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Depressed and no end to the downward spiral


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I just got back from my ten year reunion.  Although only a third showed up, I was the only one jobless, poor, oldest vehicle....yadda yadda.  Soon I will be going to college to improve my life and knowledge.  The last weeek has been hectic getting ready, just recently have been awake for days.  Now I'm very very depressed, though I don't understand why.  Why all of a sudden I feel like the whole world is shoving shit into my soul and turning it into rancid acid ready to burn through my heart.  How do I get rid of my depressive rage before I do something that would be even more devastating than just being pissedoffdepressedloser?  sorry

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How do I get rid of my depressive rage before I do something that would be even more devastating than just being pissedoffdepressedloser?

Call doctor. Yes, definately. You are describing this as a donward spiral and you are getting ready to start back at school. PLUS you are miserable and you don't want things to get worse. You also realize there is probably a good chance that you can get worse.

CALL.

As soon as possible.

I just got back from my ten year reunion.  Although only a third showed up, I was the only one jobless, poor, oldest vehicle....yadda yadda. Soon I will be going to college to improve my life and knowledge.
You showed up, said hi.  Great.  Comparing yourself to others is never accurate- you don't know what they have been through and vice versa.

You are trying to get your shit together now- don't diminish that and sabotage yourself.

The last weeek has been hectic getting ready, just recently have been awake for days.  Now I'm very very depressed, though I don't understand why.  Why all of a sudden I feel like the whole world is shoving shit into my soul and turning it into rancid acid ready to burn through my heart.

I can't give an exact reason. I am guessing you are anxious,. a little burned out, screwed from not sleeping and having a rebound from that. Maybe you are also ruminating on all that is possibly negative in the world, just because you can.  I can't really tell you. But you DO have a mood disorder, and none of us are going to be super-fantastic all the time. However, this is a call your doctor situation.

This is also a time for a minor 'reality check'- don't bring yourself down because your old classmates didn't seem have a chemical imbalance exactly like yours.  Every brain, person and situation is different.  If you looked at all the members on this board, everyone is at a different place in their life, and has a different goal that they need to reach.

Call your doctor, and take care of yourself.

~navy~

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I really liked what Navy had to say above, and just wanted to say "ditto" -- sorry not to be more helpful....!

Soon I will be going to college to improve my life and knowledge.
HUGE step for you to take! Huge huge huge... I can't emphasise that enough.
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I just got back from my ten year reunion.  Although only a third showed up, I was the only one jobless, poor, oldest vehicle....yadda yadda.
You have more courage than me.  This year is also my ten year reunion and there is no way in hell that I can face those people. 

How do I get rid of my depressive rage before I do something that would be even more devastating than just being pissedoffdepressedloser?

As Navy said, talk to your doctor.  Don't let it get to a point that you do something you will regret.  Take some time for yourself and forget about what the rest of the world thinks.  You obviously want to improve your life, otherwise you wouldn't be going back to school.  As someone who has been there, I know how hard it is, but it is worth it. 

Good luck.

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Is it bad that this thread made not want to go to my 10 yr reunion in October even more??  My bf really wants me to go, has mentioned forcing me, but I don't think so.. I still have frickin' issues from hs and I know it will bring that up again.  Unless by some miracle I get a rockin' job or go back to school or get some kind of epiphany about my life in the next 2 months.  Doubt it.  I even live in the next town over from where I grew up and live above some people from HS, but there is not way. 

As for you (that's what we were talking about before I rudely changed the topic to myself, right?), think of the 2/3 of your class that didn't show up, you don't know why they didn't, it could be because they are ashamed of not being where they think they should be, or, god forbid, they died.  At least you still have time to work on stuff.  Besides, I read something that said that the 10 yr doesn't count because people  still have no clue about their lives and are trying to get settled.  The people are all still in their 20's and god knows the 20's suck.  (So I've heard, I am only 28 and it comforts me)

And for those fucking people who have their lives together and have the perfect job and the perfect family and are all happy - how long do you think it will be until they get way bored with their lives?  Or their spouse cheats on them, or something equally nasty.  Even if that doesn't happen, good for them, I wish I was them, but I'm not and I am doing the best I can.  If they look at me and think I am pathetic, then they are oblivious and ignorant. 

