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What happened to me?


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Um I'm scared to write this because I think that its going to make it come back and happen to me again. I have struggled with PTSD for a long time over two events. I started drinking at 12 years old so I was able to medicate away a lot of things that otherwise would've made me lose it, so I didnt start working on the PTSD things until about a year ago when I quit supressing and finally let it out.

I have a lot of secrets and my therapist felt it was important for me to let those things out, so I decided to tell my husband one of my secrets. As I was telling it, it was like I left my body and I was right back there. Literally there.

I have had flashbacks before, but never where I couldnt bring myself out of it, or atleast had an intellectual acknowledgement that I was in fact physically not back there.

This was different. I had no idea. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and my husband said I just got up and starting running, and tearing at myself. I knocked over our table and broke our lamp but I mean I didnt even feel it, I was gone I had no idea I wasnt just right back where the even took place.

He had to hold me down on the ground for about three minutes before I was able to come back into myself. I couldn't believe what I had done. I mean I just dont know what happened and I am so scared it will happen again.

Am I ok? I mean is this like part of the process. I am crying as I write this because I am so afraid of it happening again. I know I can't go back to supressing because that just makes me sicker but I really dont want to talk about it agian because I am so afraid.

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That sounds like a horrible, brutal flashback. I've never had one quite that bad, but even the ones I have elave me shaky and raw afterwards. Make sure you keep taking care of yourself even now that the flashback's over - as Blue says, it's normal to have aftereffects.

I think it was really brave of you to tell your husband one of your secrets, and then to come here and talk about your flashback. PTSD is a brutal illness, as I'm sure you know.

As to whether or not you're normal, absolutely yes. What I understand from you is that you rarely talk about what triggered your PTSD, and you decided to bite the bullet and tell your husband. That sounds like a really emotional situation, which is fertile ground for a really nasty flashback. I think it's great that you told, but I can see why what happened would have triggered a flashback. So yes, in my experience, it's normal, although terrifying. I think every time you tell your story it gets a little easier.

For me, the first few times I talked about my abuse memories to someone other than a tdoc, it was because I was having a flashback, and I always ended up screaming and crying and getting really PTSD on whoever it was. But now I've found that even though talking about it to outside people upsets me, I don't have the kind of vivid flashbacks I used to. Talking can be healing (and so can the right meds ;) )

Keep talking to us, if it helps. All of us PTSD-ers know what a son of a bitch it is.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am going to tell the story to my therapist tommorow. Im so scared ;) It does help me to sort of unburden myself of my 'secrets' I just am hoping for a less serious reaction. At least I know I will be okay! Thank you for the advice!

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I know it's so hard to talk about this stuff at first. Your tdoc will understand and be able to help you out i'm sure.

It's important to remember they are just memories. If you survived the actual event, you are strong enough to survive the memories even if you feel like you wont.

Let us know how it goes.

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