Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Concurrent feelings of running out of time and being paralyzed with fear.


Recommended Posts

I'm not sure what forum to post this in..

Has anyone experienced this? It's like I need to act now, as if my whole future depends on it, with every passing second provoking immense anxiety, and yet I'm completely paralyzed with fear, unable to move forward in any way. The combination of these two feelings (or realities) causes extreme discomfort.. and terror.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've felt like that too, but I don't have much else to add unfortunately. I think for me the fear of failing stopped me from starting. Mine was mostly about uni work.

What do you feel like you need to act on or do?

Well I haven't left the house in months (except to go to my psychologist). Everything scares me. The most immediate thing is going back for a psychiatric assesment (which I am waiting on). But also getting a job or going back to university (I can't think), ever having a girlfriend (I'm not amiable at the moment and my stuff doesn't work), etc. It goes on and on and on. Whatever I want to do, I can't, for some reason. But the clock is ticking and it only moves in one direction. This causes a diffused sense of terror.

Even when typing this post, it's like I can't leave anything out or something bad might happen (I think it's that.. it's a foggy feeling). And everything is black and white with an enemy list in my head (how I've been wronged, and on that same point). It's probably a multitude of issues.

I guess I'm too complicated. Hopefully the people at the clinic will be able to help me figure things out, and I feel compelled to give the negative side, but I'm not going to (but for some reason I have to mention this).

Okay, thanks. I hope I get that phone call soon that a bed has opened up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I'm too complicated

It took a myriad of decisions and events to get you to where you are right now. It's impossible to back out or correct all of them at once (It would likely be Very Bad to do it if you could.) But somewhere in all of that, there will be one or maybe two small positive things that you can do, one step at a a time. If that's all you can do, so be it. Do those, worry about the rest later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow... I used to try to explain this to people, my anxiety was so bad, I felt like I was running out of time..

It was like I was always hurrying up going nowhere, always in a mess, always confused, leaving things undone, losing stuff..

important stuff like keys and wallets..I am so glad that You posted this because you made me feel better. I also recognized that I have been doing better because for the first time in years that feeling has finally gone away.(med change and good therapy)

Thanks for posting!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the replies. I know there's no point in dwelling on the past or trying to frantically correct every misstep, but I can't stop obsessing about everything. It's like my OCD has turned inward.

wow... I used to try to explain this to people, my anxiety was so bad, I felt like I was running out of time..

It was like I was always hurrying up going nowhere, always in a mess, always confused, leaving things undone, losing stuff..

important stuff like keys and wallets..I am so glad that You posted this because you made me feel better. I also recognized that I have been doing better because for the first time in years that feeling has finally gone away.(med change and good therapy)

Thanks for posting!

I'm glad you're doing better.

I hope I can get better too. Even the idea of getting better leaves me with the feeling that I won't have enough left to make a life for myself. I guess even that is thinking too far ahead. At this point I should probably just look right in front of me at the immediate task/undertaking and not think of anything else. Right now that is getting a psychiatric assesment at the recovery clinic. I just wish they would call already.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the most helpful advice I got when I was first diagnosed came from a single line at the bottom of a page at crazymeds

Forget about work, school or similar commitments.

Your only priorities are:

Getting well.

Caring for yourself (get all the help you can with this).

Caring for any children, pets and other dependents (again, get all the help you can)

That's it.

Apply for disability.

Take a leave of absence, a sabbatical, whatever.

Fuck anybody who tells you to "Get over it" or "Cowboy up" or similar nonsense. And not in the good way.

I just kept reminding myself that getting better was my first priority. Doing awesome at uni again could wait. Being an amazing leader could wait. Having a social life that made me feel cool could wait. Getting a hot boyfriend could wait (dammit). Working out so i'm super hot and up my chances of said boyfriend could wait.

I promise, all the things you want to do will be much easier once you are well. Just hang in there and I really hope the bed comes through for you really soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just got the call from the recovery clinic. I'm being admitted tomorrow morning.

