Depressed and no end to the downward spiral

[Dire Curves]

I just got back from my ten year reunion.  Although only a third showed up, I was the only one jobless, poor, oldest vehicle....yadda yadda.  Soon I will be going to college to improve my life and knowledge.  The last weeek has been hectic getting ready, just recently have been awake for days.  Now I'm very very depressed, though I don't understand why.  Why all of a sudden I feel like the whole world is shoving shit into my soul and turning it into rancid acid ready to burn through my heart.  How do I get rid of my depressive rage before I do something that would be even more devastating than just being pissedoffdepressedloser?  sorry

[LunaRufina]

How do I get rid of my depressive rage before I do something that would be even more devastating than just being pissedoffdepressedloser?

Call doctor. Yes, definately. You are describing this as a donward spiral and you are getting ready to start back at school. PLUS you are miserable and you don't want things to get worse. You also realize there is probably a good chance that you can get worse.

CALL.

As soon as possible.

I just got back from my ten year reunion.  Although only a third showed up, I was the only one jobless, poor, oldest vehicle....yadda yadda. Soon I will be going to college to improve my life and knowledge.

You showed up, said hi.  Great.  Comparing yourself to others is never accurate- you don't know what they have been through and vice versa.

You are trying to get your shit together now- don't diminish that and sabotage yourself.

The last weeek has been hectic getting ready, just recently have been awake for days.  Now I'm very very depressed, though I don't understand why.  Why all of a sudden I feel like the whole world is shoving shit into my soul and turning it into rancid acid ready to burn through my heart.

I can't give an exact reason. I am guessing you are anxious,. a little burned out, screwed from not sleeping and having a rebound from that. Maybe you are also ruminating on all that is possibly negative in the world, just because you can.  I can't really tell you. But you DO have a mood disorder, and none of us are going to be super-fantastic all the time. However, this is a call your doctor situation.

This is also a time for a minor 'reality check'- don't bring yourself down because your old classmates didn't seem have a chemical imbalance exactly like yours.  Every brain, person and situation is different.  If you looked at all the members on this board, everyone is at a different place in their life, and has a different goal that they need to reach.

Call your doctor, and take care of yourself.

~navy~

[MiaB]

I really liked what Navy had to say above, and just wanted to say "ditto" -- sorry not to be more helpful....!

Soon I will be going to college to improve my life and knowledge.

HUGE step for you to take! Huge huge huge... I can't emphasise that enough.

[synthetic]

I just got back from my ten year reunion.  Although only a third showed up, I was the only one jobless, poor, oldest vehicle....yadda yadda.

You have more courage than me.  This year is also my ten year reunion and there is no way in hell that I can face those people. 

How do I get rid of my depressive rage before I do something that would be even more devastating than just being pissedoffdepressedloser?

As Navy said, talk to your doctor.  Don't let it get to a point that you do something you will regret.  Take some time for yourself and forget about what the rest of the world thinks.  You obviously want to improve your life, otherwise you wouldn't be going back to school.  As someone who has been there, I know how hard it is, but it is worth it. 

Good luck.

[seven]

I just got back from my ten year reunion.

[GroovyGwen]

Is it bad that this thread made not want to go to my 10 yr reunion in October even more??  My bf really wants me to go, has mentioned forcing me, but I don't think so.. I still have frickin' issues from hs and I know it will bring that up again.  Unless by some miracle I get a rockin' job or go back to school or get some kind of epiphany about my life in the next 2 months.  Doubt it.  I even live in the next town over from where I grew up and live above some people from HS, but there is not way. 

As for you (that's what we were talking about before I rudely changed the topic to myself, right?), think of the 2/3 of your class that didn't show up, you don't know why they didn't, it could be because they are ashamed of not being where they think they should be, or, god forbid, they died.  At least you still have time to work on stuff.  Besides, I read something that said that the 10 yr doesn't count because people  still have no clue about their lives and are trying to get settled.  The people are all still in their 20's and god knows the 20's suck.  (So I've heard, I am only 28 and it comforts me)

And for those fucking people who have their lives together and have the perfect job and the perfect family and are all happy - how long do you think it will be until they get way bored with their lives?  Or their spouse cheats on them, or something equally nasty.  Even if that doesn't happen, good for them, I wish I was them, but I'm not and I am doing the best I can.  If they look at me and think I am pathetic, then they are oblivious and ignorant. 

