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Ugh. This sucks. Just plain sucks. I hate this. I am so miserable. And by tomorrow I may be feeling different yet again (until it happens again) and be so embarrassed for venting. But I am just such a mess right now. A few good days, now black depression again. And emotions are just so revved. I just peeked at my daughter sleeping and it drove me over the edge. Just a flood of terrible thoughts and fears, what if something happened to my kids, etc. And that is so not me. And just bloody depressed. No pleasure anywhere in anything. Can't I have a break from this for even like half an hour? WHY doesn't this come with a "get out of jail free" card? I know, I know, it will take time for Lamictal to work, I "should" feel hopeful because I've seen some signs of improvement already, there are always setbacks. But that still doesn't change that I can't stop crying now.

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Fuschi, no AD to go along with lamictal? I'm so sorry you're in a bad way. I so know where you are, although right now, I just started lamictal and it seems to have triggered mania for me. Keep posting and working it out if you can.

Gracie.

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Hi Fuscia,

I am sorry things are so rough. I am having a shitty day, so I am with you on feeling crappy. Don't be embarrassed to post, you need us when you need us, if everyone shut up until it got better, no one would ever get better.

Can you think of something to do that is fairly familiar to you, that makes you feel a little bit good most of the time? Maybe a hobby, maybe cleaning (some of us feel better when we clean, lol, weird ones) maybe playing with one of your children, maybe a favourite movie or piece of music you could put on? Or could you fix yourself a nice (non alcoholic) drink, or get a cuddly blanket to hug into, or have a shower (moving water contains ions that improve mood) or something? Often when we feel bad what we need is to have space from it to see it in perspective. I know you have perspective, you mentioned the Lamictal takes time. But sometimes we need to do something nice for ourselves to soothe us a bit, you know?

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I want to echo Karuna's encouragement to keep posting whenever you need to. That's what CB is for.

I understand the never-ending cycle of emotions that go with BP. Sometimes you don't get time to rest b/t mania and depression. Or, worse, you have them both at the same time. The tearyness, fear, and lack of pleasure are all your BP knocking you in the head. I'm often comforted by telling myself, "These are symptoms of my illness. This is not how I really am. I will feel better soon."

And, like karuna, I suggest distraction, distraction, distraction. Whether it be cleaning house, exercising, getting out of the house, participating in hobbies...anything that keeps you moving.

I hope you find some peace soon.

Peace,

Phoenix

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i agree, i'm wondering if an AD would help you along with the lamictal...have you tried lexapro? i think you said you've tried zoloft. i know you are worried about ssri's with the lamictal but it actually is very common to put them together with lamictal. so far for me i have not gotten depressed in DAYS...which, for ME, is so different. i usually am depressed every day at SOME time in the day... i think the lamictal is also triggering hypomania in me (the good kind...the kind we love to have...). i pray i don't go down again...i am so sorry you are. have you pulled out yet? (i didn't know you have a dd...how old is she...i know you have 21 mos twin boys...) i'm thinking if you have younger than 21 mos you are going thru some major PP depression and maybe a tad of PP psychosis...? i had it when dd was an infant as well as with my son...but i have always suffered from rapid cycling BP. oh fucschia i hope you feel relief soon. i am so sorry you are down. vent as you need, mama. that is what we are here for...sounds also like maybe you could use something for anxiety...talk to your pDOC, maybe about something for the depression and anxiety...lexapro is a possibility.

Fuschi, no AD to go along with lamictal? I'm so sorry you're in a bad way. I so know where you are, although right now, I just started lamictal and it seems to have triggered mania for me. Keep posting and working it out if you can.

Gracie.

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Thank you so much for the support. I really need it right now. Still feeling awful. Couldn't fall asleep until late last night, & was up too early, only slept 5 hrs. The depression is still there, and LOUD, and this horrible fear. Not even fear about anything, just feel like I'm stuck in fight-or-flight mode. I keep hearing the end of Blade Runner - "Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave..." There's no way out.

