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I want to start out by saying hello my name is Becki and I apparantly have BP. I am at the point of going crazy since I found out I am crazy. I just need someone to listen to me ramble to tell me it is going to be ok or not. I just have so many questions.

Let me give a little background- I am 26 I had been going through this terrible insomnia thing for about 2 years. I am the moodiest bitch sometimes. But for the last 6 months I have been depressed and sooooo emotional. For example one minute"Damn it I hate you!" madder than hell. Next minute" Oh God I am so sorry why did I say that?" Crying my eyes out. I get delusions sometimes but I figure it is from lack of sleep I get panic attacks again I beleived from lack of sleep. The moodiness well I chalked that up to female hormones.(Ha Ha boy was I wrong) But it seems I can`t get over the depression this time. So I start surfing this wonderful world called the web. Then I come across Bipolar. Then I thought I was diagnosed with that when I was 17 wonder if that is back  (( Please excuse my ignorance that I am SOOO aware of now. ))) When I read the symptoms I thought "Well everybody has a bad day this could be anybody at any given time.". Then I started reading personal stories and my life unfolded in others lives page after page after terrible page. So I cried for DAYS. Then I got mad and now well I am scared. I am at the point of analyzing every aspect of my life.

I was 17 like I said all the info I should have been given about this crazy hand of life I was dealt was given to my mother whom was just nuts. I was put on Depakote then lithium then I stopped it all after about 3 months . I thought it was another name for depression. I had been to all these conselors and psychiatrist since I was 12. I felt better I just stopped. Got married had kids life moved on. That was until 2 years ago. Now I am here. dealing with something that I should have known about all along for basically the first time in my life.  I made an appointment with a psychiatrist I go in Monday. But what do I say? I tried to track my old records seem they were shredded after seven years. Will he beleive me? What do I do... It has been 4 nights since my eyes have seen the back of my head... I am ready to scream. I know these things have to be assessed will I have to wait much longer ..how long will it take? Just not sure I am up for that ride again. What do I expect?

I know I have rambled but any advice and time you put into this would be greatly appriciated. 

                                                                                        Becki

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Hi Becki!

I was diagnosed with Bipolar exactly 5 days ago, and I'm still a little shell shocked. I can't offer very much advise, because i'm new at this game too, but I CAN offer support.

I just wanted to let you know that i'm in the same boat as you, and that i truly believe that with th miracle of modern medicine, that things will eventually be alright for the both of us. Or at least manageable.

I find solace in doing hours and hours of research, learning every aspect of the disorder. it keeps my mind quite for a while.

stick around of the forum, the people here are super and will really be able to give you decent advice!

I'm hear of you need someone to talk to, just to keep you company

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Ayn Rand

thinking about you

Let me know how is goes at the doc

Tawni

18, South Africa

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Hi, Becki! I'm sorry you're just putting the pieces together now when you were officially diagnosed a decade ago. Unless you were *really* out of your mind, I'm surprised that only your mother was apprised of your condition. Doesn't age 17 have legal rights in the world of medicine? I had to cosign all waivers, etc from 14 on. The situation you're describing is deplorable. Anyway....

Were ALL records truly shredded, or just the big, bulky dossier? The hospital where I was initially treated at age 10 still had a barebones record of me, albeit in storage, when I asked last year. I'd think some sort of record would have to be kept for legal purposes, would it not? Even beyond seven years, information is sometimes needed. You're living proof. If you haven't already, ask if there is any sort of record at all. If so, there might at least be a mention of your bipolar diagnosis.

Seeing a psychiatrist for assessment can be a terrifying thing. I had two fears: that I would be diagnosed as the complete DSM in human form, or that I would be told I was normal, just a histrionic ninny who needed to get her act together. In this unfortunate place called "reality," the second occurred. It was another eight months before I finally worked up the nerve (and wangled the appropriate referrals to a better hospital) to be reassessed, at which point I was promptly declared bipolar.

My second assessment felt rather like a job interview, only instead of trying to sell myself as a suitable candidate, I was trying to prove I met the criteria for bipolar. I'd been utterly convinced of my bipolarity for five months by then (after a longer period of suspicion, wondering "why is it that that only friends who understand me are bipolar?"), and had been doing enough research out of personal interest to be able to articulate the connections between my past behavior and defined bipolar behavior. I could draw lines between my classic BPI best friend's mood swings and my own, more rapid cycles. I knew my family mental history, and was able to rapidly enumerate cases of MDD over three generations, with diagnosis-less anecdotal evidence for being crackers over a fourth. Having answers to their questions likely helped.

While it's true that most of what I experienced could be written off as human experience and "bad days" (and HAD been at Hospital A), suicidal episodes from childhood, spending sprees, frequently being asked if I was high (despite zero substance use), extreme agitation, and incomprehensibly pressured speech. You're supposed to be on drugs for those sorts of things. So I went, was diagnosed, and now I'm medicated, which does seem to improve stability.

