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I'm seeing my pdoc end of the month. Well, when I say "MY" pdoc, I mean yet another one. They keep chopping and changing, you can't see the same person all the time cos they're mostly locums in my area. Which doesn't help my problem at all. I find it hard to explain what I think, what I feel, and how it affects my life. I forget most of the relevant things, both at the time of the appointment and generally. My memory is shit. Even what I do remember, unless it's pretty recent, I can't remember how I felt or what I thought when I had bad times. Sometimes my hubby talks about "when I was ill" (as in seriously depressed, almost suicidal but not quite) and I have forgotten much of the detail, and I feel like my life is being taken away from me piece by piece cos not only can I not recall stuff I want to, the same goes for the shit I can't deal with, which means I can't get help properly if I don't talk to the same docs who can assess for themselves how I am, what changes there are. This saying "when I was ill" I do understand why he says that, I am not in a serious depressive episode, but I am now up and down like a whore's drawers. I keep missing out words when I type, my typing can't keep up with my head. I've got so many thoughts racing around and can't hold on to them long enough to evaluate them. Sorry if this sounds rambling, but that's me. Rambling on, losing my thread,forgetting what I was just talking about not 30 seconds ago. Lists and diaries don't always do it, you have to remember long enough to get to write stuff, then try to read it back coherently, IF you can find where you wrote it. My last known Dx was years ago, anxiety and defective disorder, my GP writes me off work and the zopiclone scripts, and despite all these STUFF I've lost my thread. Again!

I have had what I consider to be manic episodes, followed by a crash, you know - talking a mile a minute, thoughts even faster, energy levels rising , sociable,full of plans for the future, the odd euphoric high - dancing round doing housework, singing top of my voice.

If it helps - depressed as a teen to suicidal

deluded by "love" in 20s to accept disrespect,controlling behavior, adultery and mind abuse

On meds and treatment finally end 03 after hospitalisation.

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Wow - that sounds like a crummy situation to be in. When I'm scattered like that, I rely on my pdoc to provide some sort of stability/institutional memory, but it sounds like that's not an option for you - your pdoc situation is just as scattered as you feel!

I hear you when you say that you feel too scattered to keep a diary or anything, but I still wonder about mood journaling. If you think you might do better with some structure being given to you, you can use a site like [link=http://www.moodtracker.com/" target="_blank]moodtracker[/link] where (if I remember correctly) it just basically asks you to rate your mood on a numerical scale, and there's space for notes and stuff. Maybe you could try something like that - assigning a numerical value to your mood every day doesn't really rely on your remembering anything more than a general impression of how you're feeling.

The way I mood journal is with an account on livejournal - I have it locked so only I can see my entries, and then I have a couple mini-headings for myself where I talk about how I'm doing each day. Mine are Sleep, Mood, Asthma, Meds, and Overall, where I rate how I'm feeling on a scale of 1-10. Also, if I have a flashback or something happens that's to do with my MI, I make an entry there. That way, all my MI stuff is in one place, and I don't have to worry about losing that place, since it's the internet, but it's still private. Then, before I go to a pdoc appointment, I review my entries for the week and make note of anything I think pdoc really needs to know about.

I do think if you have trouble with losing stuff, Internet is a good way to go, but since you're also saying you forget things quickly, I wonder about keeping a little notebook in your pocket so that you can just jot things down throughout the day. Maybe you could try to make a habit of "checking on" your mood at certain times during the day - maybe after each meal or something. Perhaps if you start to make a habit of checking in with yourself, you'll start to have an easier time monitoring your moods.

I know you're saying that this is something you have a lot of trouble with, but it might be worth trying again - having a mood journal is an invaluable resource, especially when your pdoc situation is constantly in flux. It doesn't have to be a huge, complicated deal, it would probably help even if you just managed to jot down little things like "felt agitated" or something. Maybe you could enlist your husband at first to help you think of things to write down? Maybe not quite as useful as your subjective experience, but probably better than nothing.

Anyway, I hope that was helpful - I know it's horrible to have to do anything requiring concentration when you're feeling scattered and fogged out, but I really think it might be worth a try. The other thing is - the scatteredness sounds like a big deal. Can pdoc (or one thereof) do something about that? Maybe it's time for a med switchup or something...it sounds like your symptoms aren't very well controlled, and that could be a good place to start.



P.S. Just wanted to say something about anxiety. Feel free to totally ignore this if it doesn't feel pertinent to you, but I have issues with anxiety as well, and one of the big issues I have is perfectionism. If I think I won't be able to do something PERFECTLY, I will sometimes not try (I know this is bad - I work on it, but it's hard). With mood journaling, this translated into my not wanting to start to do it, because I was anxious I wouldn't do it religiously every single day. I felt like if I forgot a day or left things out or something, I would feel so bad that it wasn't worth doing at all. Nonetheless, I decided to start, because I felt like I wasn't giving my pdoc a full hand of cards when I went to her having sometimes forgotten most of the week. And sometimes I do forget to do it, or go to write and find I've forgotten what I wanted to say, but I still find it a useful tool, even if I forget a day here and there.

