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I have a long history of depression. The thing that troubles me now is I've been trying to leave me fiance. I can't do it though, I feel so guilty about leaving. I've just been crying for days and barely leaving my house. I stopped my anti depressants about a week ago. I don't know if I can't leave him because I dont want to or it's just my guilt. I'm the only one working and I go to college, I manage the household I pay the bills, my point is i'm not sure he can take care of himself. He is bipolar and talks suicide when i'm going to leave. I'm so confused and it makes me wish I could just die. I want to be in two different places at once. I want to leave him but I don't. anybody have any advice? Thanks

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Hey.

Hm well for starters, why did you stop your meds a week ago?

Depression sucks, and dealing with your partners depression as well can't be easy.

Do you have a therapist? I'd really, really recommend you get one. They can help you deal with everything, get a little better and discuss whether you want to be with him or not.

So long as he isn't abusive, I think it may be better to not make decisions when you are feeling really terrible. Do you think it will help you get better if you leave him?

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I'm the only one working and I go to college, I manage the household I pay the bills, my point is i'm not sure he can take care of himself.
His well being is not your responsibility. He is a grown man. Why must YOU leave? Why don't you show him the door? Your guilt serves no purpose except to make you feel like shit and to prolong the inevitable. Unless you plan to spend your whole life taking care of a man who won't take care of himself.

Call your psychiatrist and go back on your meds, like, today.

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I left my long term partner in October. He too had issues about taking care of himself and was clear that if I left it would be the end of his world as he knew it. I have a lon standing history of mental health problems, and I was running the household.

My advice would be that somewhere deep inside you, you know really whether you want to leave. Tears and drama aside, somewhere deep down I think you already know what your desire is here. The guilt is a big factor in stopping you leaving, but no one is responsible for anyone elses welfare, you and your fiance are adults, you have to be abel to deal with your own shit first, then help each other. If you know that the relationship is holding you back or making you ill, then you have to find the strength to go.

You will cope with being alone. You will cope with the grief. You will cope with the practicalities of splitting.

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I'm not sure why you stopped your meds, but that probably has a lot to do with crying all the time.

Please go back on your meds, and get with your pdoc if you think they need to be changed. Also, for future reference, if you do have to stop and/or change your meds, you need to go off them slowly; i.e., reduce the dosage a bit at a time and not just stop everything at once. It's physically dangerous, and can also (and more than likely will, and maybe already has) throw you immediately into a depressive episode.

Hope you get to feeling better about things as you figure out your next steps. And as others have said, you are not responsible for your fiance's ability to make a life for himself and take care of his basic needs. Good luck to you.

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You definitely need to go back on yout meds before making this kind of decision. Even if you still want to leave once you're feeling more stable, you'll be much better able to handle the split.

Have you considered going to couples counselling with your fiancee? At the very least, it might help you achieve greater clarity about your decision, and help him deal with it less hysterically.

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Hi kitcat, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I think you should not undertake something that major while you are so depressed. You might be better off focusing on getting yourself better first. I also think that it's possible that your depression is affecting your feelings for your fiance. I know that when I'm very depressed I start questioning whether I really love the people in my life. It does sound like he's dragging you down, though. If he won't do anything to take care of himself it puts enormous pressure on you to take care of everything, which could definitely contribute to depression. It sounds like you need to get your meds straightened out and starting seeing a therapist. They should be able to help you figure out what you want and help you choose your next steps.

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You have to do what is best for you, nobody else.

Sounds selfish, yes. But only YOU can truly put your best interests first, no matter how much a partner, friends, family empathise or suffer from their own mental health problems. You have to look out for yourself.

It's hard to know what you really want right now, I've been in a similar situation - what is worse? The guilt at leaving a vulnerable person? Especially when you know how shitty they feel? Or the need to be on your own, to do your own thing, to have a break away from the life that has been contributing to making you feel miserable?

Here's how I decided - if I get worse, I'm going to make his life even harder than it already is. If I stay, I WILL get worse because the relationship is part of the problem. So, leaving was the best thing for everyone, even the two daughters I loved so much but had to leave behind.

I'm not saying you should leave, I'm not saying you should stay, but I will say that coming off meds can't be helping and you need extra support right now. Meds, therapy, whatever works.

Look after yourself, be strong and accept as much help as you are offered until you hit on the thing that will make your life easier.

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