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Hi,

I have BP and am on lithium, Lamictal and Olanz. I haven't posted on here for a while as things seemed to be better... I was taking the right meds, feeling positive about my goals for next year and was content in my daily life, feeling up but not hyper-up. My lows only lasted a day and my coping strategies were working. I finally seemed to have the upper hand on my emotions... for the first time in ten years I was feeling like a "normal" well-balanced person.

Then suddenly around Xmas I fell into a low that I haven't been able to shake... I'm teary and PMS despite taking primrose oil and codliver oil supplements (said to help with PMS and depression, respectively). I miss my mum who I've lived with my whole life before she moved in October. I don't feel like seeing friends and am feeling down about the weight gain which comes with taking Olanz. I'm increasingly anxious and worried my fear of people will flare up again.

I would describe my feelings as extremely dispondent and mildly depressed. I have felt this way before, however, I have never been suicidal. Then yesterday I felt so bad and happened to glance at my scissors. I had the sudden urge to cut myself with them just so I could feel some pain and somehow let out these undirected emotions.

I don't know where this came from but it is very scary and I was wondering if anyone or anything could help me? I was in a minor car accident the day before it happened and think this might have triggered some of these emotions but I just don't know. I can't see my psychologist until the 20th of Jan. When is too soon or too late to call the crisis line? I feel stupid calling for just one or two thoughts but am worried they will get worse.

worried, scared, alone

sarah

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I'm sorry you have hit a bit of a low spot. The accident could definitely have triggered something, even a minor accident can be very scary.

I think you are far better off being too early in calling that too late. If you are worried, then please do call them. They are there for people in distress, not just those who reach some magic level of being 'suicidal enough'.

If you aren't ready to call, I sometimes find it helpful to keep in mind the 'official' suicide assessment questions (off the top of my head) and ask myself them.

Do you have a plan?

Is the plan lethal?

Do you have access to everything you need to carry it out?

What reasons do you have to live?

Do you have a time set of when you will carry out the plan?

If you have a plan, means and intent then call a hotline now.

Remember that if you have felt better before, you can feel better again. Let us know how you are going.

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Sarah,

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Xmas is a stressful time, you are without your mum (I live with my mum and am close to her so I get how you feel) you have had a change in terms of feeling stable and you also had an incident with the car. That does soun d incredibly stressful. I think now is the perfect time to call the crisis line and just talk it out with someone.

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Thank you for the quick replies, it's good to have that feedback when there's no one physically around or available... If I feel this depressed tomorrow I probably will give the crisis team a call, I tend to try to manage my depression alone and even deny it exists so it's hard to pick up the phone and ask for help. I'll sleep over it and see how I feel tomorrow. I'll let you know how I go ;))

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If I feel this depressed tomorrow I probably will give the crisis team a call, I tend to try to manage my depression alone and even deny it exists so it's hard to pick up the phone and ask for help. I'll sleep over it and see how I feel tomorrow. I'll let you know how I go ;) )
Just keep in mind that depression, like a lot of illnesses, responds best to early intervention. It's not written that we have to be standing right at the edge of the cliffs of despair before we call for help.

Good to see you posting again, sorry for the sucky reason.

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agreed, agreed. I called the crisis line once, worried that I wasn't "bad" enough to take up their time. They stated very strongly that they're there for anyone in distress, and you most definitely don't have to be at the edge of suicide to warrant their support.

even, if you don't know what to say, you read out your post here to them it'll get the conversation started and I'm sure it would help.

I'm a couple of days late with this reply. How are you doing?

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Hi to the people who replied! I'm feeling much better now, although I feel like I'm trying to balance a scale and hoping it won't tip too far one way... I kind of realise that this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life. Thanks for being on hand when I needed some feedback!

xSarah

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Hi to the people who replied! I'm feeling much better now, although I feel like I'm trying to balance a scale and hoping it won't tip too far one way... I kind of realise that this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life.
Sarah,

You are a very young woman, I would not even consider the prospect of *this* being the way it's going to be for the rest of your life. That is the kind of thinking we typically, well me anyway, do in a depression. So, you're not suicidal anymore and that is fantastic, but you might still be depressed enough to be having thought distortions like this.

You are so young, so many new and innovative therapies are coming down the pike for those who live with Mental Illness. Of this I'm convinced. Maybe not this year or next, but you will see it, and benefit from it.

Stay strong,

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  • 1 month later...

Hi to the people who replied! I'm feeling much better now, although I feel like I'm trying to balance a scale and hoping it won't tip too far one way... I kind of realise that this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life.
Sarah,

You are a very young woman, I would not even consider the prospect of *this* being the way it's going to be for the rest of your life. That is the kind of thinking we typically, well me anyway, do in a depression. So, you're not suicidal anymore and that is fantastic, but you might still be depressed enough to be having thought distortions like this.

You are so young, so many new and innovative therapies are coming down the pike for those who live with Mental Illness. Of this I'm convinced. Maybe not this year or next, but you will see it, and benefit from it.

Stay strong,

Hey S9, Just wanted to say thanks for your support, I do appreciate the replies on this forum, something to give me encouragement. I'm still struggling with the s/ thoughts and getting my pdoc to actually listen to me about changes in meds to deal with this but luckily my family is starting to kick in to support me seeing that I *can't* do it all on my own. I would like to think there is hope for the future, science is progressing at such a fast rate.... ;)) Sarah

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Hi to the people who replied! I'm feeling much better now, although I feel like I'm trying to balance a scale and hoping it won't tip too far one way... I kind of realise that this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life.
Sarah,

You are a very young woman, I would not even consider the prospect of *this* being the way it's going to be for the rest of your life. That is the kind of thinking we typically, well me anyway, do in a depression. So, you're not suicidal anymore and that is fantastic, but you might still be depressed enough to be having thought distortions like this.

You are so young, so many new and innovative therapies are coming down the pike for those who live with Mental Illness. Of this I'm convinced. Maybe not this year or next, but you will see it, and benefit from it.

Stay strong,

Hey S9, Just wanted to say thanks for your support, I do appreciate the replies on this forum, something to give me encouragement. I'm still struggling with the s/ thoughts and getting my pdoc to actually listen to me about changes in meds to deal with this but luckily my family is starting to kick in to support me seeing that I *can't* do it all on my own. I would like to think there is hope for the future, science is progressing at such a fast rate.... ;) ) Sarah

I'm glad you're family is starting to get it. Once I had a pdoc who wasn't listening and I blurted out, "if I fucking kill myself, my blood is on your hands!" A bit dramatic, yes, but he changed my meds. I don't recommend the profane, dramatic approach, but sometimes we're to docile during the visit and they aren't seeing the message they need to *hear*.

Yes, science and everything else is progressing at a rate that is mind boggling. By the time you're an old woman, well, I can't even begin to envision what this world will be like. Hopefully all this knowledge will be used for the greater good.

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