[Dire Curves]

Thanks all.  Though I wish I could say it helps (ok a little) but things are just piling up.  Just got told I need to push up my classes and add two more.  My best friend moved to dallas this morning.  Got a $70 fishing ticket for trying to fish for the first time in two years.  Can't afford to pay it or buy some of the things I need for school.  On top of that, my parents are telling me I need to get a job (been telling me that for the last year) more so now.  If I overwhelm myself I'll just end up back at a hospital (oh did I mention I can't pay my dr bill or pharm bill)  MONEY sucks!!  I guess I'm just ranting but that's why we're here right.  Just a few hours ago I was watching TV (supposed to be a funny show) and alll my buddies there were laughing their asses off, I didn't find any of it funny.  It's like all the happiness and harmony I thought I had just disapeared.

OBTW I recently started welbutrin/xanax.  It seemed to work two weeks ago but now I feel nothing and I mean NOTHING.  I soonest I can see a doc is the 11th.  It's through the VA so I don't know what to expect.  Thanks, "sunken" Dire.

[Dire Curves]

Update for those who care mostly better now found out I got a FULL Pell grant for my first year of college (whew).  And for some reason that deep dark feeling didn't last as long as usual.  Must be the Welbutrin, funny the last medication I try ends up being the oldest!

[Dire Curves]

Big fight with parents mom crying dad wanting to beat me but he better know better, I know I need to get my "shit" together, do they realize that's what I've been trying to do for the last year.

[Dire Curves]

Guess I'm just conversating with myself.  How you doin?  Terrible.  What's wrong?  Life is shitty.  Why's that?  Life sucks wear a helmet, and strap yourself into your bed forever.

[synthetic]

I have found the only way to have an intelligent conversation most days is to talk to myself.  Other people find it a little disconcerting, but I don't care.

Based on the number of views, people are paying attention.  I don't about anyone else, but if I don't have anything helpful to add, I try to resist the urge to blabber on endlessly about stupid crap.  So keep posting.  Just cuz we don't respond doesn't mean we don't care.

[Dire Curves]

Thanks, things are just very very stressful; starting college, moving, poss new Dr (with VA {scary or not I don't know?}) have bad rubber on my new 15 year old car, and my only positive support person is gone 24 days a month.  Plust did I mention I've a psych review with the VA tomorrow morning.  I hate mornings.

[CastorFache]

Okay...I just read all the posts here...so bear with me a little.

Um...you went to your 10 year reunion and you were the only one THERE without a job.  You said only about 1/3 of the class was there.  Somewhere out there there are others who are unemployed.

By the fact that you are going to the VA, it becomes apparent to me that you have had a job, and not just any job, you had perhaps one of the most honourable jobs going...you were in the military.  How many of the folks at your reunion can say that?  You have served your country, take pride in that know that you have the respect of many for (including me) for having done that.

I also admire anyone who takes the chance and makes moves to improve their situation...you are heading off to college soon.  That is a big step.  I would venture that when most of your classmates were in college, you were wearing olive drab holding a rifle, so now is your chance to go to college.

Don't worry so much about being "older" than most folks at college.  I spent ten years at uni, and got better at it as I got older.  I would go back at the drop of a hat.  Hell, I have a friend who is "back at school" now...and my 20 year reunion is coming up next year. 

I am not entirely familiar with the VA (being Canadian) but my understanding is that most of the folks who work there really do give a shit about you and the other vets.  Let them know you are weirded out, and see what happens.

Take care.

