Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

I feel like every day in the last few years has been a mistake.  Everything that has happened is a huge failure- my lack of a job, my failing classes, my getting pregnant, my failing to say "screw you" to everyone I love and give up the baby. I even feel like my long labor and the way I screamed was a failure. Kept the doc there too long! and made my husband and mother listen to my screams all night.

Now every day is torture. I wake up to his screaming, I'm tortured by noise.  If I even *start* to think about everything I have to do for our cross country move, I flip out.  I flip so hard I start to shake.

Tried to see a therapist last week, he showed up late and I talked to him for 5 mins. I have no one else to talk to.  I called my MD and they rudely told me they can't prescribe anything for stress/anxiety.

Coping skills - I dont have any. Everything is overwhelming.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suggest new docs.  It sucks, but if you are trying to get help and doors keep getting slammed in your face, knock on other doors.  ESPECIALLY the tdoc.  Forget him.  That is Laaaaaaaame as lame can be.  Orrrrr, use this post to just type out your feelings.  Wow, is it helping me.  I should have gotten my ass back to a tdoc MONTHS ago and this is a good way of getting by until I can actually get in to see one.  Let it alllll out.  What are all of your concerns?  What are your options?  What do you think you could do to make yourself feel better.  Try to dig deep and be as rational as possible.  (I know, I know, it is a HUGE laugh for me to think about myself being rational as well...) 

You've come this far into life, why not keep slugging along?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

gwen I told you in your post "time, time, give it time". I might have been wrong about that, since you are experiencing insomnia and needing to be at work..I read the panic in your post.

Time, not something I feel like I have. I KNOW I need to take it one day at a time, but it feels like every minute is crucial, It's NOT I have a month.  It isn't helping to have my brain feel like pancake batter(to quote red stripes)..can't plan, can't organize, nothing.  It's adding to the stress, feeling like my brain is completely absent.  so I recognize all these things but how can I work on them?

it feels like it's too late to do anything about it.  *pulls out chunks of hair* oh they were already falling out, I'm not hurting myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crap - sucks when you are trying to give a person advice and they are like "yo - practice what you preach bee-yotch" ;)   :)   :P   (I swear that is supposed to be funny)  Why is it we are so good at comforting others and giving advice but we hardly take our own?

No really.  Writing the post made me feel better (I think) and getting it out made me feel like at least it wasn't rotting my insides like week old roadkill.  (Nice visual gwen)

Time, not something I feel like I have. I KNOW I need to take it one day at a time, but it feels like every minute is crucial, It's NOT I have a month.  It isn't helping to have my brain feel like pancake batter(to quote red stripes)..can't plan, can't organize, nothing.  It's adding to the stress, feeling like my brain is completely absent.  so I recognize all these things but how can I work on them?

Sounds like good ol' depression bipolar anxiety to me.  You work on them with the right meds and a therapist.  As for what to do right this moment??....  Well, I am taking time off from work and took a benedryl to stop my fucking heart from jumping out of my chest.  Deep breathing, going for a walk later (I swear I will), talking to people who I KNOW will understand not dumbass fucks like my bf.....  That's all I can tell you.  Vent - go crazy - deal a little - vent - go crazy - deal a little -

You have a month, make a list or lots of them - it will get the tasks out of your head.  Cross items off list as needed.  Start small - 1: Call doc 2: boy boxes (or whatever), then each time you cross something off the list you feel a little more under control and that farther along to your goal. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The advice to start small is very good. I've often been glad to do even one small thing in a day, especially when it was a goal.

And yes, start with peoc and therapist, if you're moving cross-country in  month you don't need to start anything deep, but you do need support and it sure sounds like medication would help.

As for moving, I don't know anything about your finances, but can you afford to have the moving company pack your things? They'll come in, pack everything including the dirty dishes, haul it to your new place, and leave the boxes were you want them. It's an amazing way to move. You don't even pack the breakables because their insurance will only cover what they themselves pack.

And the world is not your fault. None of those things you listed are evil negatives, perhaps you made a mistake or two along the way. We ALL do that! And that you are concerned about these things shows that you are not an evil unfeeling creature, you're just a human.

Keep moving, however slowly -- it's easier to keep moving than to stop and start again.

Fiona

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you both for the advice and kind words.

lists lists lists. they're a good thing.

how do you tell your spouse you NEED someone to move things for you?  I dont know how to do it.  I hate conflict alot.

I need ppl to load up the van yes.  beyond that there a re a million other things, I'm not exaggerating I swear. the yard, the cars, the cats, the baby, and just...doing it all by myself. everything *SHRIEK*!

well, it will get done or it will not. it is what it is.  I'm not obsessing most of the time dont have the brainpower to even do that or worry.  it just comes on me, it's physical.

oh btw, I found out about the hair loss, seems it's common after a baby. (meds and stress don't help with it though.) time to buy a wig. ;)

I always wanted one anyway. this is turning into a springer post..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ss-

I have the same problems you list when I am depressed. No amount of advice seems to cut it when you feel this way, I know. Just remember that MOST things are never as bad as they seem to be. Before you know it you will have moved SUCCESSFULLY albeit a very tough successfully and it will be behind you. I always dread big steps but before I realize it the time has flown by and it's all history.

Peace to you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Guest_soulshards_*

I bought a wig. I'm seeing the therapist again Monday.  Nothing got done this weekend. less than nothing.

I think I really do need Ativan.  have been denied it so far because I forgot my appointment with MD. Pooh.

The pioneers got thru it with only moonshine, I guess I'll live through this without Ativan. But with the moonshine thank you very much.

