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Bottoming Out Again


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Morning all...

I've been reading the posts and trying to get a handle on my feelings.

The end of last week I felt fairly decent...not exactly high, but almost pleasant. Then Saturday, I woke up with that feeling of dread. Strangely, I also had chills and some nausea. Was supposed to take my mother dinner, but was bundled up in blankets. DH took her some dinner and visited--he said she was in a good mood and ate well.

Sunday the chills and nausea were better but not enough that I felt like doing anything.

Then early afternoon, my mother called screaming like a banshee about where was her lunch. I told her that it was not my Sunday (we rotate Sundays) and I had taken her out last week. She proceeded to tell me I didn't, that Gail had done it, I didn't know what I was talking about/I had told her I was bringing chicken. No, I was bringing it this evening. Today is my day of doing her lunch, laundry, and leaving once she is down for her nap. I go back late afternoon and do dinner.

She finally said just forget it and I'll take care of myself.

I called the sister who was to do dinner yesterday, and she was pissed off at me. Said Mum told her I was bringing dinner so she made other plans. Said she was going to call Mum and see what she wanted...tried to tell her what happened and she hung up on me after telling me this ruined her plans.

This  event did not trigger anything, but did make my mood worse. I ended up crying for a long time, and had to make myself stay on that couch or I would have gone to the pills. And that feeling shocked me...I really thought I was making some headway.

Have an appt with the pdoc tomorrow and the tdoc Wed...and I do not want to tell them anything except I'm going downward but not about the suicidial feeling. Shooting myself in the foot, aren't I?

In a few hours, I'll be going there for the lunch/laundry thing. And it's going to take every bit of whatever to do it.

I did (as per pdoc/starter pack) up the Lamictal to 50 this morning. Now I know it will take some time before that kicks in...

the pleasantness I felt last week did not feel like my usual high, but the damn depression following it is very familiar. how can there be a difference in the high but not the low?

I am sorry for the long post! It took alot of mental debating to do it...but felt if I didn't then I was hiding/denying, and if anyone would understand...folks here would.

Thanks for reading,

Spike

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Aah Spike, mental illness sucks, sucks, sucks.  I too have been feeling almost suicidal (i.e. when the thought comes to mind, I try not to dwell on it too much, telling myself it will pass) and this same old shit is getting very old.  I cannot believe that your family expects, let alone allows you to take on so much of your aging mother's care.  The reason you are not working is because you are disabled!  Period.  End of sentence.  How can you even hope to recover if you are being depended on to take care of someone else when you are having trouble doing what is good for you?  I am sorry if I sound unsympathetic about your family, it is just that I am so fed up with folks thinking we SHOULD be able to cope with things that we cannot.  From reading your posts on this board I know you are a kind, caring, compassionate person who deserves the best that life (even with mental illness) can offer.  Is there any way you could discuss with your family the fact that you will only be able to help out when you are feeling able and to ask them not to count on you on any kind of schedule?  Who cares if someone might think you SHOULD be able to do more.  You can only do what you can do and you MUST take care of yourself or they will have one more thing to worry about.  Please forgive me this rant on your thread but I care about you and only want what is best for you.  Sulu

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Let me get this straight...you are struggling with mental illness AND are expect to take care of an elderly mother??? Being in the caregiver role for bp hubby and an autistic son, I can tell you the stress of being a caregiver is VERY HIGH. I am not mentally interesting and find it very tough at times. I can't imagine being in your shoes and them having to take care of someone else. You may have to step back from that role to take care of yourself. You will do nobody any good if you end up hospitalized.

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Sulu, thank you...

This has been going on for almost a year. The only thing that has changed is my father died in april. I guess I have not been forceful enough setting my limitations and boundaries. My family legacy is that you put aside your own stuff "for the greater good"--usually someone else's. TS if you are not feeling well--as in, if it's mental, hide it, don't talk about it, and absolutely don't think it will give you any leeway in getting away from doing your share. If it's mental, that is something to be ashamed of...

in all fairness, I let this happen. the pdoc wanted to make some big changes with my meds and I wanted to go slower. partly because I have had life-threatening reactions to two previous ones and obviously want to avoid a repeat.

but the other side of the coin is I felt I had to go slowly so I didn't upset the apple cart...that if I felt woozy and needed to sleep, etc. then I was letting everyone down. I was  going to make arrangements with my daughter to cover for me but she was going on a lenghty trip to MN. well, she's back now so I am going to ask her to be my backup.

'course that will be after the trip to Seattle for a week. so if I can...no, I will make it until I get home then do what the pdoc wants to do.

my mother did offer a sincere apology for what happened. I appreciated it, but I am detached right now. if I don't give in/give up/emotionally step away then I can get through the next few weeks. I think hope.

thanks for understanding! the shock of feeling suicidal again really scared me. I think the dog (Tip) saved my life. he was laying across me as I was crying and wouldn't budge no matter how much I tried to move him...

I learn things the hard way and that may have been my wake up call.

Damn, but I hate getting blind-sided again by this stupid disease. oh, wait...in my family, it's not a disease. it's malingering, shameful, "you think you got it bad? well, let me tell you..."

Spike

getting my shovel out so I can sift through this sh*t and find the pony...