Castor

[Dire Curves]

Thanks Castor

Later today I'll be going in for a full physical.  Last week the pdoc added Clonazepam and Divalproex.  Since then I've fallen down several dozen times and my g-friend says I'm not myself.  Should I give this time or what.  I've been on different "versions" of these meds and they didn't work then (even told the doc that).  I am a person that takes pride in my steadiness, quickness, and physical balance, these meds are making me more depressed and very irritated.  Damn doctors do not realize I KNOW MY BODY better than they do.  They may have a degree and treat others similar to me, however, none seem to listen and recognize I research everything to the "T".  This new pdoc is very compassionate and listens well but it feels like he treats me the same as he treats the rest (good in some regards but not mine).  I know this may sound extravagant but I am not like most people (bipolar or not) In everything I do I am always in the top 10% (no I'm not bragging) it is just that this health care system treats people as a group and not as the individuals we are.  I'm still waiting to meet a Bipolar Psychiatrist, then I believe we could get things done the right way.  Oh yeah, to all of you like me, we need to stand together and kick some PhD ass just so that they will realize that most of these meds they administer us give us side effects just as bad or worse than what we already go through.  I apologize for such a long rambling but things need to change and only we can do this.  So let us stand together and make our caregivers and healthcare system realize that they can not do their jobs without OUR help.

[crazylikeafox]

I'm with you, Dire.  You may not know me, but from everything I've just read on this post, I feel like you deserve to succeed in what you set out to do.

I've been in college, of and on, since I was 16.  I'm now 33.  I've had to take YEARS off at a time, have had entire semesters expunged due to mental illness, retaken things two or three times because I've gotten fucked up right at the end of classes and not shown up for the final.  I am a fucking perfectionist, of course, and been near suicidal over the shame of not passing a class-- or even worse, BARELY passing a class.  I still have one year to go for my philosophy degree (I finally settled on a major in 2000).

Despite all that, My GPA is around 3.6.  I had to let go of being perfect, and realize that just showing up is worth something.  Plus philo is a harsh major.  3.6 is pretty damn good when I consider that in all that time, I've lived with abusive/toxic parents, run away from home three times, been raped, been in mortal danger more than once, lived with crazy-ass boyfriends, had random unprotected sex, done drugs, drank, attempted suicide, fallen in love (with the right person!), gotten married, changed colleges four times, had two miscarriages . . .

Okay now, the point of all that was NOT to start a pity party.  I have no need for such, and I know you don't want it either.  The point was that yes, when I am well enough to take classes, and I sit beside all those bright-eyed rich kids who have never wanted for anything, who's parents are paying for their college, and who say things like "yeah, I don't know.  I might spend spring quarter in France.  I think that would be really enriching for me, and it would like look really good on my transcript for grad school", I just want to break something heavy over their air-filled little heads.

But, these people, as it has been said before, have not had your life.  Who Gives A Fuck About Them (it's a good mantra, try it).  This life is about you.  No one else.

Take a deep breath.  Focus on what's around you, what you want to change, what's ahead of you.  Do not expect it to be easy.  Do expect to slip up.  You're MI, for pity's sake.  Cut yourself a break.  Get your blinders on as far as other people and just plow forward.

Come here for support.  Work to find the right doctors.  Do to the disability resource center at your school.  Take advantage of any help you can get.  Hang around others having the same issues, and that are working toward the same goals. 

We're all behind you.  Bravo.

J.

[CastorFache]

Thanks Castor

Later today I'll be going in for a full physical.

[Dire Curves]

A little history on "my" Military history.  US NAVY>  Top Honorman straight out of boot camp and continued to be through 1 1/2 years of training (yes I trained alongside marines), recieved "better than average scores on "everything" until I had three months of my term left (made it to E-5 in 3 years) then had my first major mental breakdown, locked myself in my house unplugged the phone and locked the door for a week.  Obviously I "went" AWOL and my skipper did not see that that was a problem left not for her to punish me.  Everyone in my squadron was on my side except her.  She was just trying to make an example that being AWOL for a week was not tolerable.  I understand that in the military when personnel do something wrong they are punished to keep the "flock" in line.  However, prior to my breakdown I was diagnosed dysphoric, so you see the pattern now.  Nearly four years of excellent service destroyed by one week long mental breakdown.  Don't take pity on me, for if I was not Bipolar I would not have the "extravagance" to stand out and be proud to say I AM DIFFERENT!

[NARS]

Depakote was a bitch to get used to; it was sedating and yep, I was very klutzy on it at first, dropping stuff, stumbling, bashing myself on furniture, walking into doors, that sort of thing.  My balance was way off, too.  I've always been a real rock, even carrying a heavy pack was able to bounce my way to equilibrium whenever I slipped off a rock, that sort of thing.  It was disconcerting, but it did pass over several weeks.  I don't know anything about clonazepam, but the devalproex might be worth sticking with for a while.  It takes a while to kick in and get to the right dose.

