling like your skinny boyfriend is going to bounce off into space orbit from thrusting you and your belly thrusting back. 

OR being in the middle of some decent thrusting and feeling halfway good until you look down and see the rippling effect of the waves of fat emmenating from your poo-naanie. 

OR imaging what your longtime BF must be thinking now that you got fat - "Damn, had I known she was going to get so fat I wouldn't have pursued her so hard..."

OR hearing the telltale sound of not only 2 bodies slapping together, but your thighs, belly, rolls, slapping together...

OR having to change from the low setting on your "Electric boyfriend" to the high setting just so you feel something through the ooze that is you?????

Goddamn it - I'm going out for sushi.

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----Having not just jeans, but 25 YEARS of size 10 clothing!  Honey, we're talking 3 closets full!!  I own bathing suits and ball gowns and wool suits and tailored trousers and they're all size 10.  And they all fit me less than a year ago....

----Walking past a store window, glancing at the reflection and saying: "Who's the big broad with the fat jelly-belly?  ooops....

----Buying my first-ever size 16 bathing suit.

----Knowing that I now weigh more than my best friend from college....and he's 6' tall!!

----Bending over to put my shoes on.  My stomach is so big it's hard to do this.

----I second the back-fat.  eeuuuwwwww

----It has been a miserably hot summer, but I refuse to wear shorts, looking like this.

The only good thing about it--for women of a certain age---is that the weight gain plumped up my facial wrinkles.  "She has such a pretty face.  Why doesn't she do something about her weight?"

olga the whale

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Guest PinkToo2grrl

-having to buy briefs instead of bikinis because the fat rolls over the bikini top and folds it in half right when you are in the middle of having a serious converstaion with someone at work and you feel that "plink", and you just KNOW you have made a very strange face in response to the plink, and yet you can't readjust because they're looking at you funny for having made the weird face!

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From a fat man's view:

-- having your gut referred to as a dick-do...as in it sticks out further than your dick do.

-- jeans...goddamn things are made for skinny folks...fuckers.

-- pleats, I think I have said enough there.

-- knee, foot, ankle pain from running (despite being a fat tub of goo, I still remain active)

-- Acheiving the ultimate "short fat guy" status (this is where your waist is at least 4 inches bigger than your inseam) hitting double digits.

-- being called "big guy"

-- the looks of revulsion from tiny people...especially those snotty looking little stick-girls.

--and my personal favourite...spoken to me by my doc..."you are the healthiest fat person I know"

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Is this making us feel better or worse?

Hmmmm

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Depends...I always enjoy a good self-depricating joke.  Plus calling skinny people fuckers makes me feel good.  Come to think of it, calling anyone a fucker makes me feel good.  Fuckers.  Heh heh

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Fuckers is good. I like it. BTW, I lost 1/2 lb sitting here laughing. No one understands us.

-People you work with telling you, you have not gained weight. 40 lbs is not weight gain? Hell, I hate to see what is.

-Olga, ditto on the size 16. I'm starting to eye the 18's. Really starting to look good.

-Remembering protein shakes in the psych hospital to put weight on me.

-Not knowing how far along I look

-Can't get on the floor, can't get off the floor. A definate lose lose situation.

-Fat, swollen feet due to Lithium.

-Bras, period.

-The fucking heat dammit!

-Waiting for someone to yell out "Free Willy"

-Sitting here with my pants unbuttoned and unzipped.

-The fact there was a time my hip bones stuck out.

-Weighing 1 lb more than my 24 yr old son. He is 6"9". I'm sure people think I steal food out of his mouth.

-I've run out. No brain function left.

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Is this making us feel better or worse?

Hmmmm

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

well, I haven't laughed this hard in ages...With not At anyone.

and gimps (aka handicapped, cripples, disabled--f*ck that term!) have some pretty rauchy jokes too. note: I am a gimp. and I had to learn to find some humor in some of the things that happened or I would have gone crazy..oh, wait! I am crazy...a crazy gimp ;)

even though I have lost some weight, I still have problems...like the damn pouch of fat that hangs from my boobs to my thighs. kinda like a malformed kid hanging on for dear life...a kangeroo has nothing on me!

and I am doing my part in helping the economy.

who else puts deo under their boobs right along with under the pits?

cough/sneeze=pee

so using these personal hygiene products are keeping people working

Spike

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Oh, Spike--you remind me of the days when I worked for an organization of handicapped people, who despised that term and referred to themselves as "broken-necks."  They told hysterically funny jokes that I guess you would call black humor, and loved poking fun at themselves.

We gotta laugh at the fat.  I'm sort of getting used to it now because it's almost a year.  I still dislike it, but I guess the meds + menopause + less activity (depression) = FAT!

Hey, maybe we could get a TV program together:  "Makeovers for Fat Crazy People."

"Lovely hairdo on that woman---too bad she's so FAT!"  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

olga the blimp

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You know what I forgot yesterday---those red welts you get around your waistline from the too-tight pants or skirt.  Wear them all day, and guaranteed you'll get welts!  And they itch!!!

Libby, I remember seeing people shaped like us and my husband and I would say: "He/she is getting kinda portly." Well, I'm "portly" now.  Or Duck-shaped.  Bleh

olga

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Here's the letter I just sent to the Dr. Phil show.

I  belong to a forum for mentally ill people. We have been having a discussion that involves our weight gains due to the medications we take. A lot of us are menopausal and most have bipolar disorder. It just sounded like a Dr. Phil show. I believe mental illness needs to be addressed in this country as most of us are intelligent, creative people. Can you help us Dr. Phil?

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