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Can anything stop me sliding?


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I feel horrible again.

Not that I have been happy, but at least i've been able to go out and act normal and even have some breaks where I feel like me again.

I've been feeling myself slide further toward this place for a while, and I don't know what to do.

I don't think I will survive being that depressed again. I would rather die than be there again. Unfortunately my mind is more than willing to provide me with many methods to make that happen.

I feel so incredibly worthless and drifting towards hopeless.

Help. You guys know this crap. What do I do? Is there anything I can do?

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If I remember correctly, you've been on a long tdoc-break for a while. Maybe that's contributing? Can you try to hang on until the next time you see her? When I'm crummy like that, I just live from appointment to appointment.

Sometimes the anticipation is one of the worst parts - when you feel it coming and you know you can't stop it. It's like watching a train wreck, huh? I don't have any good advice, but I'm here to listen any time you need to talk.

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Things to do when depression is hitting you:

Get enough sleep, eat healthily, take your prescribed meds, stay off non prescribed substances and alcohol, make sure you get some exercise each day, talk to someone IRL about how you feel even it is just on a helpline, pray, call your doctor and see them, do nice things that you normally enjoy, keep a level of activity going on so you don't slip into boredom...

And most importantly, give yourself a break. You work damn hard. You are doing your best. Things may be dipping but they will improve. Just work of keep keeping on and the rest will work out.

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Uni doesn't start until March, until then i'm working about two or three days a week. I haven't seen tdoc since November, she doesn't come back for another two weeks.

At least i'm getting some sleep, and i'm eating. I was gathering up the courage to devastate my mum with the news i'm not doing as well as she thinks I am but the phone rang and she had to rush off to a crisis. Maybe it's a sign I should just not tell her.

I'm taking all my meds, I don't drink or anything. I could go back to my gp but she will just want to randomly switch me to another ssri, and the cymbalta is still helping the anxiety so I don't want that to come back. And the flashbacks have stopped but going to the doctor might trigger them again, and considering how much I am tempted to just end my life I think that would push me over the edge.

Tryp I usually just focus on making it to the next weeks appointment too. I've made it 4 weeks, surely I can somehow do another two.

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I could go back to my gp but she will just want to randomly switch me to another ssri, and the cymbalta is still helping the anxiety so I don't want that to come back.

Okay, but...

And the flashbacks have stopped but going to the doctor might trigger them again, and considering how much I am tempted to just end my life I think that would push me over the edge.

What is worse, the anxiety or the depression which has you tempted to end your life? These suicidal thoughts have been persisting for you for awhile now. I know the intensity fluctuates, but still. Have you found a new pdoc? If not, it's time to call the douche bag. You, IMO, ARE sliding dangerously close to crisis mode.

Tell your Mom when she comes home. Trust me on this. As a Mom, I can pretty much guarantee she would rather know. You might be surprised by how much we Moms can truly handle. So, please tell her, okay?

You know I worry. Let us know how you're doing.

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The thing that would worry me about switching to another SSRI would be that they tend to take weeks to kick in.

However, I agree with S9 - that intensity/duration of suicidality is worrying. I'm sure it worries you too. Do you have the numbers of some crisis lines you can call? What's going on with the pdoc situation? Is there someone covering for your tdoc who could help you do some damage control? It seems like it might be getting to that point where you need to bite the bullet and call douchebag pdoc and/or pull out the big guns if you have any.

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She's home but dealing with stuff (details in blogland) so I can't talk to her now.

I would rather shove sharp pencils in my eye than call douchebag, no way jose. Ugh not talking to him ever again.

I have tdocs mobile number. She made me promise I wouldn't ever kill myself without calling her first, and I won't break it. I feel bad calling now though, she's on break.

I'm not quite in crisis. Even if I was my plans have flaws, and i'm too much of a perfectionist. I still have lots of reasons to stay alive, including my family and my friends and my future and the girls that I lead. I don't want to cause copycat suicides.

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I would rather shove sharp pencils in my eye than call douchebag, no way jose. Ugh not talking to him ever again.
Have you started shopping for a new one yet?

I'm glad you have a deal with your tdoc and that she gave you her cell phone number. That makes the worry wart in me feel better.

It's not even so much that I think you would actually hurt yourself. It's just sad that you are in so much pain. I want you to feel better (I know you want that too.)

I don't want to cause copycat suicides.
Having someone to be accountable too such as your own children or other peoples children is powerful motivation to get better, and to seek whatever resources you must for that to happen.
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