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Addicted to being depressed.


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Yesterday was the first time I finally and fully recognized what an addict must feel like; to know that my need will kill me someday soon. Just like an addict, I do not want help; I want the ending. In the meantime, I need the daily pleasure (in my case, mental pain and hurting of long-term, self-diagnosed depression). I know how and where my ending, just not the when, yet. Yesterday, I realized just how sick I am, but have no desire to fix me. To me, it's normal. Cannot believe I've come to this point in my long-married, senior life. Being sick happens, but not wanting to be well should alarm me, but it does not.

I've read many of this forum's messages. I apologize for the length of this posting. I am so deep into this network of mental caves and there is no light. I am not sure what I hope to gain, but I am heartened by your openness and willingness to contribute and to listen. Your comments will be appreciated, but please do not be offended if I do not respond.

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Welcome Ev.

As an illness, depression is very sneaky. It tells you that not only do you not want help, but that it would be much better just to end it. That's depression talking.

When you're down in the Pit, depression wants you to stay there.

I'm glad you posted and I hope you'll continue to do so.

Peace,

Phoenix

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If it makes you feel any better, feeling "addicted" to one's depression and wanting to hold onto it is actually VERY common. Very very common.

And you're not totally incapable of seeking help -- you came here, right?

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The feeling of inevitability, that it won't (can't) end, that nothing will change, and that self-destruction is the only way out, is an intrinsic part of this illness. It's not a logical conclusion, e.g. I am in intractable pain, therefore I should kill myself. No. The suicidal thoughts are just another one of the constellation of symptoms, no different than the other hallmarks of depression such as anhedonia, insomnia, self-loathing, and so forth.

It sounds like you've been living with this pretty much silently for a long time. Have you talked with your family physician, tried any medications? They can be spectacularly effective. It may not be something that you can bring yourself to talk about with family or friends. But it is well worth getting over any sense of shame or embarrassment and taking the step to talk to your doctor. You can philosophize for hours about the reasons for the dramatic increase in depression over the last few decades, but I will guarantee you that if you talk with your doctor about it, you'll be told that 30 - 40% of patients come in with problems with depression and/or anxiety.

When you research depression and treatments online, beware. The people for whom the first medication trial works great don't usually end up on boards like this. So when you're reading first person sites, keep in mind that you're dealing a skewed sample.

And, yes, welcome. This is a good place.

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You're just like the rest of us cave-dwellers......in the dark and not really wanting to venture out into the sunshine.

But depression is treatable at any age. If my husband showed signs of depression, I'd get his butt into the doctor's office so fast his head would spin. And I have every confidence that he could feel much better again even at his advanced age. (70s)

See your doctor. Try a med. You never know. It's very possible that the first or second one you try could work. I hit it on the fourth, and it was worth the year of trying other stuff.

You can get your life back.

olga

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Compounding this, I lead two lives. At work I am productive, affable, and cool. At home, I am quiet, agreeable, but very depressed. In both situations, I never complain, never get angry, and never whine or sulk. I exist. Tears are common. Underneath, I am hopeless and very angry, mostly with myself. The ending is not out of revenge or anger, it's simply my inability to continue to cope with my life without love or affection from anybody. Out of some recognition of my failure and my want, I am even moved to tears when I see a happy, loving couple.

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I think and conclude that a therapist would obviously say move away and start anew and find a lover

No they wouldn't. Therapists don't tell you what to do.

What they would do is help you better understand and resolve the things you listed next:

that is very scary to me since I am already way too lonely and alone, and most importantly, have lost my mental ability to socialize, love and be affectionate. I wouldn't know where to begin. It would also add more to my life's list of disappointments, hurts and regrets. So, for decades, I am trapped and sick because of it, and cannot seek help because I am addicted to this huring.
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I agree with Sorrel's comment about therapy. A good therapist helps guide you to better self-knowledge.

And I think you don't realize what a dramatic change medications can make. My antidepressant gave me back my life. I thought it was over. I cried when I saw happy people, too. You seem unwilling to understand that chemicals can change the way our brains work, and you can feel good. Happy. Content with your life.

olga

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I've long recognized my condition is situational and unchangeable. Unfortunately, neither a therapist nor a drug will change my situation at home, and I cannot see (or just like an addict, don't want to see) how they could change my ability to cope. It's reached a point of being unloved, unwanted, and lonely in my nice family, at work, and in a crowd. Just to have a hug, or a friendly hand on my shoulder would mean so much, not to mention an affectionate kiss. There have been none of these in my life for years. It's all part of this maze of dark caves. I have read all your suggestions and comments. Like I said at the beginning, I'm not sure what I expected other than the value of this anonymity and to have you listen and comment. Thank you.

I am struck by all the topics relating to loneliness, and wonder if there's a place where lonely people gather with signs that say "I am lonely, please chat with me". Then I look around me at the market and at work, and wonder how many of these people are lonely. Many, I think. Silly isn't it?

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I must say good-bye.

I just read Cappa's (November) thread and was alarmed at the last message to him, as realistic and as understandable it is. I felt his pain and frustration. It is somewhat like my own. Myself, having been abruptly and unexpectedly shut out of relationships that I thought were meaningful (my wife many years ago, and my older sister this year), I have often ended relationships first before they were ended for me. Thank you again for your help.

I understand what you mean about being "addicted to being depressed." For what it's worth, I'm waiting for a bed to open up at a recovery clinic. I wish you all the best.

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Compounding this, I lead two lives. At work I am productive, affable, and cool. At home, I am quiet, agreeable, but very depressed. In both situations, I never complain, never get angry, and never whine or sulk. I exist. Tears are common. Underneath, I am hopeless and very angry, mostly with myself.

you may not view it this way, but what you're talking about here is strength. your own strength of character and mind, able to keep it together for work and also to a certain extent at home. reserving the horrible thoughts for your own rumination.

the depression is crippling in the way it changes your thoughts. resisting that is a very promising sign. i'm not patronising you by the way, i am speaking from my own experience and can see myself in how you describe yourself.

that was me about 2ish years ago. therapy helped me a lot and getting on a much improved cocktail helped me lots more.

don't give up on therapy and meds. and don't give up on yourself. everything that depression is making you feel is exactly counter to how you could be feeling if it were gone. EVERYTHING.

good luck,

grouse.

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