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Guest mOoOdymama

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Guest mOoOdymama

i rapidly cycle throughout the day. around 6 or 7pm i start to get really irritable and easily agitated w/ my 6 yo dd. that is my cue to run and hide so she doesn't have to withstand my wrath. my poor daughter...she will either be BP too or develop some awful low self esteem and confusion from her jekyl and hyde mother. i feel just awful. i so desperately want to at least find a med that stabilizes me from these awful states of mood. its awful. how can my dd believe i truly adore her when i have treated her like i have at times??? is there a parent board on here? we should have a separate parent forum or section to discuss this stuff...i really worry for my daughter...she is now 6.

god i hope this lamictal helps. anyway, yeah. i cycle thruout the day...what is that? i can go from depression (major) to hypomania where i have energy and i'm woohoo! all down w/ shopping or dancing to music in the car or in the house or just my joyful 'natural' (? whatever that is) 'essence' that i think is there...and then i can suddenly get agitated and totally pissed off/enraged. my dd seems to trigger this. it isn't her fault but she really seems to love kicking me when i'm down and it just makes it so much worse for me to manage my emotions at those times...sometimes i think maybe she should live w/ someone else. i don't want her to have to put up w/ my crap when she 'acts up' on me and sasses me to no end. anyway. ugh. this is some hard shit to handle...i truly think our society creates this in so many of us...the way we are raised, expected to behave and express our emotions, etc. so what was i saying...yeah. i rapidly cycle thruout the day.

so what is that, do you think...is that cyclothymia when it is so mixed thruout each day? it isn't like i'm 'just' depressed for days on end or 'just' hypomanic for days on end or 'just' agitated for weeks...its all mixed up. and my feet are cold...god its cold here. is this still considered BPII? i'm so confused. oh i want this hell to stop. oh and the mania isn't severe, meaning i don't think i'm someone i'm not. but i have had many a times when i thought i could carry out a goal and that i was capable of high functioning, ie. completing things like a class i loved or going to college...completing a creative endeavor i was so into...things like that. but i don't think i'm madonna or miss thang or something. and i don't walk outside naked or sing opera from the balcony. not that that is a bad thing..............lol just stating what i don't do to give you all a better picture...oh and what is up w/ PTSD and how long does that last?

i could name many a thing i'm upset about that are probably still causing me distress to this day...the fact that i started having sex at 14 and a half and then the guy cheated on me (the first guy). i wanted to kill him with his own shotgun when i heard he cheated on me...i remember the enraged feelings i had re. hearing his betrayal. and then it was really downhill from there as far as the guys i chose to give my heart to. wooooo... here i am 38 years old and terrified to even THINK of getting w/ someone again. and how do we all get by...i mean do most of us live w/ someone who supports our sorry asses while we figure out meds to semi-stabilize us or what. cuz i can barely function in the world as far as coming across as competent anymore...i'm not on disability. i get welfare (food money, TANF cash assistance when i can get it...) but that isn't enough. it helps.

my mother pressures me to contribute and i'm like huh?! i can't do this anymore. i keep getting fired or giving up on jobs and i'm sooo overwhelmed w/ responsibility. i'm a single mother. how do we do it??? live w/ family who will support us who understand or...what?

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oh i definitely have more than FOUR in one year. ha!!! how about four times 365...!!! i am seeing a PMHNP right now. so far i'm impressed with her. we are working on the dx...

i think my daughter does know i love her so much and that i'm struggling in my brain...she is so frustrated though. she wants mama's pills to WORK. yeah, ME TOO i say.

sorry bout the chunky writing. i will try my best to not do that.

disability sounds great but i hear its hard to get. worth a shot though maybe...if my shrink will cooperate.

karuna, thanks so much for posting your reply. i looked at your blog and i also love chai...i also love photography and love your pics!!! powerful stuff. and also could relate to much you shared on there. thanks for sharing your blog with us...hugs. i look forward to getting to know you and everyone here.

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hey- so am just going to say sorry in advance for this short reply-

I did read and will hopefully get a chance to come back when I can, BUT

I just wanted to say hang in there with the meds-- have you tried many more than what you're on now?

If you were just on zoloft before adding the lamictal, then it'd make sense that your meds weren't balancing your mood as zoloft is just an antidepressant and not meant to even out mood. Lamictal sounds like a really good move on your doc's part (are you increasing or seeing how 25mg will do? 25mg is pretty darn low so at least you have plenty of room to increase if need be).

goodluck in the meantime, but do give lamictal a fair shot-- it's the med that changed everything for me and even though we have pretty different cases, I know quite a few people who have been nudged in the right direction by it.

Sorry am phrasing things so awkwardly, am tired, stick with it,

meg

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i rapidly cycle throughout the day. around 6 or 7pm i start to get really irritable and easily agitated w/ my 6 yo dd. that is my cue to run and hide so she doesn't have to withstand my wrath. my poor daughter...she will either be BP too or develop some awful low self esteem and confusion from her jekyl and hyde mother. i feel just awful. i so desperately want to at least find a med that stabilizes me from these awful states of mood. its awful. how can my dd believe i truly adore her when i have treated her like i have at times??? is there a parent board on here? we should have a separate parent forum or section to discuss this stuff...i really worry for my daughter...she is now 6.

Parenting/Pregnancy/Childhood Issues - Nature or Nurture

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