Relax as much as you can. Be aware of your bipolar experiences, and be ready to tell the pdoc about them. If you truly are bipolar (which I cannot judge, particularly not by computer), then chances are good you will be diagnosed as such, and hopefully treated for it. The psychiatrist may want a follow-up session before making a diagnosis. If this particular pdoc is unable to provide you with answers, then there are many others out there. It's frustrating, but there is help out there for BP. Keep at it, and you will find it.

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Hi, Becki! I'm sorry you're just putting the pieces together now when you were officially diagnosed a decade ago. Unless you were *really* out of your mind, I'm surprised that only your mother was apprised of your condition. Doesn't age 17 have legal rights in the world of medicine? I had to cosign all waivers, etc from 14 on. The situation you're describing is deplorable. Anyway....

Were ALL records truly shredded, or just the big, bulky dossier? The hospital where I was initially treated at age 10 still had a barebones record of me, albeit in storage, when I asked last year. I'd think some sort of record would have to be kept for legal purposes, would it not? Even beyond seven years, information is sometimes needed. You're living proof. If you haven't already, ask if there is any sort of record at all. If so, there might at least be a mention of your bipolar diagnosis.

Seeing a psychiatrist for assessment can be a terrifying thing. I had two fears: that I would be diagnosed as the complete DSM in human form, or that I would be told I was normal, just a histrionic ninny who needed to get her act together. In this unfortunate place called "reality," the second occurred. It was another eight months before I finally worked up the nerve (and wangled the appropriate referrals to a better hospital) to be reassessed, at which point I was promptly declared bipolar.

My second assessment felt rather like a job interview, only instead of trying to sell myself as a suitable candidate, I was trying to prove I met the criteria for bipolar. I'd been utterly convinced of my bipolarity for five months by then (after a longer period of suspicion, wondering "why is it that that only friends who understand me are bipolar?"), and had been doing enough research out of personal interest to be able to articulate the connections between my past behavior and defined bipolar behavior. I could draw lines between my classic BPI best friend's mood swings and my own, more rapid cycles. I knew my family mental history, and was able to rapidly enumerate cases of MDD over three generations, with diagnosis-less anecdotal evidence for being crackers over a fourth. Having answers to their questions likely helped.

While it's true that most of what I experienced could be written off as human experience and "bad days" (and HAD been at Hospital A), suicidal episodes from childhood, spending sprees, frequently being asked if I was high (despite zero substance use), extreme agitation, and incomprehensibly pressured speech. You're supposed to be on drugs for those sorts of things. So I went, was diagnosed, and now I'm medicated, which does seem to improve stability.

Relax as much as you can. Be aware of your bipolar experiences, and be ready to tell the pdoc about them. If you truly are bipolar (which I cannot judge, particularly not by computer), then chances are good you will be diagnosed as such, and hopefully treated for it. The psychiatrist may want a follow-up session before making a diagnosis. If this particular pdoc is unable to provide you with answers, then there are many others out there. It's frustrating, but there is help out there for BP. Keep at it, and you will find it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well to be honest with you I really didn`t care what it was I had been to so many doctors I figured this was just another round. I was interested in other things and besides the only time over the last 9 years that BP was brought up was when I done something crazy and it was said like I had some contagious disease. My mother had actually thought it was humiliating I think and only used it to try and humiliate me. She was a total whack job herself and her mother ...a total disaster. After I have found out what this was and that it is hereditary I am certain that my mother and my grandmother had to have had this but what puzzles me is that she must have put the peices together and thought maybe some of this applied to her. It is just really screwed up. I look back on my life and I see the outragous spending sprees oh the credit cards love me and the stupid things I have done like taking off to M. beach without my husband or kids for a week not telling them where I was I was suppose to have went to work that day. Getting just crazy with my sex drive so much to the point that I almost ended up divorced because I demanded that I needed more and we have an open marrage I even told him I was going to sleep with his best friend weather his best friend wanted to sleep with me or not. Then coming down and still having to deal with this mess that I had created months ago and continued to rant about it. I am just so tired of trying to come up with excuses for my crazy behavior... I am not sure I can handle this much longer I get depressed and absolutely refuse to leave the house except for absolutely necassary things. I just want to be normal to be able to lay my head down at night and go to sleep without my mind refusing to turn off the switch and then fear grasping my chest to the point I can`t breath and find my self vomiting in the wee hours of the morning. I want to be able to control my emotions instead of everything in my life being so extream with no degree like if I am mad my blood boils instantly then quick as that came on I am screaming sqwaling and crying in my cheerios. Then when I am happy I am way to happy to the point that nothing is going to dampen my mood so I do stupid things to get away from the people I love because they are normal and I am irradic. It just seems as if I am my own worst enemy sometimes.I use to be suicidal when I was younger actually ended up in his adolecent treament unit a couple times. After I had my first daughter those thought subsided and I moved on and then my second daughter was born three years ago. But I am to the point of thoughts now not attempts but i sometimes fear in the middle of the night when all is quiet but my racing mind that I might do it again. It also devastates me knowing what type of life my family will have with me being like this.It is just insane. FYI I am not suicidal just afaid that it might get that away again. If you have been there then you know what I mean. Thanks so much for listening well.. reading

Becki

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Hi, Becki! I'm sorry you're just putting the pieces together now when you were officially diagnosed a decade ago. Unless you were *really* out of your mind, I'm surprised that only your mother was apprised of your condition. Doesn't age 17 have legal rights in the world of medicine? I had to cosign all waivers, etc from 14 on. The situation you're describing is deplorable. Anyway....

