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oh great I ruin another person day

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Yesterday I posted about being bored and knowing it triggers my depression.

Well guess what?

I'm down and major depressed...AGAIN.

I tried to avoid talking to my mom knowing she would asked me what was wrong (never can hide feelings from her) and I broke down in one of those barely coherent crying rage. It wasn't I was mad at her but she happen to call me when I was just about to fall apart. I shouldn't have pick up the phone.

Christmas was stressful. My sister winds up in the ER Christmas day. I spent all my money buying my family gifts. Went out with old friends from high school. So now I'm broke and have bills that was due last week. I'm suppose to be getting my loan money but for some reason the school still hasn't released it. I hate the holidays. They just screw everything up.

So now I feel guilty and hate myself even more. I made her worry and hurt her feelings. I know I make her feel like crap. I wish I could keep my big fat mouth shut.

So then just about 15 minutes ago my dad (the one who has bp or act like it sometimes) calls and gets on to me. He telling me I need to pull myself together and find something to make myself happy.

Gee dad I never thought about doing that before because I FUCKING LOVE FEELING THIS WAY ALL THE TIME!

So now I'm off the phone with him and his lecturing. I wish I could simply disappear.

Yes I know I need to go make friends. Yes I need to get out and do more things. YES I KNOW I NEED TO FIND A BOYFRIEND!!!!!

I'm just so sick of my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been to therapy. On meds. I exercise. Sleep. Pray. WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO????

I feel useless and stupid. All I've ever done is make things worse for people. I seem to fail at everything. I keep trying to pick myself up but apparently life thinks I'm a football to be kicked around.

going to walk around walmart now.

Happy New Year. Another lonely night alone.

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Honey everybody is responsible for their own feelings. Your mom probably is worried- mine is too, and I hate the feeling. But she's a mum, its what they deal with. My guess is it's ok that she worries, because she loves you and its her job to worry.

Your dad, however, is doing a crappy job. I'm so sorry. Sometimes if people don't deal with their own stuff it hurts other people too. You sound like you are doing everything you possible can right now. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so glad you are taking your meds, and even exercising. So many people (including me!) suck at that. This is a hard time, but things will get better. You could try therapy again, I only suggest because it might be good to have somebody you can break down in front of without worrying about it. When you get better, then you will find it easier to make friends and do stuff like that.

Oh, and totally screw boys for now. Sheesh they can make anybody crazy! ;)

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Oh, and totally screw boys for now.

That's illegal in some parts of the world.


Best to give everything and maybe everyone some time, as there's only so much you can do on any given day. If that's not good enough progress for others? Well, they can learn to wait for a better day too.

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definitely forgot the guys for right now but my dad has the notion that if I get a boyfriend everything would be A-OK. Yeah right.

Although it would be nice to have someone to talk to when I am down. All in good time though ;)

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Auburn this sounds like a friend of mine years ago who told me that I wasn't an alcoholic and I wouldn't be depressed if I just got laid.

And she was a very smart woman. ;) Good grief.


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