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and here we go again?


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I havent posted in here for a while, only in my blog.

I am posting here so i dont threadjack.

depression is back, i can feel it. and with force, i mean feeling 'sad' i can handle but honestly i am wondering if its worth going through this all over again.

this is the 'coming down' that i seemed to escape before. a whole month of being ok. it felt wonderful. i felt so free and amazed that i could think ahead - think about the future. now its too overwhelming again.

i take it one day at a time, but i know its all going to hell. just like the other times. It comes, and it takes a long time to go away.

I just want to sleep... forever. but i cant sleep the days away.

honestly ... i hate myself for saying 'i dont think i can do this' every time. but i dont. or i dont want to. i dont think my life is worth it.

and, i'd rather go before everyone figures out that they are supposed to 'help' then realise that they cant.

i think im crying inside. it hurts. and its not hormones. and its not a normal reaction to anything. nothing sad or bad or significantly stressful had happened. damn brain.

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Hi, I am sorry you are feeling so shitty, it is no fun at all going back into a depression.

If you have felt good before, you will again. Yes it is horrible when a depression comes back, and you can see it happening before your very eyes. But having a good period is a sign that it will happen again too, and that is always worth hanging on for.

Have you identified what triggers off and makes your depression worse? For me it is things like isolation, boredom, bad sleep hygiene, poor diet, stress etc. If you have some idea of these factors, you can protect against them and make this episode a little less bad than the one before. You do have some control, you can't control whether you have an episode, but you can episode proof your life so they aren't as bad.

I think when depression comes, it's about being nice to yourself. Making an effort to treat yourself well, take care of your health, keep doing pleasurable things even when anhedonia sets in, staying in touch with your support networks etc.

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Berry, it sucks that you're feeling this way, but I was right where you are now back in December. Look back over my blogs if you like...but I came out of it. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but there IS light at the end of the tunnel, all you have to do is gradually keep heading towards it. It takes time, but you have to try and be patient with yourself.

Keep talking to us, as S9 said to me in one of my blogs - we've all been there, and we came out of it (at least it was along those lines). She's so right.

I've rejoined the human race when I didn't think I had any option but the final solution, but I lived to tell the tale and to tell other people when they're feeling crappy that it can and will change. Hang in there and talk to your Pdoc or tdoc. Tell them how you're feeling.

Hugs

LW

x

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berry,

I'm sorry you feel it creeping in again.

I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I can't do this again" and then thought of letting go.

But I made a decision a few year's back that I would greedily take every piece of my life I could get.

And you know from past experience that the depression comes and then it goes.

Can you see it as weathering the storm? Take each day, get through it however you can and know that you're one day closer to feeling like berry again?

I know it takes strength, but I've seen you display that strength, berry.

PM me if you need to.

I'll be thinking about you.

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As someone who is sinking farther into my own depression unless I FIGHT IT (I have friends who are relentless when I get to isolating) I totally feel ya.

Coming back down IS a bitch - how long does your depression usually last?

tie a knot and hang on!!

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To add to the really good advice posted above, I thought I'd share my mantra I use when I know Im slipping down into depression, or when things seem bleak and hopeless:

This, too, shall pass.

It has a really cool origin - it's from a hebrew folklore about King Solomon. King Solomon said to one of his advisers "Go and find me a ring that, when they look upon it, a sad man is made happy, and a happy man made sad". He thought his adviser would never be able to find such a thing, but he returned with a ring with 'this, too, shall pass' engraved on it.

It's supposed to help remind the reader of the transitory nature of all things, and I find it reassuring and strengthening when Im facing down the brain demons.

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ok, to try to reply to you all at the same time -

i know that it will eventually go away. i guess i struggle with the fact that even if i can reach 'stability' its not going to disappear, and it feels to me like a dark cloud that looms and im just anticipating the next one (although, really i feel 'all better' when i'm hypomanic etc, and this can cause problems too).

I guess the feelings that I get are that I'm just totally exhausted and cant keep myself going through it, even if it is going to go away. or that its not worth it. I cant handle it. But I am aware that things are constantly changing. Because i tend to start taking things just a few hours at a time, and as hard as i try, can't think very far in the future - seeing this pass is also a struggle. But i do know that.

It usually lasts for a few months. I used to be very rapid cycling. few days here and there, and no 'normal' bits in between. Mainly pretty bad depression with irritable hypomania, some fun stuff. As i'm getting older its longer episodes, more intense, more severe. Depression is worse every time, its more like mania or mixed mood rather than hypomania.

I know my triggers are: stress, family trouble and disrupted sleep. It can be a bit of a spiral downwards when i feel like shit, that disrupts my sleep, and it all gets worse.

I am studying for a few supplementary exams (i deferred them because i was too off with the fairies to sit them) but i'm not actually attending any classes, uni hasnt started. I had a friend staying with me and that was challenging but not really that bad. Family came for xmas but we all got on really well, no problems. Usually trouble is with my dad and things have been really good lately. So, i wouldnt say im really that stressed. no family trouble.

I cant really think of anything that would have triggered this except for the general crash and burn that might come after family and friend left. you know how you keep yourself looking fine and then it can only last so long.

im about to go on a holiday with friends for almost a month. which will be fun but difficult feeling like this.

I dont really know what to do. I dont get the type of depression where its sort of self-defeating. my depression is more like - sleep all the time, cry randomly, feel sick and get headaches, dont care about anything or anyone, withdraw from all my family and friends, dont bother with showers or anything, dont bother eating, and nothing is enjoyable anymore.

i have no motivation.

today has been marginally better than yesterday. for that im grateful.

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berry I hope you dont mind but I had just read this and asked my husband to come and take a look...he read it intently and then looked at me and said you just need to take it one day at a time dear...then I told him I DIDNT WRITE THAT he about fell over and said HOLY COW you need to talk to her then ;) thanks for sharing you helped my husband understand what I am going through without my even saying a word. sad as it may be it does bring others comfort to know we are not alone. you are not alone! Keep on fighting through as tough as it may be. someone needs you....we need you!

much love giddyupndown

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To add to the really good advice posted above, I thought I'd share my mantra I use when I know Im slipping down into depression, or when things seem bleak and hopeless:

This, too, shall pass.

It has a really cool origin - it's from a hebrew folklore about King Solomon. King Solomon said to one of his advisers "Go and find me a ring that, when they look upon it, a sad man is made happy, and a happy man made sad". He thought his adviser would never be able to find such a thing, but he returned with a ring with 'this, too, shall pass' engraved on it.

It's supposed to help remind the reader of the transitory nature of all things, and I find it reassuring and strengthening when Im facing down the brain demons.

Thank you for this story, Thunderstorm. It's now written down in my journal... where I write down some of the things that I don't want to forget (but probably would forget because my memory is so bad)!

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Thank you for this story, Thunderstorm. It's now written down in my journal... where I write down some of the things that I don't want to forget (but probably would forget because my memory is so bad)!

It's helped me through some pretty rough times. If even one person gets some strength and solace from it, then I consider it a post well made ;)

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