Your advice about trying to keep busy and find soothing things is good. Busy I can do - I'm on my own with the twins today, and two 22-mo-olds are a formidable distraction! And they can make me laugh and smile even when nothing else can. And I keep finding that the less free time I have, the better off I am - you'd think I'd be a total wreck chasing two toddlers on top of all this, but at least it keeps me busy.

But when I try to think of things to do to feel better, it just makes me panic and cry. Because nothing feels better. I'm terrified of having free time once the kids go to bed, because then I'll have to choose something to do, and there will be no pleasure in it at all... (And this is so not me, there are usually a million things I want to do once I have a minute to myself.) And just this enormous suffering. I swear, if I could just get a break from it for 15 minutes, I'd be able to keep going... But there's no stepping out of your head.

Shit. I'd been doing better. I had a handful of days that were normal, or pretty close. (Normal? What's that? Can I even remember?) And then this crashes down again.

Oh, about ADs - I know a lot of people take them along with mood stabilizers, but my pdoc doesn't want to go that route, and I'm inclined to agree. (I know there's a lot of controversy, but she says and I've read that they can make bp worse. I think that happened when I was on Zoloft.)

And even knowing that sooner or later I'll cycle out of this makes me feel terrible right now, because I'll feel sort of normal and this will all seem like a dream, and I'll think I'm fine and it never happened - or I'll dread it happening again, and won't even be able to trust feeling good, because the trapdoor can open under you at any moment.

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Once again, I log on, and someone is just where I am in this lunatic's amusement park. Been pretty OK for a while--litle depression at C'mas,but figured that was the holiday, and my stupid husband.

Then, today, out of nowhere, I am just so competely wiped out with the deepest, darkest depression--I have done nothing all day but lie on the couch and cry. Thinking all the terrible thoughts about myself--how worthless I am, how I have ruined/wasted mylife, all the chances I blew, all the people I hurt, etc. etc.

I can think of nothing to do--it all takes too much energy. I go back to my "wonderful" 3 hour a day holiday job in the AM, which depresses me more, because I know I am ruining all the hard work done to fix my back by the stuff I am doing. But we have to havew that extra money--

Nothing to read, nothing I have the energy to do--

I take my AD faithfully, as well as my mood stabalizer (which I run low on all the time, because if I can't sleep, I take an extra one--) and even my Clonopin--it used to make the crying stop, almost immediately. Now, just makes it a little better.

There is no real reason for any of this--just like there will be no real reason when I wake up--in a day or two or 3--and feel fine, all day, full of energy and accomplish a whole bunch of things, like I did yesterday (and still watched a wole day of "House" my totaly favorite TV show) Thats the worst part--no reason, no meaning, just "oops a bad day"

I thought I had all this under control--that I could handle a bad day, cause I understood what was hapening with my stupid brain. Today, it makes no difference at all--its just black all inside me, and pain, and regret, and misssing people, and shame, and self-loathing, and I want it to stop.

fushcia, I'm here with you, for all the comfort that might be--china

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Hi, I've never looked at a board like this before today but I'm glad I did, it is nice to know that other people feel the same way. I also just started taking the Lamictal starter pack. It's been about a month and so far is has been going well I think, I still have down days but in general i think it is helping. i also started Trazodone to sleep in the evenings. Fuchsia, how many Mgs are you taking? I am still only taking 50mgs but have seen others saying that they are taking 200mgs. My dr. makes it very clear that it is important to find the correct dosage (of course) and makes me chart my mood everyday.