Were ALL records truly shredded, or just the big, bulky dossier? The hospital where I was initially treated at age 10 still had a barebones record of me, albeit in storage, when I asked last year. I'd think some sort of record would have to be kept for legal purposes, would it not? Even beyond seven years, information is sometimes needed. You're living proof. If you haven't already, ask if there is any sort of record at all. If so, there might at least be a mention of your bipolar diagnosis.

Seeing a psychiatrist for assessment can be a terrifying thing. I had two fears: that I would be diagnosed as the complete DSM in human form, or that I would be told I was normal, just a histrionic ninny who needed to get her act together. In this unfortunate place called "reality," the second occurred. It was another eight months before I finally worked up the nerve (and wangled the appropriate referrals to a better hospital) to be reassessed, at which point I was promptly declared bipolar.

My second assessment felt rather like a job interview, only instead of trying to sell myself as a suitable candidate, I was trying to prove I met the criteria for bipolar. I'd been utterly convinced of my bipolarity for five months by then (after a longer period of suspicion, wondering "why is it that that only friends who understand me are bipolar?"), and had been doing enough research out of personal interest to be able to articulate the connections between my past behavior and defined bipolar behavior. I could draw lines between my classic BPI best friend's mood swings and my own, more rapid cycles. I knew my family mental history, and was able to rapidly enumerate cases of MDD over three generations, with diagnosis-less anecdotal evidence for being crackers over a fourth. Having answers to their questions likely helped.

While it's true that most of what I experienced could be written off as human experience and "bad days" (and HAD been at Hospital A), suicidal episodes from childhood, spending sprees, frequently being asked if I was high (despite zero substance use), extreme agitation, and incomprehensibly pressured speech. You're supposed to be on drugs for those sorts of things. So I went, was diagnosed, and now I'm medicated, which does seem to improve stability.

Relax as much as you can. Be aware of your bipolar experiences, and be ready to tell the pdoc about them. If you truly are bipolar (which I cannot judge, particularly not by computer), then chances are good you will be diagnosed as such, and hopefully treated for it. The psychiatrist may want a follow-up session before making a diagnosis. If this particular pdoc is unable to provide you with answers, then there are many others out there. It's frustrating, but there is help out there for BP. Keep at it, and you will find it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well to be honest with you I really didn`t care what it was I had been to so many doctors I figured this was just another round. I was interested in other things and besides the only time over the last 9 years that BP was brought up was when I done something crazy and it was said like I had some contagious disease. My mother had actually thought it was humiliating I think and only used it to try and humiliate me. She was a total whack job herself and her mother ...a total disaster. After I have found out what this was and that it is hereditary I am certain that my mother and my grandmother had to have had this but what puzzles me is that she must have put the peices together and thought maybe some of this applied to her. It is just really screwed up. I look back on my life and I see the outragous spending sprees oh the credit cards love me and the stupid things I have done like taking off to M. beach without my husband or kids for a week not telling them where I was I was suppose to have went to work that day. Getting just crazy with my sex drive so much to the point that I almost ended up divorced because I demanded that I needed more and we have an open marrage I even told him I was going to sleep with his best friend weather his best friend wanted to sleep with me or not. Then coming down and still having to deal with this mess that I had created months ago and continued to rant about it. I am just so tired of trying to come up with excuses for my crazy behavior... I am not sure I can handle this much longer I get depressed and absolutely refuse to leave the house except for absolutely necassary things. I just want to be normal to be able to lay my head down at night and go to sleep without my mind refusing to turn off the switch and then fear grasping my chest to the point I can`t breath and find my self vomiting in the wee hours of the morning. I want to be able to control my emotions instead of everything in my life being so extream with no degree like if I am mad my blood boils instantly then quick as that came on I am screaming sqwaling and crying in my cheerios. Then when I am happy I am way to happy to the point that nothing is going to dampen my mood so I do stupid things to get away from the people I love because they are normal and I am irradic. It just seems as if I am my own worst enemy sometimes.I use to be suicidal when I was younger actually ended up in his adolecent treament unit a couple times. After I had my first daughter those thought subsided and I moved on and then my second daughter was born three years ago. But I am to the point of thoughts now not attempts but i sometimes fear in the middle of the night when all is quiet but my racing mind that I might do it again. It also devastates me knowing what type of life my family will have with me being like this.It is just insane. FYI I am not suicidal just afaid that it might get that away again. If you have been there then you know what I mean. Thanks so much for listening well.. reading

Becki

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks for the advice I had contacted the psyciatrist that had diagnosed me hadn`t thought of the psycologist that I was seeing he DOES in fact have my record but he also said that since it was so long ago that the psyciatrist that I will be going to monday may want to make his own assessment but hey it is making me feel a little better knowing that the doc I am going to Monday will know that I am serious.Thank you soosoooooo much.

Becki

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