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so i was stupid about the new year. i didn't take my zoloft for like five days so i could drink on new years eve. and then on new years eve i drank quite a bit. and this was really stupid. i learned earlier this year (but seem to have forgotten) that yes, i can skip my meds so that i don't black out when i drink, but then the depressant quality of the alcohol makes me go major depressive. i'm such an idiot.

i was more healthy in 2008 than i have been in years. things have been going pretty well. i even learned how to head off my suicidality. i learned this year when i started obsessing about killing myself that now that i knew why i was doing it i could head it off and stop the spiral before it started. but now, i can't stop it. i've spent the last 48 hours unable to stop thinking about killing myself. i know enough to know i don't really want to die. that this is my depression talking. but i must say that right now my depression is very convincing. i just want to die. i have lost all hope. i do not believe that i am ever going to find someone to love me. this is my major trigger and some stupid dating thing has thrown me over the edge. my rational mind is luckily still working, so i know i just have to wait this out. i know that in a few more days my meds will kick back up and i'll get busy at work and most likely this will all pass. but the thoughts are telling me that my life is never going to change, that i am always going to be alone. that no one is ever going to love me. and i'm ruminating over these thoughts over and over again. and i just want to die. i can't believe that things will ever change. whether or not it's the depression my mind now believes, like i know deep down, that i will always be alone. and that's not ok. it makes me hate everyone who is in a relationship, even the people i love most in the world and it makes me think that putting a bullet through my head would be the best thing for me (don't worry, i don't own a gun).

because i know i'm not actually going to do anything i haven't called my therapist. i already did one phone call to her this past week (on a different issue) and i don't want to become too dependent on her. it's just so frustrating because i know what everyone will say. i know what my mother will say to me, my best friends, and i can tell myself these things, but they don't change how i'm feeling right now.

and i know that this is just a symptom. i know i'm not gonna kill myself, or even hurt myself. but it just makes me angry and sad and desperate feeling to constantly be thinking that i have no hope and yet i'm not going to do anything about it.

ok, ugh, i'm afraid that i just sound like a whiner. not really sure why i'm writing this, but i just needed to tell someone how bad it is right now.

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also, and I totally roll my eyes when they say this, stopping and then restarting your meds can cause them to become less effective. Both my pdocs and my aprn told me this. I am famous for not being med compliant.

Just something to think about.

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I'm glad you're not planning to hurt yourself. Resisting suicidal feelings takes a lot of strength, especially when they're as frequent/powerful as the ones you're describing. It's not whiny to want to talk about them - anything that helps keep you safe is a good idea.

As I'm sure you know, it's possible that you're having a reaction to stopping your AD. You said you'd been feeling pretty good before stopping, and I can see why it was tempting to take some time off. I'm asthmatic, and this summer I had a few months where I had no shortness of breath, so I decided I was sick of being medicated all the time and cold turkey d/c'd all 5-ish of the meds I was on at the time without talking to my MD ;) . Predictably, after a few weeks, i had a horrible flare-up and it took me months to get it back down. I definitely understand wanting to take a few days off, especially since you wanted to drink for New Year's. Just wanted to say that to let you know that you're not alone with that, and that I'm not judging/blaming you. Still, as everyone else has said (and I learned the hard way :)) it's not a good idea to fuck with your meds. Perhaps once they kick back in you'll feel better.

Maybe you can call a crisis hotline and talk to them. You don't necessarily have to be on the ledge to call one of those hotlines - I've called similar numbers before, and it can be good if you just want to talk about your feelings to people who are trained not to judge you or say stupid shit :) Here is a good place to vent, but sometimes hearing someone's voice can be a big help.

Anyway, I hope you start to feel better soon - you'll feel better again eventually, I promise ^_^

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/Highjack/

susan do you really mean consistent abusive use of alcohol does NOT precipitate depression? If so, I beg to differ. I'm an alcoholic so I know whereof I speak from personal experience.

/END Highjack/

Boy, I understand that despair and total lack of hope and not being able to make it stop via suicide. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad but you are indeed a stupid shit (stupid shit is a term of endearment...I mean no disrespect whatsoever). ;)

Gracie

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You made a mistake by stopping zoloft. That doesn't mean you can't seek support from your tdoc. This isn't the first, or nearly the last, time that your tdoc will deal with someone who has gone off their meds temporarily.

You're right. Waiting it out is probably the way you're going to feel better. Keep telling yourself this. Every time you think about suicide, follow that will, "I'm that much closer to feeling better."

Peace,

Phoenix

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Thanks Susan. I have a hard time knowing alcohol abuse can cause depression and not thinking it must have some effect on depressive tendencies in smaller doses. Although, now that you mention it, it feels wonderful in the first few weeks/months of an alcoholic siege and only after that does if put me flat on my back with thoughts of death.

Anyway, thanks again for your reply.

Gracie.

