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I guess I'm just here to look for support. I don't have anyone to talk to about this subject, so I figured I'd let it out on here.

The trouble is, I've been in an absolutely, wonderfully perfect relationship with a man for over two years now. I love him to death and can't imagine life without him. I would never EVER in a million years do anything to hurt him.

But I have this nagging feeling. It subsides for a while, but it never really goes away.

I like girls. The most I've ever gotten to is first base (I take things slow. Never made it past a few dates with random girls, so....no action for me.)

But I want a girl. I dream about it. I think about it. I want it so much sometimes that I don't even know what to make of it.

I'm worried right now. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I'm afraid that I'll never get a chance to experience a woman. I've never had a good relationship with a man until the guy I'm with now. Sometimes I think I'm 90% gay. I don't look at guys on the street. I look at girls. I don't dream about guys, I dream about girls.

But yet I usually enjoy nookie time with the man. Sometimes I feel a real aversion to penises (penii?) and I don't know if it's because the medicine I'm on has flattened my sex drive, or because it's my subconscious trying to get me to realize that I'm in no way, shape or form straight.

I can't talk to him about it, because he might lose trust in me (I'm 1000000% faithful to him, and everyone I ever dated). Plus that, and I'll start blubbering like a saline fountain.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice (but if you have some, feel free!)

I just wanted someone to talk to. To make me feel less alone in my confusion.

I really wish I had gay friends ;)

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That's a tough one, since you're in a wonderful relationship now. I guess your basic options are to just suppress your desires as long as you are with this guy, or talk to him openly about it, and maybe try out a girl.

I have to tell you that the gay life is harder than the straight life. Society is built around straight relationships. I sometimes wish I had chosen the straight path instead of the gay one. On the other hand, it's entirely possible that you could find the woman of your dreams and have a lifelong relationship.

oh, btw, the first time I had sex with a woman, I had a boyfriend at the time. When I told him about it, he thought it was hot. That's how most straight men will react, I think. I've told many a guy that I was gay to get rid of them. Instead they wanted to know if they could watch! EW!

Do you have a therapist? This might be a good time to get one.

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Dunno if you have the kind of relationship where you could negotiate a "field trip" to girlland for yourself. Sounds like it would be difficult to manage. However, if your guy really loves you, I would think it's possible that he wouldn't want you to have to hide and supress something that's really strong in you. Of course, he could totally wig out and then you'd be free to date whomever. Sorry I don't have a crystal ball about that.

When I got in a committed relationship w/Mr. Woo, I negotiated for a clause that if either of us ever felt the desire to have "extracurricular activities" that we could as long as we discussed it thoroughly first. He knows I like females (and males, too), but doesn't really get what I gave up when I chose to be in relationship with him. But it helps when he's feeling insecure to be able to say, "Hey, of all the people in the world...female, male or otherwise, I picked you."

Not sure that's helpful, but I encourage you to keep posting to work it out.

Peace,

Wooster

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oh, btw, the first time I had sex with a woman, I had a boyfriend at the time. When I told him about it, he thought it was hot. That's how most straight men will react, I think.

Unless someone's in the sort of relationship Wooster's talking about and has that kind of agreement or discussion about it before doing it, I very incredibly strongly recommend against doing this if you don't want a serious risk of royally screwing things up. There is a stereotype that guys like that sort of thing, but if you're already in an established relationship, there's a pretty big risk of it making things worse, not better. In my own experience, even among people who do think stuff like that is hot, a lot of them also think that their girlfriend going around doing stuff with other people behind their back is Not Good, regardless of the gender of who they're doing it with (if there isn't some sort of preexisting agreement that doing that sort of thing is ok). To a bunch of people, it doesn't matter whether the other person has a penis, a vagina, or tentacles; you still had sex with them (the result of which of course depends on a bunch of thing, like the level of openness to things like that in the relationship, which obviously varies greatly, but you get the idea). Doing something like that and assuming it'll be ok because "guys think it's hot" is just as silly an idea as the stupid things guys do and think are ok because "chicks dig that". Heh.

...end rant. Not really directed at anyone in particular, and I don't particularly expect anyone was about to run out and go do that without at least thinking about it, but I'm sure it'll apply to someone who eventually reads this, and stereotypes that are dangerously wrong just kind of bug me.

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I just wanted to second liveoak's suggestion that this kind of thing is why therapists were invented. I wouldn't be in a huge hurry to discuss this with your boyfriend until you've addressed it in therapy, or, I guess, in some other way gotten a lot more clarity than you seem to currently have, and have prepared yourself somewhat for his possible responses.

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Unless someone's in the sort of relationship Wooster's talking about and has that kind of agreement or discussion about it before doing it, I very incredibly strongly recommend against doing this if you don't want a serious risk of royally screwing things up.

I agree so much with this. I know lots of guys who think that girls together is hot, but who would not be cool with finding out their girlfriend did it on the side.

And, no totally you're not alone. It took me years to work out my orientation. Heck, who am I kidding. I'm still working out my orientation.

Therapy sounds like a good idea. There are therapists that have a focus in glbt issues.

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I just want to add that since you are in a serious relationship and you are seriously questioning your orientation, you owe it not only to yourself but also to him and the relationship to seek a reasonable level of resolution now rather than waiting until later. Talking it out with a lgbt friendly therapist should help a lot. If you need to take an official time out from the relationship to reassess yourself and what the relationship means, then do that. As difficult as that might be, it is less difficult than doing the same a year, two, many from now. It also is your life. You owe it to yourself to know yourself and then make your life decisions accordingly. I wish I had easier answers or that there was a magic wand. I have none and there isn't one. All I do know is that denial and/or sticking your head in the sand regarding any major life issue is only a temporary fix at best.

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