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Echo

A stranger to this forum no longer.

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I don't know why I have never posted here. I guess maybe it's because my complex, extremely severe, and at times almost debilitating OCD has been so close to me for so long that I have no questions and have no answers I just have it. I have researched OCD and everything related to much that there are no sites left for me to read, no resources untouched.

I have had no luck getting past it. It is always there. It waxes, and it wanes, but it is always so very close to me.

I feel like I am not me at times. I feel like it has taken grip of my brain and will not let it go. I think about how much time during my day it takes up and how much of my life I spend worrying about it and it makes me sick. My OCD is so intertwined with me that I fear I will never be able to be free from it, not even for a minute.

I can't to anything without triggering some symptom of my OCD. I can't watch a TV show, a movie, the news, or even read a book. I can't go for a drive, or go to the store, or even go to the bathroom. I can't make dinner, or eat dinner, even go grocery shopping. Everything I do involves some thought or action related to my OCD and it is making me insane.

I don't think I really came here for advice for I do not believe anything anyone can say will help me. I don't really know why I am writing this except that I feel such guilt and anxiety and sadness every day because I think and do things that are so god damned irrational and unlike me. These thoughts and actions are so.... well, I guess you probably understand if you are here.

I know why I am doing them, yet I can't stop. I know how the illness works but I can't do anything to fix it. Nothing I do gives any peace of mind or quiet to my constantly buzzing brain. I do not believe I know what true peace and relaxation is. I am constantly going because if I stop my mind will have even more time to mill over subjects and memories I do not want it too.

I don't know what else to say. As much as I know I don't know anything at all and I don't think I ever will.

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I don't know why I have never posted here. I guess maybe it's because my complex, extremely severe, and at times almost debilitating OCD has been so close to me for so long that I have no questions and have no answers I just have it. I have researched OCD and everything related to much that there are no sites left for me to read, no resources untouched.

I have had no luck getting past it. It is always there. It waxes, and it wanes, but it is always so very close to me.

I feel like I am not me at times. I feel like it has taken grip of my brain and will not let it go. I think about how much time during my day it takes up and how much of my life I spend worrying about it and it makes me sick. My OCD is so intertwined with me that I fear I will never be able to be free from it, not even for a minute.

I can't to anything without triggering some symptom of my OCD. I can't watch a TV show, a movie, the news, or even read a book. I can't go for a drive, or go to the store, or even go to the bathroom. I can't make dinner, or eat dinner, even go grocery shopping. Everything I do involves some thought or action related to my OCD and it is making me insane.

I don't think I really came here for advice for I do not believe anything anyone can say will help me. I don't really know why I am writing this except that I feel such guilt and anxiety and sadness every day because I think and do things that are so god damned irrational and unlike me. These thoughts and actions are so.... well, I guess you probably understand if you are here.

I know why I am doing them, yet I can't stop. I know how the illness works but I can't do anything to fix it. Nothing I do gives any peace of mind or quiet to my constantly buzzing brain. I do not believe I know what true peace and relaxation is. I am constantly going because if I stop my mind will have even more time to mill over subjects and memories I do not want it too.

I don't know what else to say. As much as I know I don't know anything at all and I don't think I ever will.

Welcome aboard.  I empathise with your situation. I also have severe ocd - in my case its more the o than the c, but i am almost borderline psychotic on the o. And yeah it sucks.

You have done lots of reading.  Thats great.  If you havent read it already I can strongly recommend a book I am working through called "The OCD Workbook" by Hyman.  Its excellent and very useful.

Also which medication are you on, and have you been to a psychologist for psychotherapy and CBT?

I personally amk on 60mg paxil, 600mg seroquel and 10-15mg diazepam as required, and my meds do really help me keep things under control.

Anyway look forward to hearing back from you.

Chimp

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Hi again echo.

In terms of medical treatment, I was under the care of a GP for almost a year and taking luvox and xanax to treat anxiety and depression.

He was out of his depth and never properly diagnosed me. 

When I finally got a referral to a psychiatrist I was unstable, agitated and very depressed.

My psychiatrist, whom I have been seeing fro 8 months now, is excellent.  He spent 5 hrs across three sessions diagnosing me, and came out with OCD, Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, and panic disorder w.out agorophobia. 

I have also seen 4 other psychiatrists all of whom concur with the diagnosis. 

My p-doc felt that the luvox was agitating me and quickly changed me over to paxil. It was a really good move. 

We also got me off xanax, introduced valium, and then slowly reduced the valium and added seroquel, which I find to be very good.  I still need valium some days, but nothing like before.

In terms of therapy I have been lucky enough to see an excellent clinical psychologist over the past 18 months.  Around 20 sessions.  CBT and psychotherapy.

It helped me a lot.  I am now in remission for panic disorder, although the OCD is permanent unfortunately, and I will always be prone to depressive and anxious episodes. 

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Hello Hello,

It's awful that MI can go untreated for so long because GP's do not diagnose correctly or believe whatever isues are there are bad enough to warrant the introduction of a pdoc or tdoc. I myself went through a long wait period before I finally started recieving the care I needed and when I did finally get there it was not because of help from my gp, I spent months making calls and almost snapping because it seemed like as bad as I was there was no help for me unless I wanted to be put on a 3 year waiting list. Gotta love Canadian health care.

Edited by Echo

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Hello Hello,

It's awful that MI can go untreated for so long because GP's do not diagnose correctly or believe whatever isues are there are bad enough to warrant the introduction of a pdoc or tdoc. I myself went through a long wait period before I finally started recieving the care I needed and when I did finally get there it was not because of help from my gp, I spent months making calls and almost snapping because it seemed like as bad as I was there was no help for me unless I wanted to be put on a 3 year waiting list. Gotta love Canadian health care.

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