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Your post wasn't whiny at all. In fact, it showed a lot of strength. To be able to feel that desperate pull of suicide and know that you will wait it out and that you will get past it is actually a pretty hopeful message. It just hurts too much to see it at the moment. I hope you're feeling a little better today.

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so i forgot to "subscribe" to my original posting so while i was waiting for emails to see if anyone was responding i missed all of your nice replies.

i know that it was stopping the zoloft that was the really stupid thing, but i'm sure the alcohol didn't help. i'm very med compliant, but every few months i decide i want to be young and normal and just drink like my friends and because i don't want to blackout and end up in the hospital i stop my meds for a few days. this time has proven to me that it's not worth it, but still, i hate that i can't just hang out and drink a beer like i used to.

it's been three days of this mess and it's really getting on my nerves. i hate myself and i hate my illness and i hate everyone else for having it easy (i know that everyone else doesn't have it easy, but it really looks like that to me when i'm down here in the pit). and i hate how alone i am and how it feels like it's never going to end. i hate my body and i hate my face and i hate my friends and my family. and as i type all of that i know it's not true. i love my life and my friends and my family and intellectually i know i have it good. but right now the depression is winning and making me a very hateful person.

i read the post that is up now about really being suicidal and intrusive thoughts and i keep trying to determine where i am. is the repeated thought "i want to die" an intrusive thought or because i want it right now, or at least a major part of me wants it right now, does that mean i'm suicidal. can you being suicidal while knowing that you won't do it? i have had a friend kill herself and i know what it does to people and i could never do that to my family. that is what i know deepest down. but right now even that kind of pisses me off.

i feel a little bit like i have two people inside me. i'm not sick enough right now to actually consider myself in a depression. my mind is still here, unlike when i'm actually depressed. i still can remember the healthy perspective on my life, which when i'm in a major depression i can't. but the actual feelings and thoughts coursing through me are so awful. right now the depressed me is the one that is present. right now the voice in the back of my head is the healthy me. i wish it would switch back.

today at least i have things to do to get me out of my house.

thanks for all of your replies. and for just being this community online. it's a huge comfort.

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can you being suicidal while knowing that you won't do it? i have had a friend kill herself and i know what it does to people and i could never do that to my family. that is what i know deepest down. but right now even that kind of pisses me off.

i'm not sick enough right now to actually consider myself in a depression. my mind is still here, unlike when i'm actually depressed. i still can remember the healthy perspective on my life, which when i'm in a major depression i can't.
If you start losing the latter, then the former becomes more of a threat, IMO, and based on my experience. For me, having suicidal thoughts and BEING suicidal are two different things. Both very scary and worthy of notice and the question of wtf? but you know why the fuck, so you probably will start to feel better within a few days. If you DONT call your pdoc. Fess up too. They need to know why you are feeling like shit.

Each time I see your username I think of Jane's Addiction...;)

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S9 and the others have written wise things. I've nothing of real use to add except that sorry things are sucking and thanks for checking back in with us. BTW, I always forget to subscribe to my topics too! I blame the meds! (really though, I just have a suck-ass memory!) I still blame the meds! ;>

FWIW, I've had suicidal ideation(s) but known that I wouldn't go through with it. I've also had suicidal ideation(s) where the line became blurred and I wasn't sure if I was going to go through w/my plan or not. Once that happens/happened I contact someone. Be that my dad, my friend M, the suicide hotline (even though here it sucks). Hell, I've called the cops on myself. That's my back-up plan. It's almost as if I go on auto-pilot at that point.

Sorry I rambled. I hope that something in this post helps.

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I have had times where I have suicidal thoughts even though I know from a more logical part of me that it's not my desire and that life will improve.

I just wanted to say that the being single issue is a tough enough one for any us on a good day, let alone in the grip of med discontinuation. I suppose what I console myself with is that if I am doomed to be alone, I'm going to treat myself as good as I can and have as much fun as will be possible, whilst flying solo. Sometimes the fear of being alone is fear of not enjoying things, having meaning, of not being comfortable with yourself. I suppose what I am clumsily saying is that you can cultivate a relationship with yourself that is as fulfilling as one with someone else.

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How are you feeling now?

I have to say your description of suicidality very much chimes with my experience over the past year.

Yes, stopping meds for a few days can floor you in ways one can't imagine and, at least from my experience, drinking is a major cause of intense suicidality for me. Not drinking has erased that agony!

Even my non-MI friends complain of feeling like shit even three days after a session. I mean a reasonable, not heavy session, too! Of course it worsens with age.

You are not being whiny at all. Those thoughts are shit. In spite of friends saying I am attractive, caring and intelligent, just being single f###s with my self-esteem at times in ways other things can't. It is shit. We need to bond with people. I think it is essential for improved mental health. It is not your fault. Also, that right person can suddenly appear. I know many who've had that thought that says 'it will never happen' and then it does, whether months or years later.

I agree with the others that there is a difference between being suicidal and being haunted with the thoughts of it.

Hope you are better. Hugs.

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