That being said, I think these are fairly old standards for drugs.  Well tested and most pdocs have decades of experience using them, so good conservative drugs.  These days there are lots more and newer meds where those came from, so don't stress if a month or two goes by and you don't feel better.  Of course we all hate the lab-rat thing of trying other meds, but you'll be amazed how worthwhile it is when meds kick in and you start feeling better.

Lots of us here are driven perfectionists.  Some of the unpleasant parts of the driven-ness has turned out to be my BP and medically treatable.  I'm still a hard worker, brighter than most, more creative than most, more insightful than most, usually the only one here working late or in on a Sunday getting prepped for the week.  But I'm much less critical of the folks around me who used to drive me crazy.  I'm more tolerant of lazy coworkers and air-headed privileged idjits whose idea of stress is getting a scratch on the BMW daddy bought them for Christmas. 

It double-sucks that your superiors were so primitive that they couldn't take your BP into consideration even though you were almost at the end of your term.  Sure, unit discipline is critical, but did that have to tank your career?  Anyhow, I'm not military, I know there's a lot I don't get about it.  But I know a number of alcoholics who did no worse than you in terms of bailing out when they couldn't stay sober and who were forced into treatment instead of being drummed out.  How is this worse?  I guess it'll take more time before MI starts being treated with some respect.  Bitch, moan...

[Dire Curves]

Went back to doc and straight up told them no more mood stabilizers, just need something for anxiety.  So now it's Bupropion, Buspirone, and my cocktail of vitamins and minerals.  I feel much better.  We'll see in a month how these handle my anxiety.

[Dire Curves]

couldn't leave the house.  didn't touch the phone. just tried to relax my mind.  and it wouldn't. damn my mind damn mine brain.  didn't want to write this down. but I did. put me on the crazy train.

[Dire Curves]

ok.  grandma called.  feel a little better.  S.O.'s cat made me go outside.  too damn hot.

[Dire Curves]

I must be allergic to the sun, it makes me sick.

[Dire Curves]

Well, Sat night, staying home, feeling better.  Just can't get any good motivation.  Nor can I change my sleep "schedule" to fit my class schedule (not that I've ever had a steady sleep cycle).  Does anyone have any ideas on how to change from sleeping in the mornings to sleeping at night? (other than using meds!)

[NARS]

DC, google "sleep hygiene" and you'll find several great articles on how to get your sleep regulated.  It takes some discipline--something it sounds like you're well equipped with--but within a few weeks many people get normal sleep doing simple stuff like minimizing bright lights, TV and other stimulation a few hours before bedtime, keeping bedtime constant 7 days a week, getting bright light first thing in the morning, that sort of thing.

The thing is, as a lifetime wound-up type of BP II, I've had insomnia since childhood.  Often no matter what I do I just can't stop my mind from chattering.  I keep Ambien around, and during stresses and medication changes I'm shameless about using it.  It won't substitute for the rest of my sleep routine. If I bring a magazine to bed I'm likely to stay up until I've finished it, and if I stay in front of the TV I'm toast.  But if I calm down and get to bed, and I don't fall asleep on my own within 1/2 hour, Ambien is worth it, no hangover, and good deep sleep.

[Dire Curves]

I've been the same way since birth, insomniac anyhow, and as for sleeping meds, it takes more than the recomended dosage to get my mind to slow down enough that I fall asleep and then I'm completely shitty the next day.  'Course the way I do things now isn't much better I suppose, stay up two days-sleep some-stay up two days..........

[Dire Curves]

College rocks, so far, but last week I tore a muscle behind my scapula.  It kills when I lean up against something, so you can imagine I don't like to sit for too long when I'm in pain.  The worst part is that it doesn't just hurt, it spasms too.  New to me, and not liking it.  Yadda Yadda......

Anyway the doc prescribed cyclobenzaprine (a muscle relaxer) and it works.  Actually it works two ways, stops my torn muscle from spasms and it helps me fall asleep (within an hour and a half).  Normally it takes me 2 to 4 hours just to wind down.  I wonder if the doc could prescribe me that for sleep assistance when needed.  The PI sheet I saw didn't have much on the side affects or dangers of this drug so I don't know what long term use would lead to, do you?  Just curious because I'm actually getting more than 3-4 hours of sleep per 30 hours of being awake and without the side affects of sleep meds (med head{don't know what else to call it}) keeping me alert enough in the mornings.

