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A little late but...


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Hi yall! You all know who I am by now...and if not feel lucky! But anyways I realized tonight that I never really did an introduction of myself. You all know some of my story sortta but I figured I would fill in the blanks per say.

Well first of all I am 24 from the N.E. part of the US (pittsburgh) I am a mom of a 2yr old almost 3 yr old we call bubbers (we call her that because when she was an infant she used to sit in her swing and go "bub bub bub" the name has stuck. She is a little devil and a constant winer her favorite phrase is "hold me" but she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and she is my life, I would die with out her. I have 2 step kids a boy and a girl 10 and 9...we have a good relationship now but didnt up until a month and a half ago. My fiance "C" well you all know his story...

I was diagnosed with ptsd at 11 and bipoalr disorder at 12...first stint at the hospital at 14 learned alot of bad habits there including self mutilation I did that until I was 17 and also I learned all about bulemia which I was for a little while...I balllooned up to 230lbs (kind of the opposite of what I wanted to do) I lost the weight w/ paxil in about a year. I have been on paxil, zoloft, respiradol, adivan, depakote, serzone and paxil cr The paxil cr cause seizures so I flushed the crap...didnt get any treatment for 5 years and here I am now.

I have alot of issues one of which is the relationship with the fiance...which I am dealing with now. My family is crazier than I am and his...well they are a little stuck up to say the least. I have a very, very low self-esteem...I binge and I am lazy, I just cant do anything anymore and I find excuses for everything...I would never admit this to anyone but you guys. Some times I think that people would be better off it I wasnt around like I am a hassle I just get in the way...I was actually that way earlier. People around here tend to judge me...I am crazy pretty much, my sister has told everyone my problems and my past...people look at me funny. I live in a big sity but the communities are small town like, everyone knows everyone so everyone knows who I am and what my sister said I am...which sucks. I stay in my little house with my little kid and watch my little tv that is about it, or we go to the park and if people are there I turn around, go home and we stay in the yard... I have a social phobia now. What makes it worse is that everything I say to his family is judged...every syllabel is raked over with a fine tooth comb, which is why I was hesitant to tell them what I did today.

I know tht my daughter needs me and that I am loved, but anyone with depression knows that it is hard sometimes...you just think "what if?" Maybe I am as nuts as everyone says

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Snowfly,I am OCD...although my family calls it "just maria". I am hard on myself but in some ways I do it to better myself if that makes any sense I figure the harder I am on myself the better I will strive to be, it just hasnt worked yet lol. I have a bad habit too of finding humor out of any situation, which drives everyone I know nuts. I do have PTSD bu it is managed, not with meds...I just wont let him take away my life along with everything else he has taken (sexual abuse when I was little) I never really talk about it, becasue i feel that it isnt necessary I feel that it was something that happened and it is over and time to move on...you cant dwell on the past, you cant change the past. I will say though that I am very over protective of children though for that reason...but in a way I think that is good, I am very observant of people especially when they are around my kids...you never know who is out there praying on these children (chime in the paranoia)

I am trying no to control the situation in my home...he is at the hospital right now I have told his family everything and they0. have intervened. I know I do alot of things that are bad...its like smoking really hard to quit,trust me though I am better than I was, I used to question myself with everything, I couldnt even decide what to wear so I wore the same 3 outfits over and over again.

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