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So Called Friends Suck!


carmex

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when they don't believe you're really sick.

when they're scared you might hurt them.

when they think you're dangerous.

when they ignore you.

Downgrade to "acquaintance" and scratch them off your holiday card list.

so much for friends.

now i have none.

Make new friends, even if you have to grow them from seed. Your chia pet is never going to try the "nod, smile, and back away" routine on you, and she'll never spill your secrets the minute the gossip well runs dry.

After that, work your way up the food chain. Literally.

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  • 4 months later...

Yeah, it happened to me as well - a year ago.

All those close, close friends, whom I supported and cared for, who cried their sorrows out on my shoulders? Gone.

Finding and growing new friends is not easy. Where do I find them now?

Not easy at all.

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Hearing you.

One of the things that made me so cynical. Luckily left with enough other friends, in spite of the shrunken circle.

Making new friends is the way forward, but I have done so recently by joining groups for giving up smoking, volunteering with charities.

Shared activities.

Now very wary of mentioning my bipolar. Not worth it. Test the friendship in the appropriate way first.

Showing vulnerabilities too soon and having them trampled upon is devastating or can be.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Ouch.

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My circle of friends equals... one.

I have a lot of acquaintances though.

I find it easier that way. I keep most people at arms length, but friendly and only confide in one or two people.

But that's me, may not work for everyone else.

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I have no friends locally anyways. People suck, they like to gossip and talk shit, they are afraid of things they dont understand and they like to judge, that is just the way it can go. I have trust issues though.

My "friends" all live out of state, and I dont tell them much and if I were to who could they tell? They dont know anyone I know lol.

At some point youll find a real true friend one that you can trust.

My problem is DTA-dont trust anyone

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i don't have the energy for 3-D friendships. that may make me odd. i like having acquaintances so i can socialize when i feel like it. but at the end of the day, all the intimacy and understanding i need is in my home and right here on these boards.

i don't ever have to get dressed or even brush my teeth for you all! ;)

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I only have one person who understands me and all my baggage... the rest either ignore it, or make jokes about me snapping and going on a killing spree. Gee, thanks.

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Yeah...

I was very upset when I realised my "best" friend just took my camera and took bad photographs (of male thingies) at a party. Even though I was upset, she just screamed at me that I am hyper sensitive, never apologised, and just cut the phone call.

If I had realised 3-4 weeks later that my camera was broken, nobody would then have said:

"Sorry, I fart-arsed around with your camera, here is a couple of thousand bucks to buy another..."

She is also now of course bad-mouthing me.

I like to keep sections of my life separate, so I have not introduced her to my 'part-time" boyfriend. She saw a photograph of him, and hinted that she thought I had been lieing about his existence, just because I have not introduced him to her.

__________

Here is a question for everyone:

Do you guys think we are inclined to draw people to us who are "users and abusers" of our soft nature, maybe draw the "misfits" of society, the people who suck us dry, like parasites, and then just walk all over us, because we have MI's ?

Or are we all just hiper sensitive???

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Hey Carmex (I know you wrote this a while ago) but just in case you come back to it,

I hope you're doing better and have found a few people who you can get along with and eventually trust.

It *is* really hard sometimes, but there are good people out there who want understanding friends too, not everyone is like the people who hurt you before. I know it can feel like that's the only kind sometimes, but please know that it's not the case. Take your time getting to know new people and to feel them out, but don't let those other people ruin your ability to trust people, you know?

Anyway, hope you're doing better.

---

I think that Amy and Null0 gave some really good advice.

And to kind of add my 2cents to what everyone else is saying, I think that in a way it's good to find out what kind of people your friends are-- if they turn on you quickly and don't try to listen and understand you after you've been supportive of them, then that's not the kind of person you'd want in your life anyway.

People's reaction and ultimately how much they try to understand and support you is the big test-- it also weeds out all of the ones that don't deserve to be your friend and get support when they won't give it.

Friendships are like any other relationship-- it's a two-person deal-- it's not all one way and both people need to give and invest in it for it to work. That sounds a little trite, I know, but it's true.

I have about three close friends, and the rest (some of whom I considered close at one point) are more superficial relationships, we can talk and enjoy eachother's company but just 'don't go there' with more personal stuff. That's okay with me now, although it's really hard to downgrade someone from 'close' to aquaintence sometimes.

I know I'm really lucky to have the close ones-- really lucky-- but it also has taken a lot of work on both sides. I've known them for so long that I was able to break them into my deeper issues a little bit at a time and to educate them on the way.

I'm not sure what would have happened had I one day just blurted out my MI history and darkest moments and medication problems after them thinking they knew me well already, you know?

I think that kind of thing would be really hard on a relationship and make them question how well they *actually* knew me-- I'm not saying that crappy reactions would be *justified*-- but it would shake any friendship I think. And had they not been educated about MI before me dropping it in their laps, they might go straight to the stereotypes to fill in the gap that they felt was created by not 'really knowing' me before then.

I'm really glad that I had the luxury of letting them get to know my MI and that part of my life bit by bit and to correct the misconceptions along the way. I hope I'm able to do that in future relationships too. You get close to people slowly, over time and in little pieces, so it makes sense to me for them to get to know my MI slowly as well. If they're liking me and we're becoming friends, good friends, then they'll hopefully take the other parts of my life as well.

I don't think that I'd be able to keep it a secret until we were close friends because I couldn't really feel close to someone if they didn't know about my MI since it has (for better or worse) shaped and guided the way I live and how I feel about things.

Anyway- sorry this was long and introspective, but I just wanted to get out there that it's not impossible to find good friends and to have them learn about and accept you along with your so called 'baggage'-- they have some too, I'm sure. Maybe not the same kind, but friendships are equal and if I'm going to be there for them, then I expect them to be there for me (not out of obligation, but for support, the same reason I stand by them.)

It's possible. I don't think that we're all doomed to a friendless life or anything close to it.

I don't need tonsandtons of friends, but know that having the few that I do makes my life much better and that it makes their lives better too-- and that's all we really need.

m

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I have no friends locally anyways. People suck, they like to gossip and talk shit, they are afraid of things they dont understand and they like to judge, that is just the way it can go. I have trust issues though.

My "friends" all live out of state, and I dont tell them much and if I were to who could they tell? They dont know anyone I know lol.

At some point youll find a real true friend one that you can trust.

My problem is DTA-dont trust anyone

I totally agree with this. Though I do have 2 local friends, I don't know, they are the kind of people that become uncomfortable with personal conversation and I often get a "that's weird man" when I say something, proabably not even so out of the ordinary, it just might not be up there on the "coolness" scale. That's so lame. And hell yeah they talk shit. Actually, that is only one of my friends, my other friend is pretty nice to me. My SO is pissing me off at the moment. I am lucky I have a twin sister with the smae kind of issues and that my dad and I have a pretty good relationship where we can talk about anything and try to help each other. But friends? Eh, peole judge, make me nervous and irritate the shit out of me. Make me feel bad. I could do without them.

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I am not saying it isnt lonely, not having friends, but I know that also means I cant get screwed over, or hurt by a friend if I dont have any.

I would have friends from the MI groups I know around here, but I cant deal with taking on some one else's issues, which I tend to do I tend to care too much if that is possible, I think I have to help when really I dont. I pick up bad habits as well, and I dont need that.

In the end like Lysergia said this is easier, I dont have to put on make up, I can sit here in my PJ's and my ugly slippers that are oh so comfy.

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