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You know what?

I'm actually depressed. Like ACTUALLY DEPRESSED. Not just kind of depressed. I've been "feeling kind of depressed" for several weeks.

But no, I'm fucking depressed, ok? I feel like shit. Like I want to crawl under a rock and rot there for a while.

And my father just fucking kicked me out of the room and I want to beat him over the head.

I've been crying for random, stupid reasons and having worrying worrying worrying in my head and having comfort issues.

I don't want to go to work because it just seems so overwhelming. I'm exhausted. I just want to call out and because of how the schedules worked out I'm working 6 days in a row. I just don't know if I can fucking do it.

It doesn't help that I didn't really exercise for 5 days because of the power and I just don't do cold.

At the same time I feel like writing a lot more and I'm spending a bit more money than I should and I'm getting up early in the morning and I don't know. Stuff is weird.

I FEEL WEIRD

FUCK BIPOLAR

IN THE FUCKING EAR

WITH A RAKE.

...well I guess I feel a teeny bit better after that.

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i'm sorry Luna ;)

six days in a row is a lot. i dunno about you but if i'm already depressed looking a week ahead of time just makes me feel worse. i don't exactly know how to stop doing that, though...

i just hope you feel better soon. cold does suck. hang in there baby.

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Ugh, that sounds just awful. Depression sucks, mixed states suck, bipolar sucks. And thinking about the future (like even "3 hrs from now," let alone 6 days of work) is dreadful. Can you see your pdoc anytime soon?

FUCK BIPOLAR

IN THE FUCKING EAR

WITH A RAKE.

Amen to that. I couldn't agree more. I don't know if this helps at all, but you did bring a smile to my face with that one. Our brains should not be allowed to do this horrible shit to us.

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The funny thing is... I just saw my pdoc.

My anxiety is going out of control but we can't full address it because he doesn't want me starting an entirely new medication while he's on holiday [out of the country]. So, he gave me lorazepam. Which I've been on before and suggested I try a stronger dose.

WELLLLL OK.

It's making me feel lethargic. Like I NEED to move faster but I can't and it's fucking frustrating. I can't be snappy and quick and "together" and my speed score at work just got lower and lower and lower. I feel like I am just in slow motion.

And for the anxiety... eh... it's definately masking some of it. But it's still there. And I'm still anxious. And I can still feel it.

And I still definately almost cried several times today at work.

And it definately sucked.

So I guess I'm stuck being stuck for a while.

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