Thank you for the upbeat post sun zoom.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry that you're going through this I wish could you could find a med that works for you. When I moved down here I creid for days, panicked, and shook a lot. Ask your family to give whatever help they can. You will get through this and everything will be okay.

My prayers are with you

Lilie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Any way you could get good old Mom to babysit while you pack?

no. she works full time and is not taking the move too well anyway. (I wouldn't either, it's 2500 miles away.)  She had summer off, so can't take any time.

Sincere Thank you for your prayers Lilie. I need every bit of help I can get. Just taking it one day at a time, working through the cycles of rapid heartbeat and then utter exhaustion.  From what I understand, Ativan would work very well for me at this point.  But as many of us know, we have to walk around in circles sometimes to get what we need from the docs.  (weekends suck donkey dong in this respect!)

It is very frustrating to feel the lexapro working wonders for the depression, and having all this stress RUIN it.  I don't feel like a walking ghoul anymore. I feel like I am going to spontaneously combust, or destroy dishes/windows/etc.

I have had some serious moments this weekend and resisting the urge to run to the "inpatient facility" or pack up and hide at my mother's. I just want it all to stop.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't be so hard on yourself, you know a long distance move rates right up there as a major life stress along with death, divorce, and having a child, right? And since it sounds like you also have a little one, well....its no wonder!

Personally I have moved a few times and I HATE it and go into panic/avoidance and then somehow pull the whole thing out of my ass the last few days. It really will get done.

Make your lists, do even tiny things and don't stress about the big ones til you absolutely have to have them done.

CC~

Link to comment
Share on other sites

worked for 5 hours and got 30 all day bus passes.
that is capital, supergwen!  I have been checking craigslist. so far none have been right, but I'll keep trying.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you know a long distance move rates right up there as a major life stress along with death, divorce, and having a child, right?

yes ;) my life stress score is off the scale. I'm not being hard on me. seems like someone else is.

What's the wig like? tongue.gif

the wig is synthetic ash blonde, just below the chin, straight (my natural hair is ringlet curls), all one length. Not in style right now but who cares.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Soul,

Just having a baby alone can bum you out.  and on top of that you are making a 2500 mile move?  For Gods sake, I'd still be screaming!  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Take the baby out in the fresh air for a walk, go to the park.  No, it isn't going to get anything accomplished, except maybe give you some peace of mind for a while.  It's hard to get anything done when you feel this bad.

Tell your husband occassionaly that you are going in and take a bubble bath and go to bed early and it's his night with the baby.  It's easier said then done, but you have to come first.  Try to get as much rest as you can, being tired, anxious, and depressed don't lend themselves to being productive.

Do make the list and take one thing at a time, but make sure you are getting what you need along the way.

Deb

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crap - sucks when you are trying to give a person advice and they are like "yo - practice what you preach bee-yotch" ;)   :)   :P   (I swear that is supposed to be funny)  Why is it we are so good at comforting others and giving advice but we hardly take our own?

SS, I don't know you, don't know where you are or where you're going, but if it was close enough, I'd be glad to help with the physical labor stuff...Grew up a military brat, I'm hella good at organizing and packing....*cringe* hope that wasn't too forward.

And while this is almost a joke, it's not, if all else fails, hustle your booty down to ER and have a hissy fit, tell them that you can't cope and the stress is killing you. Hopefully they will give you some benzos or something to help you get by til you get to where ever you're moving to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grew up a military brat, I'm hella good at organizing and packing....*cringe* hope that wasn't too forward.
not too forward at all panz!  (panzer? :)   )  I've taken on a military attitude for this whole shabang. But even soldiers on the front line freak out and lose it. (sorry, rambo, we know you went home and set up surveillance equipment, downed a fifth and cried. ;)   )

the difference is that soldiers have trained officers leading them into battle and giving them unquestionable orders. Where is R. lee ermy when I need him? I will remember to keep the "just do it" attitude. As long as no one gets in my way, it will get done.

  hustle your booty down to ER and have a hissy fit, tell them that you can't cope and the stress is killing you. Hopefully they will give you some benzos or something to help you get by til you get to where ever you're moving to.

I have an appt. w/ the MD on next Monday to see about the Ativan. If I can't make it till then, OR if he doesnt give me what I need, that is exactly what I will do.

riffraff: thank you. I know I must take care of myself.  I'm trying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

;)   :)

I ended up going in the ER on Friday after jumping in my car with a loaded gun.  I fully intended to follow through, but that survival instinct kicked in hard.

after many gruelling hours at the ER I was involuntarily committed to the local looney bin for 72 hours min. (DO NOT GO TO THE ER. go straight to the looney bin so you can check yourself in.) The place was understaffed so bad, they handed me someone else's medication, and left a pile of other people's private medical info papers in my room.. There's a lot more to that happy story, but I'm too tired to type. It was a scary money pit type of place. I am so glad to be home.

Long story short, I know now that I can't end it and I'll just have to live through it.  I figure I need to learn to use the word "NO" more often to the ppl I love, instead of trying to do everything for them and nothing for me.  Things are really up in the air now. and it just sucks donkey dong right now. Bummer. Life goes on.

Drink one for me, huh pal?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

shit...........thank everything you are home.

be safe, roll with it, you sound very 'strong'.

yikes this stuff of yours is testing you big time......pleeeeeeze stay home and remember that you have decided to say NO to folk............if they dont listen/hear you , ask them if it's the N or the O that they don't understand ok?

you

can

do

this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...