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okay I haven't been posting in a while but this is really bothering me. I went on vacation for eleven days and I've been dreaming about this girl that almost became my gf last spring. I thought I was over her, but now I'm obsessed with her again and it's totally bringing me down. We went on this date and it was a disaster and then she told me that we were just friends and then I sort of withdrew from her and was angry, and she turned her back on me, but not before saying some pretty mean shit. I really wanted her, and I don't really have any other prospects or much confidence with girls and I feel like I'm way too old to be still having these problems. People my age are having babies some of them and here I am unable to get this girl out of my mind after 9 months. I really feel tortured by this. I really really wanted this to work out. I've made some pretty serious, positive changes in my life, pushing myself past my comfort zones, really trying to move on and become a better person, but all the nightmares and the regret and the shame aren't going away. Fuck!! Help!

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I feel like I'm way too old to be still having these problems.
How old is too old? I had 2 marriages and untold relationships until I met the love of my life and I was 40. It's relative.

I've made some pretty serious, positive changes in my life, pushing myself past my comfort zones, really trying to move on and become a better person, but all the nightmares and the regret and the shame aren't going away. Fuck!! Help!
This is fantastic! If she can't appreciate you, then she doesn't deserve you. Her saying mean things about you is a pretty clear indicator that she's probably doing you a favor, in the long run, but not agreeing to see you anymore. It takes awhile for the bad thoughts to be replaced with good thoughts, but it'll happen. Just keep doing what you've been doing.

Get back out there, dude! Sounds like you got it goin' on.

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Sonofsam,

I think you need to be able to forgive yourself to walk away at peace with it. It sounds like from what you are saying, that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a certain kind of man and be successful in love, and that you also did your best. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, I agree that her negative way of handling it showed you that she wasn't ready for a relationship.

I have just been through a hellacious break up and I have needed to remind myself that I did my best in that situation, and I have learned from my mistakes since, and that the fact we aren't together anymore is not my fault.

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Warning. ;):):)

It takes awhile for the bad thoughts to be replaced with good thoughts, but it'll happen. Just keep doing what you've been doing.

I think you need to be able to forgive yourself to walk away at peace with it.

That's just the thing, I don't know if I can walk away from it, or what walking away from it really even means. It's been nine months and still I'm tormented. I don't know how to make a clean break with people.

It sounds like from what you are saying, that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a certain kind of man and be successful in love, and that you also did your best. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, I agree that her negative way of handling it showed you that she wasn't ready for a relationship.

I don't know what kind of a man I am. I might as well lay my cards out on the table. I'm unable to have healthy relationships. I see a therapist twice a week about it. She's good but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Whenever I try to let my guard down and trust someone, I always end up getting hurt, bad. This time around I started drinking again, smoking cigarettes, taking walks for hours on end, dabbling in black tar heroin, planning my suicide, cutting my arms. Nietzsche says "that which does not kill us makes us stronger". I don't feel stronger. I feel like I'm just experiencing the same pain over and over again. I end up becoming more guarded, more insecure, more fucked up every time. If she wasn't ready for a relationship, then why did she find a guy right away to go out with, and why am I left in the dust, chewed up and spit out, again?

Get back out there, dude! Sounds like you got it goin' on.

I don't feel like I've got shit going on. I feel like such a joke as a sexual partner. I had a dream last night that I was on a bus with some people my age, and she was at the front, talking with people. Then she came to the back where I was sitting and told me it was weird the way I was acting, and I told her how I felt, how I still wanted her in my life, and we hugged and after she got off the bus, I felt so relieved and at peace. When I was getting to know her, I told my therapist, that the only thing I didn't want to have happen was to start really liking her, and getting rejected, because I know how torturous it is for me. My heart and my mind made a break from each other some time in June, and they're still separated. I wish I could still follow my heart, but it always leads me into fucked up situations.

P.S. Please nobody lecture me about taking drugs, cutting, etc. I have these under control, for now. I know they're not good for me. It's not like if I stop these I'll be magically okay. I've stopped everything but smoking cigarettes. I'm not okay.