I don't have much hope at having a life, even if I do "get better", whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. But what else is there to do?

See you all in 6 to 8 weeks.

Thanks for the replies.

*edit*

Okay, rather than feeling compelled to put this somewhere in the body of the post, I'm going to put it here because it probably isn't rational:

I have this fear that my brain has turned to mush and as a result I certainly won't be able to go back to university. I'll probably end up alone, living on the streets somewhere, or a charity case for my family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't sleep. I haven't packed yet. All of my life's regrets are pouring out of me. I'm furious at myself and the world. I've been pacing around the house full of anxiety, screaming at my mother. I don't think I want to get better at this point. I'm terrified of the future.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Happy new year everyone!!!

So, basically. This is it. I'll give it to ya.

They started me on Seroquel. Had adverse reactions (pin like sensations throughout my body, or static, especially when I touch things as well as other muscle weirdness and other physical symptoms). Got off the Seroquel. I reported these same symptoms in the MEGA thread when they were milder. I realize now that it had something to do with the Zyprexa that I had been given in my other hospital visit. The reaction has worsened with the Seroquel (it's severe now) and it has not gone away, even after discontinuance, just like before the with Zyprexa. HAHAHAHAHAHA. It's funny! I should be laughing! No, not really. It's fucking horrible.

They put me on Anafranil. I took one small dose and I am having a mixed manic reaction. They think it is a panic attack or something and want me to continue with the Anafranil. I know better. I do get panic attacks sometimes but I am also extremely euphoric at other times. I have energy despite being made physically ill by the adverse reactions over the years (especially the past year) and being physically exhausted (also started after Zyprexa discontinuance, seems to have worsened with the Seroquel although I can't be 100% on that). I have an acute physiological sensitivity to all substances and should never have taken brain disabling medications as a result. I recently found out that my father was the same way; he would always have adverse reactions to even low doses of whatever psychotropic meds he has taken over the years. The SSRIs/SNRIs brought out a genetic vulnerability in me that was mild and would likely have never manifested (one cousin is bipolar, started when she was younger and that goes to the great grandparents - no one else). It took 8 years of usage of mild hypomanic/depressive reactions that were never identified (originally the ADs were used to treat compulsions, which, incidentally, no longer exist) and the depression went from "mild depressive symptoms" to moderate depression to major depression (documentation proves it) and my "functioning" was getting better in cycles (subtle hypomanic reactions, misidentified). Smaller doses "worked" at first and when I became depressed again the doses would be increased. Story of my fucking life. These physical symptoms don't seem to be going away even after discontinuance of the Seroquel (they didn't go away when they were even milder after stopping the Zyprexa). Anyways, I am not going to take the Anafranil. Not sure what to do at this point.

Psychiatry is NOT FOR EVERYONE!! WOOO! Seriously though, people like me who are this sensitive and prone to adverse reactions should AVOID brain disabling medications that provide for those adverse reactions because they are plentiful and the corrections don't seem to occur as well after discontinuance. I likely have permanent damage to my dopamine system and well as my serotonin system (explains the sexual dysfunction having not gone away/worsened after discontinuance of the many ADs over the years, never had any problems before taking any of them). I am now completely impotent/ED AND a premature ejaculator AND no libido AND other PSSD symptoms. The corrections don't occur! Or they don't seem to. That's not cool, man. Last time I was manic I Was hypersexual. This time I can't even get a boner. That's not cool man. Fucking Celexa in between the episodes. Started after discontinuance. Seems to have worsened with the Anafranil. Hopefully the "worsening" will go away since it's a Tricyclic.

SHOULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS CRAZY WORLD!! PSYCHOTROPIC MEDS HAVE MADE ME MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY ILL. OH WELL!! I CAN APPRECIATE IF PSYCHOTROPIC MEDS HAVE HELPED MANY PEOPLE HERE, BUT THEY HAVE EITHER PUT ILLNESS IN ME OR BROUGHT IT OUT OF ME (BOTH, LIKELY).