[Dire Curves]

Catchup

here's the deal

last fall i started two things at once, trying to change my cocktail of anti-anxiety/mood blahblh...and college.  had to withdraw from college.  Good news, switched to valium, something that I tried to tell sev docs that that was the best bet to beat my anxiety with the least amount of side effects.

I know the worst side effect is that it is addictive, well guess what docs, i'm probably gonna have to take this mixed up chemical (created by educated guesses from people just starting to understand what the mind truely does and/ or doesn't, can't, not yet, not quite enough or too much.rant...) for the rest of my life so why the and / or    am i to do....?

post script;  does anyone know a psychologist who are themselves bipolar,...(fill in the blank), and understands what goes on?

[Dweii]

I just read your first post since I'm tired.

But really, screw the weird feelings about your reunion. Richer/educated/employed people are NOT better people. You have had to struggle with MI, most of them haven't. Of course that makes your life harder. But that also makes you a stronger person with much more life experience than they have.

I know this is sooo much easier to say than to do. Sorry.

Oh yeah, about your last post... I know what it's like. School and stress can really be major triggers. Take it from a three times school dropout. And that's high school.

Things will get better. They always do. In the end. It may take a while.

Hope you're feeling better soon and keep updating us!

[Dire Curves]

Just got in the mail my app for increasing my veterans disability from measly to moderately better.  They want proof that my condition is worsening, well let's see, haven't had a job in 2 yrs, withdrew from college my first year (in process of redoing that) and my episodes are getting stronger and longer and still while i'm taking meds.

No i'm not taking a mood stabilizer, and prob never will!

now they want to say my insomnia is part of my BP mixture, how can that be if I've been an insomniac from birth shouldn't it be the other way round?

p/o'd

people want me to go for ssi also.  I HATE GOVERNMENT PAPERWORK that is why i don't work for them anymore!

jsut ranting

[Dire Curves]

Next week i have two appointments.  first, tuesday i'll be seeing a pdoc at the nearest vets hospital to hopefully take care of past problems.  then wednesday, i'll be seeing a second pdoc in another vets hospital 80 miles from the other, to decide how "disabled" i am/not. 

this is very stressfull since everytime i go through a major episode it is the pdoc that screws everything up and changes everything so that they can go "by the book"

i'm tired of repeating myself to doc after doc, only to have each one make the same stupid mistakes.

any help in how to get these "know it all" docs to listen to someone smarter than them?

right now i can only think of a few things that'll reduce my tension, however, every single thing may lead me to an emergency room (love blizzards, best time to go for a drive noone else is on the road)

wait i know one thing!

[Dire Curves]

hello........    hello says the echo upon the twilights gleam of tomorrow.

shall we dispose of this world as we are currently doing well, or shall we save it, only to let our leaders dispose of the good we have done.

did you know that in the population of the US, only 1%  is native American.  that saddens me, especially since it may have been some of my ancestors doing the damage.  how can i consume all the evil done by my past blood so that my future and the future of our children do not suffer the consequences.

i know i am rambling, though the thoughts are saddening and frightening, it helps me to work through these and many more problems.

i think i want to build my own island in the middle of the sea and live with the world that should be. 

Has anyone read "The millennial Project" by Marshall T. Savage.  if not i highly recommend it if you have any hopes of curing Gaia's sickness. 

yeah i know i read too much.  what else is there to do when noone else is about (usually asleep) and i have this unobtainable goal to make a difference.  I learn, i teach, and i make mistakes so i can teach myself to learn.  hey that was pretty good, maybe i'll use that in the future; if there is much of one left.

[Dire Curves]

well, the 1st doctor was better than the last, seeing the pattern of whenever they change my medicine to go by the DSM IV, it sends me in a 3 to 6 month downward spiral either beginning or ending with hypomania (add high anxiety 2 days/week throughout).  Since i've restarted my brain chemistry supplements (orthomolecular psychology) a few docs recommend an antidepressant, wellbutrin is only that currently works well.  However because of the mild anxiety that causes, add a benzo like diazepam.

