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Happy monday, then bleh


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Took 25 mg of Seroquel last night at 7 pm.

8:20 looked at hubby and said "I'm outta here" as i was nodding off.

Woke up this morning around 6:30 - felt great, no hangover.

Sitting here thinking to myself "wow, upping the dose of seroquel... I might just be able to handle it."

Looking at online classes I need for my CEU's, happy that I'm able to focus for once in weeks ...happy that I'm not going too fast or slow...that "sweet spot" I love so much. "Ah yes this is the life, properly medicated. I might have a chance at working and school again"

Then my husband walks by me, making my area of the floor shake a bit and I could feel my internal raging bitch mode popping up. So I bit the inside of my mouth because it's easier to NOT say something when the ms. pissyness hits, than to have to go and apologize and think to himself "fuck, she's gonna be a bitch today"

Annoyed, irritable from happy and content, in about 10 seconds. Now I'm irritable that he is walking in the house period and am thinking to myself that he has the tv too loud, is it REALLY his day off (again?) (he works full time, so what's my fucking problem?)

Does he HAVE to have the heater up so damned high? (it's only 72 but the hot flashes...fuck me running)

I love my husband very much. He has put up with the highs and lows and the drugging and drinking - then seen me get sober only to be diagnosed BP and struggle some more. He's a wonderful loving funny man. And he has done NOTHING wrong this morning. I'm just pissy that he's up and at 'em.

I'm about to burst into tears because cognitively I know what's going on but emotionally and mentally it's just, la la la fucking la.

Frustrating. I know he didn't wake up this morning and say to himself "I wonder how I can screw up her day..."

then my head "well, if this is how it's going to be, just fuck everything and quit, it's been almost 4 years of hard work, med changes, therapy, AA meetings and everything else"

dammit

what do you guys do when it gets mixed like that? (that's what i call a mini mixed episode and I know it will pass)

I'm just not used to sharing how my head works when I'm IN it. It's much easier and less vulnerable to share it afterwards.

feeling like an emotional tard.

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Yup and yup lol

Our pipes are frozen so I guess it will be off to the meeting with no shower eh?

The sun is out but I'm not feeling it - would rather close my curtains and...veg out. Not healthy and makes my alarms go off when I think of it.

However, I know that both of you are right on. I need to do whatever the opposite is i.e. if I feel like staying in and being grumpy (choices are such a bitch) I can, or I get off my ass and go do something healthy as odd and weird as I feel.

ACK - just for shits and giggles and to hold myself accountable I called my AA sponsor and told her my bleh story and she told me she would see me at the meeting. Now I HAVE to go to the meeting, shower or no.

I can't control my brain zippys and zappies but I can control my behavior and what I do. Thank God I have those tools to work with.

Thank God I found this site and finally registered!!

Thanks for the support, I'm sure you guys know how much it means as you have gotten support through here too.

Linda

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I went to a new womens AA meeting and met some neat women. (does anyone say "neat" anymore?) After that we went to lunch.

A little grocery shopping and I'm home for the day/night.

I feel down, up. I'm not sure how I feel. Hell, I just found out that a mixed episode can have a lot more to it than just irritability.

Someone mentioned a mood tracker on the good old www. I signed up for that and will give it a go. I wonder if there's a way to see if food has anything to do with moods. My husband says I eat LOTS of stuff with sugar and then get manic. Weird eh?

So, what was I saying?

Got through another day. Dreading 7:30 - med time. I can't remember going to bed before 9 pm in months. But I can either go to bed early and straighten out my sleep schedule and wah wah wah about my meds or I can bitch about my meds, not take them and keep being nuts.

Do any of you guys just push yourself to go out and do whatever it is that you do in SPITE of how you feel? I couldn't wait to get home and get my sweats on, make dinner for the dogs and my husband and I ... and just feel safe.

Still, I'm glad I got out and did something different than what I thought I needed to do.

Thanks ;)

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Do any of you guys just push yourself to go out and do whatever it is that you do in SPITE of how you feel?
Yes. And I think this cuts across all lines of MI, not just bipolar. I'm not bipolar (see sig) and if I waited until I felt like doing shit, I would never go out. As it is, I blow off a lot of the "going out." But if you are familiar with "the rooms" then you are also familiar with "progress not perfection." I try to get most of my stuff done on the days I feel good, and I give myself permission to let shit slide on the days I feel bad.

Does he HAVE to have the heater up so damned high? (it's only 72 but the hot flashes...fuck me running)

Now that's funny, I'm going to remember that one! I feel your pain on the hot flashes darlin'. I'm 48, live in PA and until this winter have always really minded the cold. Not anymore...;)

Have you been specifically instructed to take night meds at 7:30? I understand needing to get sleep schedule under control, but couldn't you take your meds at like 9:00?

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Oh yeah I hear you on "not minding the cold." It was 39 when I got up yesterday, pipes frozen... I was sooo happy. Rain, cold, snow...love it all. THEN I heard the weather report "will be 82 degrees in a few days with Santa ana winds" I was sooo pissed off.

As for the 7:30 pm meds - when my doc first put me on Seroquel she told me specifically at 7 pm and to start "winding down" (I used to tend to get started painting, planning, organizing ...all those important projects that just...cannot...wait late at night (like 9 or 10 pm) and so she was trying to get me to change that. Then do homework until 4 a.m. - not good if ya wanna stablize.

I took 25 at 7 pm 2 nights ago, knocked me on my ass. Last night I took 12 mgs at 8:30 and didn't go to bed til 11. I think I'll take 25 at 8pm tonight and see how that works. With the days shorter I need daylight, not lamplight so I have to play with times a bit I think.

Yesterday I felt revved up and was worried that the Seroquel was doing it or was I just happy and energetic.

Yes, progress not perfection ...thanks for the reminder. You said you are 48, your pic looks younger!

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I took 25 at 7 pm 2 nights ago, knocked me on my ass. Last night I took 12 mgs at 8:30 and didn't go to bed til 11. I think I'll take 25 at 8pm tonight and see how that works.
I take Seroquel at night and it takes about 1 hour to make me drowsy. If I am doing something other than trying to sleep I can actually push through that hour and end up not being able to sleep. FWIW.

You said you are 48, your pic looks younger!
Ha! You are my new best friend! Actually, I look better in b/w. ;) Hides the wrinkles and the chins.
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I took 25 at 7 pm 2 nights ago, knocked me on my ass. Last night I took 12 mgs at 8:30 and didn't go to bed til 11. I think I'll take 25 at 8pm tonight and see how that works.
I take Seroquel at night and it takes about 1 hour to make me drowsy. If I am doing something other than trying to sleep I can actually push through that hour and end up not being able to sleep. FWIW.

I'm the same way... if I push through that hour, it doesn't put me to sleep at all, but when I do finally get to sleep, it helps me *stay* asleep. I'm not sure if the Seroquel is "revving you up" but you might want to check the side effects on that - it doesn't do it for me, but YMMV.

Ha! You are my new best friend! Actually, I look better in b/w. ;) Hides the wrinkles and the chins.
I did the same thing when I actually posted pictures of myself online. :) But you know you look gorgeous. :)
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