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WZ, thank you for sharing about caregiver stress and understanding...

yeah, I gotta get my "brass balls" back and step back from this for a bit. right now I just want to get through the next few weeks.

ya know, it really surprised me when I woke up so full of dread. I guess I thought magically that the feeling good would continue for awhile longer. and I know it will once I get stablized.

this was like a half-high so I wasn't prepared (?) for the usual depression that follows. so much for ignoring reality...

and I salute you for what you are doing every day! at least mine is only 3-4 days a week.

Spike

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You are a SAINT!  A Saint - I don't know anything about your situation, but it sounds like you do a lot for others, (and not making judgements here, because I don't know all the details) but ungrateful others as well.

I know the feelings of ending it all, I feel like I've somehow 'lost' myself in everyone elses lives.  I have no friends, (literally) and I stay home with my daughter, am supposed to manage the office end of my fiance's business, but I've lost any idea of what my dreams, hopes, etc. are.

I wish I could reach out and hug you right now.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Remember, it will get better.  That's the hope I cling to every day lately.  I remember someone saying that as bad as it gets, and when you feel like you can't stand another minute, life will 'turn the corner' so to speak.  Keep taking your meds, I just started Lamactil as well, (two days now) and I've heard it takes awhile. 

Please know you do a lot, I know many people wouldn't give what it seems you are giving to your family - that's a lot to deal with in addition to depression.  Please know you're not alone, and I hope things get better and you find some peace and happiness.

Sincerely,

Linda

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I didn't see your post about the dog, my dog has been by my side day and night lately, and it sounds pathetic, but sometimes I feel he's the only *friend* I've got.  I'm glad you have that, some may not understand, but I do.  They know, somehow, they just know when you need them. 

Take Care

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No, no Spike, never a need to apologize for how you feel, the tired thing, I understand, I have been so exhausted and I know it's not physical, definitely mental. 

I'm glad you're seeing your p-doc today.  I'm am seeing my daughter's therapist with my narcissistic ex-husband today.  In a way looking forward to it.  He is very manipulative and controlling, likes to call three and four times a day and insist upon meetings to *discuss* things and then berate me as a parent.  It's been overwhelming and I know the interaction with him has led to much of my depression, but that's my responsibility. 

I hope you are feeling better soon.  Hope, I have hope, no matter what, I cling to that, I think sometimes that's all I've got through the tough spots. 

I'm sending you hope and some California sunshine.

Take Care,

Linda

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:)

Linda, love that sunshine...and the hope! it arrived safely...thank you!

and part of that hope was in the form of my daughter saying she will do one day a week (one of my days :P with my mother. can we say  All Right!!

she just got back from MN and dropped in, told me I looked like sh*t, and wanted to know what was going on. I didn't give her TMI, but said I was very tired, etc. so she volunteered her services

and I hope your session went as good as you needed it to be!

pdoc appt was uhmm unusual? he was very pleasant and listened to me intently. then agreed to go slower on the meds but did *ask* if I would go ahead and start a low dose of Respirdal (sp?)

he did say that it would be easier if I would agree to go into the hospital for 7-10 days for stabilization. but when he saw the look of pure terror in my eyes, he said we would try it as outpatient/that my reaction led him to believe it would be safer for me for now. he did extract "the promise"/contract that if I felt suicidal again that I would call him. so I told him about Tip, my dog, and knowing that if I got up I would do it.

;)   told me I had a grand dog and to let him watch over me prn...

seriously, he did say to call him 24/7 not just for suicidal thoughts but when I felt even half-high 'cause there would be that crash and burn and that would be a dangerous time for me.

I'm stubborn, sometimes stupid, but I did agree. wee bit of progress, I guess.

but when I get that good feeling is when I think I need a doc the least. guess I'll tattoo my forehead as a reminder.

peace,

spike

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Never stupid, but stubborn, I think stubborn is a good thing Spike!  And good for you and a big ALL RIGHT, YEAHHHH for your daughter taking a day, the comment about you looking like shit, (sorry - I just have heard that during major depression episode), it's weird, looking back at pictures of myself during the two major depressions, (not counting this one, and a *minor* breakdown during divorce) I look like a completely different person.  A ghost of myself really.  Ragged, tortured, and an emptiness in my eyes that is haunting.  And then when it lifts, my vitality returns, my energy, there's light in my eyes.....

More and more I ponder the why society doesn't see MI as a DISEASE, with all the debilitation, sickness of a disease, the brain is an organ, if it gets sick, is it any different than your liver, your kidneys, your heart?  And would we expect a person with heart disease, diabetes to look and feel super when they're in a terrible place with controlling their insulin?  The brain is an organ - am I over simplifying here?  Uh-oh, off on a rant....

And you have company with the hospital terror, after my dd was born eight years ago, I had two lovely visits to the local psych ward, not fun, but highly necessary at the time.  I don't know about Respidral (? - spelling), but I hope it helps.

As for Tip, hold him close.  Steel, my black lab is an angel in disguise - sometimes just his head on my lap, I don't know, it's like salve for the soul. 

Please keep in touch, and remember, your never stupid, and stubborn - hey, I believe that's a gift.

Take Care Spike, you'll be in my thoughts, you and Tip,

Linda

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