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Hi, it's me, sonofsam. I decided to change my name to something a little less violent. Anyway, I posted a few days ago about a girl I was dreaming of, but that's not really the point. The point is is that I am completely unable to have people in my life. I go to work, come straight home, don't go out on the weekends, nothing. I hate my life. I just came home from the holidays and that was bad, and then I realized again how miserable I am back here. Every time someone reaches out to me I end up pushing them away, and that doesn't happen all that often. I feel broken down and used up all the time. There's nothing in my life that I look forward to, except maybe being alone, and sometimes that's too hard to deal with, like right now. It's not that I'm not tough enough to deal with it, but I deal with it because I need to, and that bothers me. I don't mean to push people away, either, I think I must have been abused as a child, or something. Anyway all I wanna do is blow everything off and start a new life, somewhere away from a lot of people, where I don't have to do all these things grownups have to do, like go to work and have a routine and all that. It seems like my only motivation is and has been for a long time, fear, of what will happen to me if I give up, like becoming homeless, starving, etc. etc.

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Anyway all I wanna do is blow everything off and start a new life, somewhere away from a lot of people, where I don't have to do all these things grownups have to do, like go to work and have a routine and all that.

This reminds me of a saying, "no matter where you go, there you are."

It seems like my only motivation is and has been for a long time, fear, of what will happen to me if I give up, like becoming homeless, starving, etc. etc.
It's a reasonable and rational fear. You would be better off to develop a strategy that would better accommodate your best interests and heart's desires. Take my word for it, losing everything is not everything it's cracked up to be.
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This reminds me of a saying, "no matter where you go, there you are."

Yes, but at least I'll be away from the rest of the world. I feel like there is something in my genes that makes me inherently unlikable. The more I try to get along with people, the more I fail.

It's a reasonable and rational fear. You would be better off to develop a strategy that would better accommodate your best interests and heart's desires. Take my word for it, losing everything is not everything it's cracked up to be.

I know that, firsthand, at least in terms of having human connections. I've gone for long periods of time scared or unable to leave my apartment, wishing that I could have my groceries delivered so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. As far as my best interests and heart's desires, there always seems to be something in the way. Or I'll get so close I can taste it, just to be shoved into the dirt again. I get so tired of caring at all, but still life seems to always have some new humiliation waiting in store for me.

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Drunkenboat alot of the things you describe I have felt before. I don't know about you, but I tend to socially isolate because interaction takes too much energy. I have to be peppy, socially appropriate and at least somewhat engaging. It is sooo much easier to lay in bed and watch TV... but then I get lonely.

I find it appropriate that your thread is in the depression area. It sounds like a lot of what you are describing are your symptoms of depression. I feel some of those symptoms without being sad and it is still depression. So that brings me to the next logical point... are you in treatment? I might not be a ball of energy in the winter but overall I make it because of medication and therapy. Medication has probably helped me the most, though it never has taken away all of the symptoms. I have no idea if you have been in or are in treatment now, or how you feel about it. But I do know that for most people with depression it is effective. If you haven't tried it and you fear giving up and losing all you have, then maybe it is time to try treatment.

The last thing I'm going to say is for you to not give up. There have definitely been times I've wondered if I ever was going to get better or be able to do what everyone else does in life with this illness. Thank God I got to the point where I can be a functional human being. I hope the same can happen for you. Good luck.

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Drunkenboat alot of the things you describe I have felt before. I don't know about you, but I tend to socially isolate because interaction takes too much energy. I have to be peppy, socially appropriate and at least somewhat engaging. It is sooo much easier to lay in bed and watch TV... but then I get lonely.

I get lonely, too, but it seems that I can't really get along with most people in any social setting. I actually become the odd one out, the whipping boy of the group. It's gotten to the point where I just accept it, because moving to a new group

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I get lonely, too, but it seems that I can't really get along with most people in any social setting. I actually become the odd one out, the whipping boy of the group. It's gotten to the point where I just accept it, because moving to a new group
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That feeling of being the odd one out in most social settings is hard to overcome. It is very possible, though, to work on social cues and interactions to become more comfortable socially and at work, to learn the verbal and nonverbal tricks of the more socially adept. You may never lose that sense of not fitting in, but you can learn to keep yourself out of that whipping boy role and actually make some friends.

I think one of my biggest problems is that I get so nervous in new social settings, and I end up being ostracized right off the bat. That and I'm really sensitive, which makes me sometimes react to people in ways they didn't expect. Of course I'm aware of my sensitivity, but it's so strong that I feel overpowered sometimes, especially with irritation and anxiety. The PTSD doesn't help, either. When I get tired of playing politics and putting up with everyone's shit, they are usually surprised, it's like they think I don't mind the abuse. Even if I make a so-called friend in a new social situation, I end up finding out that they don't really respect me, maybe just feel sorry for me, etc. etc. I'd like to think that I'll eventually grow out of this "role", but I've tried and failed so many times, and every time the idea of putting myself out there again makes me want to jump out of my skin. I feel so pathetic, I want to be accepted, I need to have close relationships in my life, but I can't make it happen. I can count two social groups I had the opportunity of joining in the past three years, and each time when the phone rang it would fill me with so much anxiety that I could barely function, and I ended up either sabotaging myself, or in this latest case being chewed up and spit out, humiliated in the process.

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