If you decide to try it, once you get over the hump of starting it and into the habit, it might get easier/less aversive. JMHO ;)

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Thanks, reading that post back I can see what a state I get in, cheers for answering without making me feel like a complete idiot! ;)

I liked your suggestions about using the internet, though. In practise it's not always easy to really get into logging stuff, for exactly the reasons you gave - not going to be able to do it properly, so what's the point? Once I REALLY get into how I feel, there's no stopping it. So I feel like I need LOADS of time to do it, especially as when I let myself think things they lead on into eachother, off at a tangent, all around the houses and back to where I started only to realise I've gone the wrong way :)

I guess one of the problems with it is that it's like opening the floodgates. I keep it all in check wherever possible, I can't afford to let it all get on top of me like I did before. I've got too much to lose. If I really get to the bottom of how I feel, it has to be completely worked through otherwise it has a knock-on effect. I can't go to bed mid-thought. I could be up hours trying to get it all out on paper, I won't sleep unless I feel like I've exhausted all my thoughts and feelings. I have three kids to look after and a hubby with his own mental health and physical problems, I can't do it all.

Going through the motions of each day, and them passing by, without thinking about my thoughts and feelings is what I do when I'm able to. It depends on where I am mentally, I have long term ups and downs with these blips inbetween where ANYTHING can happen. Thinking about it, maybe the blips are when I have stuffed so many thoughts and feelings down inside and ignored them that I can just do it no more, and they spill over. I have done the whole therapy thing on and off for years now, and all I think it's ended up doing is confirming to me that I am not the person I wanted, want, or would want to be. And that I can't change that. I've tried, but I can't actually BE anything different than I am. And that's what's getting to me now.

I feel like I've come to a full stop. And I hate the idea of feeling like this for the rest of my life, it sucks!

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That sounds like a crummy feeling - it's really sucky to feel like you aren't where you want to be, and not even know how to get to a better place.

It sounds like you're having some nasty symptoms - I really wonder if a pdoc shouldn't be playing with your meds a little bit more. You say you can't remember enough to tell them what's going on, but if you even brought them your two posts, I think there's definitely stuff there that could be worked on.

About the mood journaling, sometimes if I'm doing something like that, something that is either overwhelming to me, or if I'm afraid my feelings will get out of control, I will set a timer. Perhaps you could try setting a timer for five or ten minutes? I know it can feel scary to try something like that when you're not sure if it will come out right, but I've found it a really worthwhile tool in managing my MI. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but at least you'll have tried.

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God how different I feel today after reading that last post back, I couldn't feel more different but still worried. I am exhausted. I haven't stopped all day, on top of my world, took the kids out shopping, then lunch, then to my mother-in-laws, then back for dinner, washing up, just haven't stopped. Been very bright, positive, full of energy, trying to work out what's made me so different to before. Feel like I'm running on empty now. Had conversations I wouldn't normally have enjoyed, been a different person. The person I want to be. But it's like it's not me. I bet not much of this makes sense, my head is running away with trying to catch each thought... Been Miss Chatterbox today, talking as fast as my kids could keep up with, but my brain was way ahead. What I wanted to say was queuing up to be said. And I felt a bit panicky at the idea that I wasn't going to pull this off, I might be going way over the top, and when will the crash be?

I don't think that's normal.

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I'm no expert, but you sound like you might be a little manicky. Having read your other topics and posts, what I'm understanding of your situation is that you have never been properly dx'd even though you have a tdoc and pdoc, but you suspect bipolar, and the only med you're on is zopiclone.

This sounds like trouble brewing to me - even if you're not bipolar, what I'm hearing from you is that you're symptomatic to where it's impairing your functionality (you're scattered and possibly manic) and that therapy doesn't seem to be helping you much. The latter could actually be a result of the former - some people need to be controlled and on meds before therapy can even put in a dent.

If I were you, I'd try to get a faster pdoc appointment, and when you go, print out your posts and give them to pdoc. I know that sounds embarrassing, but despite your saying you can't properly tell your symptoms, I think your posts in this thread are fairly telling and they sound like something pdoc needs to know about.

Has your pdoc (any of them) ever suggested you may be BP? How, exactly, have you been seeing pdocs and yet not getting properly dx'd? I know it's a struggle, but I think you need to push for a proper diagnosis and a serious discussion about whether some meds other than the zopiclone might be a good idea for you.

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Do you keep a mood chart and/or a mood diary? Both might help you remember and talk to your docs.

A mood chart looks like this. There's a site online called Mood Traker where you can enter info, too. It's free. A mood diary is a daily journal that notes mood, meds, sleep, any issue pertinent to the day. My pdoc likes me to keep a mood chart that also has a little room to note any major events. It's actually useful for talking about how I've been.

ETA: I'd call about getting your pdoc appt moved up. You sound hypomanic and maybe starting to pick up steam. Call Monday, k?

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