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Thanks all.  Though I wish I could say it helps (ok a little) but things are just piling up.  Just got told I need to push up my classes and add two more.  My best friend moved to dallas this morning.  Got a $70 fishing ticket for trying to fish for the first time in two years.  Can't afford to pay it or buy some of the things I need for school.  On top of that, my parents are telling me I need to get a job (been telling me that for the last year) more so now.  If I overwhelm myself I'll just end up back at a hospital (oh did I mention I can't pay my dr bill or pharm bill)  MONEY sucks!!  I guess I'm just ranting but that's why we're here right.  Just a few hours ago I was watching TV (supposed to be a funny show) and alll my buddies there were laughing their asses off, I didn't find any of it funny.  It's like all the happiness and harmony I thought I had just disapeared.

OBTW I recently started welbutrin/xanax.  It seemed to work two weeks ago but now I feel nothing and I mean NOTHING.  I soonest I can see a doc is the 11th.  It's through the VA so I don't know what to expect.  Thanks, "sunken" Dire.

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Update for those who care mostly better now found out I got a FULL Pell grant for my first year of college (whew).  And for some reason that deep dark feeling didn't last as long as usual.  Must be the Welbutrin, funny the last medication I try ends up being the oldest!

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I have found the only way to have an intelligent conversation most days is to talk to myself.  Other people find it a little disconcerting, but I don't care.

Based on the number of views, people are paying attention.  I don't about anyone else, but if I don't have anything helpful to add, I try to resist the urge to blabber on endlessly about stupid crap.  So keep posting.  Just cuz we don't respond doesn't mean we don't care.

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Thanks, things are just very very stressful; starting college, moving, poss new Dr (with VA {scary or not I don't know?}) have bad rubber on my new 15 year old car, and my only positive support person is gone 24 days a month.  Plust did I mention I've a psych review with the VA tomorrow morning.  I hate mornings.

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Okay...I just read all the posts here...so bear with me a little.

Um...you went to your 10 year reunion and you were the only one THERE without a job.  You said only about 1/3 of the class was there.  Somewhere out there there are others who are unemployed.

By the fact that you are going to the VA, it becomes apparent to me that you have had a job, and not just any job, you had perhaps one of the most honourable jobs going...you were in the military.  How many of the folks at your reunion can say that?  You have served your country, take pride in that know that you have the respect of many for (including me) for having done that.

I also admire anyone who takes the chance and makes moves to improve their situation...you are heading off to college soon.  That is a big step.  I would venture that when most of your classmates were in college, you were wearing olive drab holding a rifle, so now is your chance to go to college.

Don't worry so much about being "older" than most folks at college.  I spent ten years at uni, and got better at it as I got older.  I would go back at the drop of a hat.  Hell, I have a friend who is "back at school" now...and my 20 year reunion is coming up next year. 

I am not entirely familiar with the VA (being Canadian) but my understanding is that most of the folks who work there really do give a shit about you and the other vets.  Let them know you are weirded out, and see what happens.

Take care.

Castor

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Thanks Castor

Later today I'll be going in for a full physical.  Last week the pdoc added Clonazepam and Divalproex.  Since then I've fallen down several dozen times and my g-friend says I'm not myself.  Should I give this time or what.  I've been on different "versions" of these meds and they didn't work then (even told the doc that).  I am a person that takes pride in my steadiness, quickness, and physical balance, these meds are making me more depressed and very irritated.  Damn doctors do not realize I KNOW MY BODY better than they do.  They may have a degree and treat others similar to me, however, none seem to listen and recognize I research everything to the "T".  This new pdoc is very compassionate and listens well but it feels like he treats me the same as he treats the rest (good in some regards but not mine).  I know this may sound extravagant but I am not like most people (bipolar or not) In everything I do I am always in the top 10% (no I'm not bragging) it is just that this health care system treats people as a group and not as the individuals we are.  I'm still waiting to meet a Bipolar Psychiatrist, then I believe we could get things done the right way.  Oh yeah, to all of you like me, we need to stand together and kick some PhD ass just so that they will realize that most of these meds they administer us give us side effects just as bad or worse than what we already go through.  I apologize for such a long rambling but things need to change and only we can do this.  So let us stand together and make our caregivers and healthcare system realize that they can not do their jobs without OUR help. ;)

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I'm with you, Dire.  You may not know me, but from everything I've just read on this post, I feel like you deserve to succeed in what you set out to do.

I've been in college, of and on, since I was 16.  I'm now 33.  I've had to take YEARS off at a time, have had entire semesters expunged due to mental illness, retaken things two or three times because I've gotten fucked up right at the end of classes and not shown up for the final.  I am a fucking perfectionist, of course, and been near suicidal over the shame of not passing a class-- or even worse, BARELY passing a class.  I still have one year to go for my philosophy degree (I finally settled on a major in 2000).