2nd doc was much better, though was not a "practicing psychologist" just an evaluator, very understanding, and often would say something intelligent.  He was the first pdoc to ask me about my past and actually go through the many steps all previous pdocs did not do like LOOKING AT MY PAST MED RECORDS not just the ones since i was diagnosed.  Anyone else had this problem?  finding a good understanding pdoc and find out they cannot help you or have quit the practice?  well time will tell as it always does in doses tenfold of that which we need.

i don't even know if any of this crap is doing any good, though those around me notice a good difference when i take the prescription meds "with" supplements. 

There is definitely an imbalance somewhere in the cranial chemical soup that is my noggin.  But since i don't know what molecular substance is the cause (if there is just one) i do not have a laboratory to test myself.  And they don't give grants to nonacademic never been to college amateur scientists!

From this point forward, i will continue to talk to myself.

[Dire Curves]

I just finished reading "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jameson, let me tell you i found it to be very reassuring.  Especially to find out that there is actually some MI's in the med field studying/applying what they have learned from science AND their own lives.  Perhaps someday i can do the same and help those in need whit the info in me dead head.

Conceptualized Reality integrated with the Intraverted Deceptions that occupy my Twilights Dreams keep me from obtaining the truth of me that evades Idealized Perception.

Can anyone tell me what i just said _/\_ right there?  me mind is losing a battle in a war of which I was greatly outnumbered to begin with.

[betcsu]

Conceptualized Reality integrated with the Intraverted Deceptions that occupy my Twilights Dreams keep me from obtaining the truth of me that evades Idealized Perception.

Can anyone tell me what i just said _/\_ right there?  me mind is losing a battle in a war of which I was greatly outnumbered to begin with.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

let me try to translate:

Conceptualized

to form a concept of

concept

something conceived in the mind

conceived

to cause to begin : ORIGINATE - to take into one's mind

Reality

the quality or state of being real

integrated

a : to unite with something else b : to incorporate into a larger unit

with the

Intraverted

to turn inward or in upon itself

Deceptions

something that deceives : TRICK

deceive

to cause to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid

that

occupy

to engage the attention or energies of

my Twilights Dreams keep me from

obtaining

to gain or attain usually by planned action or effort

the truth of me that

evades

to be elusive to : BAFFLE

Idealized

to give an ideal form or value to b : to attribute ideal characteristics to

ideal

relating to or constituting mental images, ideas , or conceptions

Perception.

a result of perceiving : OBSERVATION b : a mental image : CONCEPT

perceive

to attain awareness or understanding of

so to sum up, i think what you said ^up there^ is this:

the originiation in your mind of the state of being real united with the inward upon itself trick that causes you to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid and that engage the attention or energies of your Twilights Dreams keep you from gaining or attaining the truth of you that is eludes the mental images, ideas , or conceptions and the awareness or understanding of such.

does that help? 

seriously though, when i have deep thoughts like that i end up spending much time in my dictionary chasing down each word and each new word a previous word led me to and so on...  it can be daunting and as you can see by my summary of your statement, it usually doesnt help. but it makes me feel deep and profound and oh so smart - even if i have no idea what i mean!

oh and btw, i REALLY wanna read that book. my local libraries dont have it and ive spent all i can for now so i'll have to wait to get the book. but i do look forward to reading it.

i hope youre feeling better now! hang in there.

[Dire Curves]

I had to go to the nearest (80 miles away) Barnes and Noble store to find it. (the book)

As to how i'm feeling now, tis quite puzzling, i talked to my cousins wife (my cousin's bipolar also but graduated with my parents) and after telling her how my life has been the last 6 months she said she was proud and respects me for finding out the information i need before the doctors even know.  blah blah.... after telling her that most of the "meds" i take are vitamin/mineral/trace metal/etc... rather than the doctors "recommended" drugs (that'l either turn me diabetic/liver troub/etc) she said that it is probably the better bet to go that way than to rely on stuff that in the wrong dosage will kill me.

anyhow, my family, after so many years are finally realizing that it's niether their fault nor my own, just the damnest luck of genetics that condemded.... no ... blessed me with the disposition that makes me different from them (most of my family are quite "perfect")

blah

rant

....