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Sonofsam,

Hi. It sounds like she wasn't the first to hurt you. It sounds like you have a lot of pain to work through. I know that feeling. I have had countless abusive no good partners, and some good ones, and have been cheated on and rejected and beat up and left and it isn't easy to dust yourself off again. I am not sure anyone here thinks you should do that.

It is really great that you are getting therapy. It is really great that you still have the hope and faith to put in people to date. It is great that you know what your unhealthy coping mechanisms are and that you are working on those. That is a lot to be proud of about.

I am sorry that your dream about the bus wasn't a reality. I wish my ex and I had ended things that way, and we don't speak now. It's gutting when it happens like that. I do feel your pain on this one, it's not easy.

Maybe now is the time to take a break from getting hurt over and over. You say that your therapist is good. Sometimes the periods when we don't feel like any work is getting down in therapy turn out to be the most fruitful times. Maybe this is time to take a break from dating and grieve the grief inside you. I have found that the more I feel the pain I am in, the less life keeps smacking me down until I am force to feel it.

I am sure that you are a lovely guy with a lot to offer someone. It won't hurt to be on your own a while while you figure out why you get so attached to unsuitable women and why you find it hard to let them go.

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this sounds like an awful place to be in.

you said your therapist was good but you weren't getting anywhere. do you mean that you've just stalled temporarily, or that you've come as far as you can with the current therapist, or do you mean maybe you need to focus on different things and techniques in therapy?

sometimes, we hit a plateau and just kind of idle for a while, then therapy 'takes off' again, and sometimes, it's a sign that you need to change things up. not necessarily a new therapist, but try new things.

and please don't get hung up over 'other people my age having kids'. people meet, mate and marry all through their lifetimes. there's no magical cutoff point. honest.

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you said your therapist was good but you weren't getting anywhere. do you mean that you've just stalled temporarily, or that you've come as far as you can with the current therapist, or do you mean maybe you need to focus on different things and techniques in therapy?

I don't think I've gone as far as I can with this therapist, yet. I've started talking a lot about my past, getting everything out. I just feel like I'm never going to be able to have a normal relationship, with men or women. My therapist pointed out to me that I've never had a healthy relationship with a man, and I hadn't really thought about it like that, but she's right. Same with women. I'm always attracted to the most chaotic girls. I don't know if this therapist is able to help me, but she's the best I've had. I was sort of disappointed in the way she reacted to what happened last spring. She didn't really fully believe me, which happens to me a lot. It's like my life sucks so much that it's hard for anyone to believe I'm telling the truth. I think that they have formed opinions on "human nature" by the way they are treated, and I'm so constantly being let down by people in my life that it doesn't jive with their outlook and so they discount me. That being said, she's the best I've had by far, and I know that sounds sort of fucked up, but compared to some of the other therapists I've had, she's Sigmund fucking Freud.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey

okay I haven't been posting in a while but this is really bothering me. I went on vacation for eleven days and I've been dreaming about this girl that almost became my gf last spring. I thought I was over her, but now I'm obsessed with her again and it's totally bringing me down. We went on this date and it was a disaster and then she told me that we were just friends and then I sort of withdrew from her and was angry, and she turned her back on me, but not before saying some pretty mean shit. I really wanted her, and I don't really have any other prospects or much confidence with girls and I feel like I'm way too old to be still having these problems. People my age are having babies some of them and here I am unable to get this girl out of my mind after 9 months. I really feel tortured by this. I really really wanted this to work out. I've made some pretty serious, positive changes in my life, pushing myself past my comfort zones, really trying to move on and become a better person, but all the nightmares and the regret and the shame aren't going away. Fuck!! Help!

I know EXACTLY how you feel.I havn't been on the boards here in quite a while but now I'm back because I'm doing horribly for many of the same reasons.I've gone through two failed relationships within the past five months(may post a separate thread on it) & just feel like completely giving up right now.

Losing a relationship does hurt but you have to try & keep going....when I broke up with my first GF back in september 08 it hurt like heck & I nearly ended up in the psych ward as a result & now after a recent break up with my latest GF yesterday I'm right back in that same situation myself.One thing you have to prepare yourself for when entering any relationship is the possibility that it will end in a break up but even with this in mind it doesn't lessen the blow to one's psyche & sense of self worth when it ends up happening.I wish I had more support to offer you than this because believe me,I'm going through that same pain & misery that you are & know 100% how much it hurts.

