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I'm so over this....


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I got out of the hospital back in mid November and have been fighting with Geodon ever since. Too much, akasthisia, not enough, mixed state. I'm just so fucking sick of tweaking and changing and buying another size capsule that I'm in tears. At what point do I pack it in and switch AGAIN to another AAP??? I'm running out of options in that department, that's for sure, and I keep thinking that I'll find the sweet spot and feel better at some point. I'm tired, tired, tired; and my boss is losing patience with me. Her latest comment is "you're over analyzing all your feelings". WHAT??? Akasthisia makes me want to jump of a fucking bridge, and you're telling me I'm over-analyzing? Any and all commentary is welcome, I just needed to vent.

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I can't tell you anything helpful.

I have been in that place of fear and frustration and it sucks. It just makes it all that much more depressing when someone trivializes the fight for life with a comment like your boss made. Are you missing work, or fucking up? If you're *just* overanalyzing your emotions and angsty at work, but still getting the job done, then she's a bit out of line, IMO.

Hope it gets better for you. I know you've had a long struggle and this has been a really sucky year for you.

S9

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Thanks for replying. I'm not fucking up at work, in fact, I'm performing better than I have for most of the year. I wish we had less of a personal and more of a professional relationship sometimes, because she feels she can say this kind of stuff to me because of our "friendship". I need to work on boundaries with her, that's for sure. She's my only "friend" (I'm laughing as I type this), and I enjoy most of our closeness. I just wish she could step in my shoes for a few days, not that we don't all wish that at one time or another, right?

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Yeah, there is a really crude saying that goes to that, "don't poo where you eat."

I think looking for validation of our feelings an experiences as people with MI is natural--even though it does seem to disappoint more than not.

Boundaries are good! I had a relationship with a boss like that a long time ago. She was a "big sister" type. I invited her all up in my business and over time I was really sorry for having done that. Through too many work friendships gone south, I think now it's better to just be aloof and do the job and go home. But that's ME. I'm not judging anyone else. (and I don't work anymore either since becoming disabled, so it's easy for me to Monday Morning Quarterback.)

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