Despite all that, My GPA is around 3.6.  I had to let go of being perfect, and realize that just showing up is worth something.  Plus philo is a harsh major.  3.6 is pretty damn good when I consider that in all that time, I've lived with abusive/toxic parents, run away from home three times, been raped, been in mortal danger more than once, lived with crazy-ass boyfriends, had random unprotected sex, done drugs, drank, attempted suicide, fallen in love (with the right person!), gotten married, changed colleges four times, had two miscarriages . . .

Okay now, the point of all that was NOT to start a pity party.  I have no need for such, and I know you don't want it either.  The point was that yes, when I am well enough to take classes, and I sit beside all those bright-eyed rich kids who have never wanted for anything, who's parents are paying for their college, and who say things like "yeah, I don't know.  I might spend spring quarter in France.  I think that would be really enriching for me, and it would like look really good on my transcript for grad school", I just want to break something heavy over their air-filled little heads.

But, these people, as it has been said before, have not had your life.  Who Gives A Fuck About Them (it's a good mantra, try it).  This life is about you.  No one else.

Take a deep breath.  Focus on what's around you, what you want to change, what's ahead of you.  Do not expect it to be easy.  Do expect to slip up.  You're MI, for pity's sake.  Cut yourself a break.  Get your blinders on as far as other people and just plow forward.

Come here for support.  Work to find the right doctors.  Do to the disability resource center at your school.  Take advantage of any help you can get.  Hang around others having the same issues, and that are working toward the same goals. 

We're all behind you.  Bravo.

J.

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A little history on "my" Military history.  US NAVY>  Top Honorman straight out of boot camp and continued to be through 1 1/2 years of training (yes I trained alongside marines), recieved "better than average scores on "everything" until I had three months of my term left (made it to E-5 in 3 years) then had my first major mental breakdown, locked myself in my house unplugged the phone and locked the door for a week.  Obviously I "went" AWOL and my skipper did not see that that was a problem left not for her to punish me.  Everyone in my squadron was on my side except her.  She was just trying to make an example that being AWOL for a week was not tolerable.  I understand that in the military when personnel do something wrong they are punished to keep the "flock" in line.  However, prior to my breakdown I was diagnosed dysphoric, so you see the pattern now.  Nearly four years of excellent service destroyed by one week long mental breakdown.  Don't take pity on me, for if I was not Bipolar I would not have the "extravagance" to stand out and be proud to say I AM DIFFERENT! ;)

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Depakote was a bitch to get used to; it was sedating and yep, I was very klutzy on it at first, dropping stuff, stumbling, bashing myself on furniture, walking into doors, that sort of thing.  My balance was way off, too.  I've always been a real rock, even carrying a heavy pack was able to bounce my way to equilibrium whenever I slipped off a rock, that sort of thing.  It was disconcerting, but it did pass over several weeks.  I don't know anything about clonazepam, but the devalproex might be worth sticking with for a while.  It takes a while to kick in and get to the right dose.

That being said, I think these are fairly old standards for drugs.  Well tested and most pdocs have decades of experience using them, so good conservative drugs.  These days there are lots more and newer meds where those came from, so don't stress if a month or two goes by and you don't feel better.  Of course we all hate the lab-rat thing of trying other meds, but you'll be amazed how worthwhile it is when meds kick in and you start feeling better.

Lots of us here are driven perfectionists.  Some of the unpleasant parts of the driven-ness has turned out to be my BP and medically treatable.  I'm still a hard worker, brighter than most, more creative than most, more insightful than most, usually the only one here working late or in on a Sunday getting prepped for the week.  But I'm much less critical of the folks around me who used to drive me crazy.  I'm more tolerant of lazy coworkers and air-headed privileged idjits whose idea of stress is getting a scratch on the BMW daddy bought them for Christmas. 

It double-sucks that your superiors were so primitive that they couldn't take your BP into consideration even though you were almost at the end of your term.  Sure, unit discipline is critical, but did that have to tank your career?  Anyhow, I'm not military, I know there's a lot I don't get about it.  But I know a number of alcoholics who did no worse than you in terms of bailing out when they couldn't stay sober and who were forced into treatment instead of being drummed out.  How is this worse?  I guess it'll take more time before MI starts being treated with some respect.  Bitch, moan...

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Went back to doc and straight up told them no more mood stabilizers, just need something for anxiety.  So now it's Bupropion, Buspirone, and my cocktail of vitamins and minerals.  I feel much better.  We'll see in a month how these handle my anxiety.

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