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I know EXACTLY how you feel.I havn't been on the boards here in quite a while but now I'm back because I'm doing horribly for many of the same reasons.I've gone through two failed relationships within the past five months(may post a separate thread on it) & just feel like completely giving up right now.

Losing a relationship does hurt but you have to try & keep going....when I broke up with my first GF back in september 08 it hurt like heck & I nearly ended up in the psych ward as a result & now after a recent break up with my latest GF yesterday I'm right back in that same situation myself.One thing you have to prepare yourself for when entering any relationship is the possibility that it will end in a break up but even with this in mind it doesn't lessen the blow to one's psyche & sense of self worth when it ends up happening.I wish I had more support to offer you than this because believe me,I'm going through that same pain & misery that you are & know 100% how much it hurts.

Thanks Mike, it's nice to know I'm not alone

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I know EXACTLY how you feel.I havn't been on the boards here in quite a while but now I'm back because I'm doing horribly for many of the same reasons.I've gone through two failed relationships within the past five months(may post a separate thread on it) & just feel like completely giving up right now.

Losing a relationship does hurt but you have to try & keep going....when I broke up with my first GF back in september 08 it hurt like heck & I nearly ended up in the psych ward as a result & now after a recent break up with my latest GF yesterday I'm right back in that same situation myself.One thing you have to prepare yourself for when entering any relationship is the possibility that it will end in a break up but even with this in mind it doesn't lessen the blow to one's psyche & sense of self worth when it ends up happening.I wish I had more support to offer you than this because believe me,I'm going through that same pain & misery that you are & know 100% how much it hurts.

Thanks Mike, it's nice to know I'm not alone

You're welcome.

Three days later & I'm still hurting,not as much as I did on tuesday but still hurting none the less.Yesterday was so bad I just stayed in bed crying uncontrollably all day & into the night.

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I know EXACTLY how you feel.I havn't been on the boards here in quite a while but now I'm back because I'm doing horribly for many of the same reasons.I've gone through two failed relationships within the past five months(may post a separate thread on it) & just feel like completely giving up right now.

Losing a relationship does hurt but you have to try & keep going....when I broke up with my first GF back in september 08 it hurt like heck & I nearly ended up in the psych ward as a result & now after a recent break up with my latest GF yesterday I'm right back in that same situation myself.One thing you have to prepare yourself for when entering any relationship is the possibility that it will end in a break up but even with this in mind it doesn't lessen the blow to one's psyche & sense of self worth when it ends up happening.I wish I had more support to offer you than this because believe me,I'm going through that same pain & misery that you are & know 100% how much it hurts.

Thanks Mike, it's nice to know I'm not alone

You're welcome.

Three days later & I'm still hurting,not as much as I did on tuesday but still hurting none the less.Yesterday was so bad I just stayed in bed crying uncontrollably all day & into the night.

Time heals all wounds. It was practically unbearable for me to function about six months ago, but now when I think back on everything, I get a little depressed, but I can deal with it.

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I know EXACTLY how you feel.I havn't been on the boards here in quite a while but now I'm back because I'm doing horribly for many of the same reasons.I've gone through two failed relationships within the past five months(may post a separate thread on it) & just feel like completely giving up right now.

Losing a relationship does hurt but you have to try & keep going....when I broke up with my first GF back in september 08 it hurt like heck & I nearly ended up in the psych ward as a result & now after a recent break up with my latest GF yesterday I'm right back in that same situation myself.One thing you have to prepare yourself for when entering any relationship is the possibility that it will end in a break up but even with this in mind it doesn't lessen the blow to one's psyche & sense of self worth when it ends up happening.I wish I had more support to offer you than this because believe me,I'm going through that same pain & misery that you are & know 100% how much it hurts.

Thanks Mike, it's nice to know I'm not alone

You're welcome.

Three days later & I'm still hurting,not as much as I did on tuesday but still hurting none the less.Yesterday was so bad I just stayed in bed crying uncontrollably all day & into the night.

Time heals all wounds. It was practically unbearable for me to function about six months ago, but now when I think back on everything, I get a little depressed, but I can deal with it.

I so wish it could be that easy right now.

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