dire

[Dire Curves]

this week goin good, i'll be workin in the field & my fams machine shop pretty steadily, though me grandma does not like it when i'm there late at night when noone else is up for reasons of safety of course.  some power tools can be dangerous... hehe especially when you like more POWER....

no worries mates.............yet

[Dire Curves]

Money, in the form it is today including credit is the ruin of all people. At least those of us middle class and below who find trivial spending a luxery. I am tired of peoples saying they can't afford this and that when they don't even need anything near what they want. here i am having to use my gf and parents for backup otherwise i'd be homeless and hungry. SSI won't accept me and my VA disability barely covers taking care of my 'disorder'. This shit's starting to piss me off, and is causing friction between my gf and my parents.

bitch

rant

this shit sucks

[hideandseek]

About finding pdocs... My previous quit private practice and left me with no referral. I called all around, I live in a small city, Little Rock, AR, not the most enlightened place, but has a decent medical school and large medical services center, for the whole state. The only pdocs taking patients specialized in substance abuse and that is not my problem. Ended up going to Memphis, 150 mi. away, to a pdoc who is a psychopharmacologist and neurologist. He is pretty good, knows his stuff and has empathy. I will soon be moving to the Dallas area, dh has retired and we want to be closer to some family and friends. I will have to find a new pdoc, who for years has done therapy with me as well, and a new tdoc. To me this will probably end up being the most daunting part of the move. My current pdoc will try to find me some to try, he believes in trying them out and think most in his field are assholes.

Hideandseek

[Dire Curves]

I agree with your pdoc, most are selfabsorbed assholes that are "walking DSM's" as someone put it. They treat all bipolars the same and don't treat the patient.

good luck, i have several old friends in dallas and very few find many things wrong with the place.

myself, i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere when it comes to good pdocs, at least ones i can afford. and even then I have to travel 80+ miles every time.

I would think a psychopharmacologist/neurologist would be beneficial, i wish i could find one that was bipolar so they would have a first hand experience of what it's like.

[Dire Curves]

for some odd reason i've been feeling somewhat down lately. It's been over a week since i've smoked da ganga (i know that can't be the explaination) The only major stressors i have are my parents stubborness. And unfortunately, my gf and i are arguing more and more. mostly about stupid shit, difference in opinions. simple little crap. she's always saying i'm argumentative when she's just always sticking to stubborness instead of listening to facts. But whenever i tell/correct her about something she thinks i'm purposely trying to make her feel stupid. In no way am i trying to bring her down, people just don't get me (especially my satire and sarcasm)

i hope its just a phase, we've been together a year (the longest adult relationship for me to date)

oh yeah, she keeps going on about how she's not right for me since we have differences.

rambling, bitching, ranting

on the downside (mine) I'm hoping it's not from arguing with her. but the goodside, it is not even close to the way i used to feel (depressed wise). That makes me hope that my cocktail of goodies is working, boy i just hate proving my pdocs wrong

[Dire Curves]

hard to keep up false "i feel fine"'s and "i'm ok"'s for so long. Still not as bad as usual, just doing this to keep a record.

rant

figure out one problem, three more arrive in the priors place

[ncc1701]

Heya Dire Curves,

Sorry you've been hurting.

It's really hard I know to keep up the act.

Like. Right now I'm hiding (really) in the closet in this hotel room I'm sharing with a colleague.

Good to hear (not sure you hear it but I do) that you're coping a bit here.

--ncc--

[Dire Curves]

I'm feeling better now, i think. I have energy, still have sleep problems and probably always will, though i find it difficult in the mornings to be in good spirits. I've had to switch my routine, started summer classes 8 am to 2 pm, and since i used to sleep somewhere between 7 am and noon i suppose this is why. My gf called this morning and later today, she said that this morning i was the grumpiest ass this morn. I just told her how would she feel if i made her sleep at noon and stay up all night. That didn't work because she said "i don't have the sleep problems you have"

that doesn't help. Did i mention i'm off (hopefully soon) to see another pdoc. I've lost count to how many i've 'seen' and it bugs me. 'Course i dont have much options since i have no money nor insurance so i'm stuck with the vets hospital currently.

ramble rant rave bitch

Sometimes in dire straights, mostly Dire Curves.

(i think curves are more dangerous)