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Just venting


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BP is like one of those bullyish friend/enemies you sometimes have.

Sometimes they only tease you a little: "Are you really wearing that?"

Sometimes they tease you to the brink: "You realize how stupid you are, don't you?

Sometimes they tease you over the edge: "You're a really disgusting person. And other people think that too."

It's at these times that I can't fool myself, I'm crazy. I have a disease that takes over my mind and brings thoughts that I don't like.

Right now, my illness is throwing everything its got at me.

It's even teaming up with GAD and hurling a panic attack into the mix.

Like I said in the post title, I'm just venting. I'm not really going anywhere with this.

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It's unfair, isn't it? I hate to use that word, but it is.

It's unfair that I have to call my neighbor to hang out with me while I wait for the Seroquel to kick in cause I'm not strong enough to fight the urges to hurt myself...

It's not fair that I've spent the last 7 years trying to find the proper help, and the past 4 years and counting to find the right medication...

And for the love of Pete, I just want to be able to turn off the conversations in my head... conversations that I don't even get to be a part of...

I guess what I'm saying is- I hear you. I totally hear you.

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I feel like I'm tricked a lot of the time.

Like I'm tricked into thinking that I'm doing better and then I turn around and what the fuck? I'm back to acting all crazy again.

I'm constantly realizing things about this disorder. Sometimes having to realize things over and over.

Like for example how mania can change your thought processing so much. [that's one thing that I've been thinking about lately]

Sorry I'm talking about me so much.

I just wanted to commiserate.

I DO really hope you feel better soon Phoenix. I know GAD plus BP can be a total bitch.

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Like I'm tricked into thinking that I'm doing better and then I turn around and what the fuck? I'm back to acting all crazy again.

I'm constantly realizing things about this disorder. Sometimes having to realize things over and over.

Like for example how mania can change your thought processing so much. [that's one thing that I've been thinking about lately]

*nods head vigorously*

It feels weird to suddenly realize that you already figured this out before.

Cat's got my brain right now so I can't say much more.

Thanks sdjeff and carmex.

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I feel like I'm tricked a lot of the time.

Like I'm tricked into thinking that I'm doing better and then I turn around and what the fuck? I'm back to acting all crazy again.

I'm constantly realizing things about this disorder. Sometimes having to realize things over and over.

Like for example how mania can change your thought processing so much. [that's one thing that I've been thinking about lately]

What do you mean by it changing your thought processes? I've been thinking about that a fair bit lately too. I'm rapid cycling and trying to hold it together. But feel like there's two different Kim's walking around, or i'm fighting demonic possession. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It makes me feel very tired, because i'm in a constant battle with myself.

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I feel like I'm tricked a lot of the time.

Like I'm tricked into thinking that I'm doing better and then I turn around and what the fuck? I'm back to acting all crazy again.

I'm constantly realizing things about this disorder. Sometimes having to realize things over and over.

Like for example how mania can change your thought processing so much. [that's one thing that I've been thinking about lately]

What do you mean by it changing your thought processes? I've been thinking about that a fair bit lately too. I'm rapid cycling and trying to hold it together. But feel like there's two different Kim's walking around, or i'm fighting demonic possession. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It makes me feel very tired, because i'm in a constant battle with myself.

especially '....makes me feel very tired, because I'm in a constant battle with myself' and

'....I just want to turn off the conversations in my head....conversations that I don't even get to be a part of...'

many commisserations from my corner too, P

btw- how do you quote from different posts in the same reply? sorry to change the topic

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I know what you mean...I am always having these conversations in my head that drive me insane. The racing thoughts, I can never stop thinking and the rage that builds up in me for no reason and then terror and/or panic.

Wwith Bipolar Disorder, you pick on everything about you. Im dumb, I never shut up, I am needy, I am disgusting and so on. And the levels are right on...it starts off gentle and eventually it is this bully in your head that never gives up. It is so frustrating..you have no control of your emotions and feelings. I find myself crying for no reason and then pissed off and then nearvous and it drives me crazy. But then I have to leave the house and put on the fake normal "full time mommy with not a problem in the world" face.

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