Lamictal maybe? What do I have to lose.

OH WELL, STAY SWELL! 2009!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest CSisn'tloggedin

Hi Cappa,

Are you still at the recovery clinic? Has a doctor actually said to you, "Your diagnosis is: X, Y, Z."? Have you tried any medications that have been at all helpful? As you undoubtably know, most of these drugs have start-up side effects that go away after some time. Have you been on any of them long enough to see if the side effects will go away? Unless a side effect is life-threatening, it's generally a good idea to give the drug some time.

~CS

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Cappa,

Are you still at the recovery clinic? Has a doctor actually said to you, "Your diagnosis is: X, Y, Z."? Have you tried any medications that have been at all helpful? As you undoubtably know, most of these drugs have start-up side effects that go away after some time. Have you been on any of them long enough to see if the side effects will go away? Unless a side effect is life-threatening, it's generally a good idea to give the drug some time.

~CS

Yes, I'm here. Although, I don't like talking about diagnostics because diagnostics and the treatment that comes from that has only hurt me over the years. I took an ativan 2mg and I'm feeling calmer.

The physical reactions never went away from taking the Zyprexa (I was not sure what caused it at the time) even after discontinuance. They are more severe now and have remained even after discontinuance of the Seroquel. I took one Anafranil pill and had a mixed manic reaction (even some cycling back and forth from severe depression to hypomania, but always with anxiety and agitation). Throughout all the states I've always felt severely physically ill. Even though it never had to come to this, obviously some form of bipolar is one of the diagnoses, if we're going to be so hung up on that. It never had to come to this, though. It was a very very subtle vulnerability that went unrecognized for the 8 years that I was on SSRI/SNRI/NDRI meds and was brought out because of the meds (and possibly the weed) earlier this year. Although the cycles of "high functioning" and increasingly severe depression have become pretty clear in hindsight.

I just found out about ten minutes ago that the original psychological assessment when I was 14 had recommended that I take psychotropic meds to proactively thwart a psychotic break. This never happened, and I have never been treated for psychosis. The only time I have ever had any form of psychosis has been in acute mania, and just delusions based in reality (like talking about people's energy and shit like that). This has been a struggle from the beginning and no one has ever been able to do anything that would really help me. The timing wasn't out of any mental health crisis that I was going through. It seemed like am opportune time to get these things assessed because my father had just left. It would have been better if everyone had just left me alone and let the chips fall where they may.

I can't do anything about the past. I haven't tried a mood stabalizer. Lamictil has broad indications. Maybe it will help. What do you think?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

<sarcasm>Don't you just love it when you start to recognize the many missed opportunities over the years?</sarcasm>

I can't do anything about the past. I haven't tried a mood stabalizer. Lamictil has broad indications. Maybe it will help. What do you think?

The past can't be fixed. But if it could ...

Some people have gotten a lot of help from adding a mood stabilizer to an AAP or an AD, so I would think it's worth trying Lamictal or Topomax in a controlled setting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cappa,

I have this fear that my brain has turned to mush and as a result I certainly won't be able to go back to university. I'll probably end up alone, living on the streets somewhere, or a charity case for my family.

i've been dealing with major depression for about seven or so years now. 2007 was the worst. i couldn't think at all. couldn't remember anything, couldn't be rational, nothing. it killed me because i had always been bright. and i was in graduate school at the time. it's a year later and even though i'm back on crazyboards because some symptoms are returning i can assure you that the brains come back. when you're healthy and your mind is getting the shit kicked out of it, your intelligence will come back. don't let this be another worry on your plate, in my experience the mental mush will sort itself back out and become real, useful brains again.

keep going, the tunnel has an end and the bright light is not just an oncoming train...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...