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chronically depressed and sick of it


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I began having episodes of severe depression at 19. Several therapists strongly recommended that I seek medical treatment and one even straight up told me I was too depressed for her to help me without medication. I refused every time. Eventually, at 24 I became so depressed that I entered a two year period where I did little except sleep all day and think about how I wanted to kill myself. I had somehow developed a full-blown phobia of medication, so it took something that bad to get me to seek help. I hate it so much that I waited so long to get help, because my brain had kept going through episode after episode, each one longer than the last, and it reached the point where my brain decided to just turn the depression switch to "on" permanently, and now my depression is difficult to treat.

Medication has helped me greatly, and I've even experienced very brief periods of complete remission. But I can't seem to find anything that will get me really feeling well. The tricky part is that sometimes I don't really feel depressed, but I know it's still sitting there under the surface, if that makes sense. What's frustrating is that my pdoc and tdoc seem to think I'm doing really well even though I try to explain to them how it's not quite there for me. Over the past couple of years since I've been with this pdoc and tdoc (they work in the same office) I've seen great improvements in my depression, I have a volunteer position at a wonderful animal rescue organization, and have been learning to play a musical instrument and taken a few classes (haven't been working though). So they seem to think I'm doing just fine.

But everytime I see them (I see my pdoc every three months and tdoc every 6-8 weeks) I bring up my feelings and the following occurs-- Pdoc says: Just keep your meds the same and try exercising, take fish oil pills and vitamin D supplements, do light therapy and yoga (I don't do any of those things because I'm too apathetic) and Tdoc says: You may not be as depressed as you think you are, and look at how you've grown over the past couple of years. I just don't know how to explain it to anyone. I'd love to exercise and all that stuff, but I've just been so apathetic about doing anything to improve my life, and yeah, I've taken up new hobbies and such, but I haven't felt the desire to build on that any further for a while now.

I'm seeing my pdoc tomorrow and ask for my Zoloft to be changed to something else instead of just raising the Lamictal dose higher and higher like he would do. I'm just sick of this hard-to-describe depression and how I can't get my treatment team to take it seriously.

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Sounds to me like there some dysthemia creeping around the edges. Maybe it would help to print ypur post and show it to your treatment team?

My depression is severe but I happen to catch my pdoc appt on a good week. He was so ecstatic fo see me doing so well. He started talking about me going back to work and reducing my meds and this and that. It took catastrophic failure and landing in the hospital for him to realize I wasn't so well. My point is, These mental health pros do definitely have a way of overestimating us.

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No, I'm not hoping for a total "cure," I'm hoping for a full remission that lasts for a while. As in, no or next to no depression symptoms for months, maybe even a year or two. I'd like to be in remission for more than a week at time. It would be nice. That's all I'm saying. I saw my doctor and we worked something out. yay.

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