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Strange events lead to questioning my sanity


Guest Creamy

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I was diagnosed depressed when I was around 16, prescribed Prozac but never took it. Instead I self medicated with pot and ended up in rehab. 6 months later I started using again but with 3-4 day coke binges, drinking myself close to hospitalization. Pretty much doing every self destructive behavior I could to cope with life.

Anyway, I'm clean now, about 20 months with no desire to start doing that shit again (thank god).

But I guess I'll get to it now. When I first got clean in the beginning of 2007 I experienced depression, probably due to coming off the drugs. For about 12-14 months I was great. Felt on top of the world. Just overall good mood. Very outgoing and loved to go have fun with friends. Pretty much normal.

Now, I've been in a moderate-severe depression for about 3 months straight. Dropped out of college because of it. About a week ago, I was writing in a notebook where I keep random little thoughts for song writing. Out of nowhere I burst into this incredible anger. I'd rate it a 9 out of 10. I wanted to tear my room apart and start screaming. Smash up my guitars and recording equipment, throw chairs through walls. I managed to just sit still and clench all my muscles up. That was very short. A couple minutes maybe. THEN I burst into uncontrollable crying. My brain was flying so fast at this point it just made it worse. The crying lasted 5 minutes. I sat up, didn't feel sad.

I was up. I was awake, alert. Thoughts were flying through my head, but didn't really lead anywhere. If I was able to follow one for a substantial amount of time I usually ended up discovering I wasn't thinking about the original thought in the first place. There was this feeling...like, if I didn't talk to somebody and tell them everything that was on my mind, I'd just get even more spun out. If anybody has ever done massive amounts of cocaine or ecstasy, it's that sort of "most talk" feeling from the gut. I forced myself to sleep at around 6:30 am. I think. I got in bed at 6 and laid there for a long time.

I woke up at 10 that morning, my eyes a little heavy feeling, but other than that felt great, just like before I slept. That whole day I went through feeling 'on the edge of my seat'. Since that night this whole week, I wake up feeling a little crappy. Thinking, "Fuck, another day that's going to take soooo long." By 9-10pm I'm flying. Brain starts racing and I become convinced I'm going to be a fairly popular musician and get on those late night talk shows, like Letterman. This girl I've been talking to for a while, whenever I talk with her at night I'm overcome with strong sexual desires. STRONG. And usually that's very low on my priority list.

My mom has had mood swings like this before and is now on Paxil and Lamictal. I remember years ago, she'd be fine for days, sometimes not really doing much. Then one day comes and she's out of her room acting normal and the littlest thing would set her off. Shit would start flying around the house and the screaming wouldn't stop for at least an hour. Then she'd usually get in her car and speed off to a friend's house or something. She informed me her dad would have incredible mood swings as well.

What in the hell is going on. ;)

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It's hard to tell without having a full history and being a medical professional!

It could be a mental health problem leftover from drug use, it could be just that you're particularly stressed, it could be a tendency inherited from your mother. I think the best thing to do is to see a medical professional and be totally honest about what is going on.

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And the residual effects of the drugs...it's been 20 months. It would seem very odd if crap started happening to me now and not sooner.

If everything made sense, no one would be crazy.

One of the effects of long-term drug use (in this case both psychiatric meds and illicit mood-altering drugs) is that the nervous system will reallocate its neuroreceptors to compensate back to what the body thinks is "normal." That's a large part of the reason for some meds taking a couple of months for solid improvement and for side effects to dissipate. So, you could be just now compensating back to your brain's screwed-up idea of normal.

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And the residual effects of the drugs...it's been 20 months. It would seem very odd if crap started happening to me now and not sooner.

Whoa whoa whoa-

Ex-meth head speaking here... clean for six years this past may... I say methhead, cause it was the junk I was addicted to, but I did pretty much everything, really, so while I'm not particularly proud of my drug history, I do have a useful amount of relevant experience...

Number one- bipolar is "progressive". For example: my teenage years were depressive. I turned to drugs and self-injury to take care of that... But, when I got to college, got off the drugs, got my shit together and started experiencing "normal" stressors- like deadlines and cleaning and bills and homework- I had my first MAJOR breakdown... major. I experienced my first real, true manic explosion... the first big one happened about 6 months after I officially quit using. Then things started to snowball. Apparently this thing kicks into high gear for a lot of people in their early twenties... it seemed like, while I was a teenager my moods were like a rollercoaster, but when I hit my twenties, the rollercoaster changed into the stock market and the spikes are so much harder to handle than the waves... does that make sense?

Anyways, after my first crazy breakdown, things slowly started to deteriorate over the next 2 or 3 years... that's a progressive disease for ya. Like with Alzheimer's, things aren't necessarily gonna happen earlier rather than later. NOT saying this to depress you or scare you, just to give you some context...

Two- like buddy was saying, the brain does "re-wire" itself when you introduce a drug to it. As you sound like you've done ecstasy before, you may be familiar with being "e-tarded" the day after dropping, or you can remember that week of black despair you went through after the first time you tried E. Yeah, that's your brain pumping out craploads of extra serotonin to try and make up for the drought it just experienced... that alone will affect you for years to come.

In fact, I think it's safer to say that with drugs, the worst damage will take years to show itself. And it blows extra goats when you're trying to sort out your MI, cause you pretty much have to cross reference everything you feel today with what you felt before you ever took drugs, and that's not necessarily an accurate picture...

My mom has had mood swings like this before and is now on Paxil and Lamictal. I remember years ago, she'd be fine for days, sometimes not really doing much. Then one day comes and she's out of her room acting normal and the littlest thing would set her off. Shit would start flying around the house and the screaming wouldn't stop for at least an hour. Then she'd usually get in her car and speed off to a friend's house or something. She informed me her dad would have incredible mood swings as well.

Oh dude, my mom was the exact same... my dad was way more depressed, and hid it much better, but my mom was a RAGER. And completely irrational and illogical at times. Her thing was slamming doors and chairs around, and taking her vitriol out on me and my dad for never being good enough... I love her very much, and now, 15+ years later, it seems she's pretty much figured it out and she doesn't behave like that at all anymore... well, I guess its still there, but its VERY subtle...

Sorry for the long post but us ex-druggies have so little information to go on, I just want to share everything I've got.....

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