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susan as far as the psychosis i mentioned, it is a very common thing in PP (post partum)...and since she mentioned she was having this extreme fear i can relate because that happened to me...i was delusional/hallucinating things that weren't the way i was imagining them to be...so yeah, i am seeing some PPP in her. but maybe its too late to have PP-anything since the babies are now almost 2... hmmm.

another thing that was a red flag for me re. you, fucshia, is that you mention not having these BP symptoms before in life. that is again, another reason i'm led to believe this is PPD-related. but i could be way off. i'm just trying to help with what i have had experience with and/or know about. i'm no expert.

are SSRI's really not good to be on if truly BP??? i don't know. some believe its ok and one needs one along w/ mood stabilizers and others are totally against them. i know your dr. is, the latter right, fucshia? i know you have mentioned being scared to even go there w/ an SSRI.

i also have been thinking about you today and i realized that we are still on such a low dose of the lamictal that maybe its all still working itself out in our brains...i have been a bit tired today but that is probably sleep deprivation from my son...i at least DID sweep and vacuum the kitchen and living room areas which is a big deal for me.

as for the loving the hypomania thing...yeah, i do fear burning out and going down but for ME, i think this is what normal people must experience when they have stable energy, stable moods...it isn't a way up there sort of thing...it just 'isn't fatigue i struggled with from the weight of depression. so maybe it isn't hypomania i'm experiencing...maybe it is just...having energy! actually LIVING...

hang in there my friend. one and a half or so weeks and we are going up to 100 mg. (or are you only going to 75mg next uppage?) it seems to be going ok for us both...i have high hopes for you. hugs.

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Oh, Chinacat, I'm so sorry you're in this too. It's no fair.

About the postpartum issue - severe PPD hit like a ton of bricks 2 wks after I had the babies. (But no psychosis.) Got better on Zoloft & therapy, had the extreme good luck to fall into a great day hospital program. Had a bp episode about 9 months later, but hadn't been diagnosed bp at that point, and it went unrecognized. Stayed on Zoloft. This episode started this September, & I was only dxed bp in October, tapered off Zoloft maybe end of October.

I'm pretty sure I've had bp since high school. Didn't know it at the time, though, only recognized the depression part. The way it manifests has changed a bit over the years, but SO many things suddenly make sense now with the bp dx. But I never had these episodes of awful awful awful ultra-rapid cycling before going on Zoloft.

It really sounds like you have a lot of anxiety/static in your head along with the depression. Have you brought this up with your pdoc? I know for me it's that noise in my head that's worse than the depression itself sometimes. There may be some alternatives for you in this area to at least shut your head up a little so you can get to a space where you can relax a little bit.

Wow, Susan, you are a great second pair of eyes! That hadn't occurred to me - when it's just part of what everything feels like, how do you even notice it? But yeah, you're right. Lately when I get depressed, it's not only the depression, it's the DREAD. Getting hopelessly caught up thinking about what's going to happen in a couple hours, in a couple more hours, tomorrow...

I do have Ativan, and it sometimes helps tone this down a little. But like you said, it's not perfect. I will definitely bring this up with my pdoc next week. I've thought about seeking cognitive-behavioral therapy (it worked well for me when I had PPD) to try to train myself out of this kind of thing. I also keep thinking about getting back to zen meditation (be here, now). But gee, would you believe I'm having a bit of trouble with motivation???? Anyway, any other ideas about how to deal with this? What sort of things have worked for you?

And you got me thinking about another thing. Where does the free-floating fear/anxiety fit into bp? (Like I said, I've had a lot of experience with bp, but practically none RECOGNIZING it as bp.) I mean, do "they" usually think of it as part and parcel of bp (whether bundled with the depression, or (hypo)mania, or both), or as something separate along for the ride? Does it usually get better as mood stabilizers kick in?

i think the lamictal is also triggering hypomania in me

Hm, just comparing notes... I think I've had more hypomanic days/parts of days (sigh, that rapid cycling) since starting Lamictal, but my theory about that is that as the Lamictal cleans up the depression (which it has been, sometimes), the hypomania is more noticeable. Especially because I get in mixed states now and then - subtract (or tone down) the depression and what do you get? For me, it hasn't felt like a huge surge of hypomania or anything, so I don't think Lamictal is triggering it, just making it more visible, if that makes any sense. But I agree with Susan, if you're feeling a lot more hypomanic, it's probably a good idea to talk to your pdoc about it.

I also just started taking the Lamictal starter pack. It's been about a month and so far is has been going well I think, I still have down days but in general i think it is helping. i also started Trazodone to sleep in the evenings. Fuchsia, how many Mgs are you taking?

I'm almost at the end of the 4th week, so just another day of 50 mg. Then I'm going up to 75 mg (not 100 mg as in the starter pack, lots of reasons) for 1-2 wks (not sure yet) before going up to 100. It's a long, slow trek, that's for sure.

Feeling a little calmer now, though also feel like it's because a door has slammed shut, like I'm just refusing to think about/notice/care what's going on. Numb. Unhealthy, should be working through it? Healthy protective mechanism, shut-off valve? None of the above? Gah, I don't know. One foot in front of the other.

Anyway. Thank you, thank you, thank you again. This support means so much to me. (People I'm close to IRL are supportive too, but it's different, they haven't been there, no matter how hard they try to understand, they still don't get it.)

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And you got me thinking about another thing. Where does the free-floating fear/anxiety fit into bp? (Like I said, I've had a lot of experience with bp, but practically none RECOGNIZING it as bp.) I mean, do "they" usually think of it as part and parcel of bp (whether bundled with the depression, or (hypo)mania, or both), or as something separate along for the ride? Does it usually get better as mood stabilizers kick in?

My psych told me that anxiety issues are actually a very, very common aspect of bipolar, and joked that he'd almost like to see it called tripolar, to recognise that anxiety can have as big an impact as mania or depression.

when my epilim doses were upped, it helped my anxiety, but the only thing that's ever really knocked it on the head was an antipsychotic or something from the benzo family.

I hope you get some relief soon. I know it's hard to believe when the brain-worms are having a wriggle, but this, too, shall pass.

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Once again, I log on, and someone is just where I am in this lunatic's amusement park. Been pretty OK for a while--litle depression at C'mas,but figured that was the holiday, and my stupid husband.

Then, today, out of nowhere, I am just so competely wiped out with the deepest, darkest depression--I have done nothing all day but lie on the couch and cry. Thinking all the terrible thoughts about myself--how worthless I am, how I have ruined/wasted mylife, all the chances I blew, all the people I hurt, etc. etc.

I can think of nothing to do--it all takes too much energy. I go back to my "wonderful" 3 hour a day holiday job in the AM, which depresses me more, because I know I am ruining all the hard work done to fix my back by the stuff I am doing. But we have to havew that extra money--

Nothing to read, nothing I have the energy to do--

I take my AD faithfully, as well as my mood stabalizer (which I run low on all the time, because if I can't sleep, I take an extra one--) and even my Clonopin--it used to make the crying stop, almost immediately. Now, just makes it a little better.

There is no real reason for any of this--just like there will be no real reason when I wake up--in a day or two or 3--and feel fine, all day, full of energy and accomplish a whole bunch of things, like I did yesterday (and still watched a wole day of "House" my totaly favorite TV show) Thats the worst part--no reason, no meaning, just "oops a bad day"

I thought I had all this under control--that I could handle a bad day, cause I understood what was hapening with my stupid brain. Today, it makes no difference at all--its just black all inside me, and pain, and regret, and misssing people, and shame, and self-loathing, and I want it to stop.

fushcia, I'm here with you, for all the comfort that might be--china

Make it a threesome.

I'm frustrated to tears. Wanna scream "Fine! I will take the fecking meds but I might as well crawl into a box and stay there because I'm shit on Lamictal but at least I'm stable." (Fibro fog is so thick I can't even tell if "stable" requires an "i" in it) ARGH!

Having a bit of a pissy day...week...month... year.

Sorry.

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I just wanted to thank you all again so much for your support. I swung into a couple days of hypomania, and today is actually normal so far (not that it means anything, not going to last, but hey, I'll take what I can get). Anyway, your kind words really helped me pull through. You guys rock.

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