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Better or more f***** than I thought?


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Lately, I've been seeing things differently. Thinking differently.

I'm either in the midst of an unusually clear hyper manic episode or I'm just getting to grips with being like this. I don't know.

I've only recently begun to think, from my "symptoms", that I might be BP.

Surely such insight into how I am must mean I'm not bipolar though, as so many BPs think they are not?

I am tired of being like this though.

I feel like things are not quite right. I am so tired of being up and down, it's like each up is a false hope of being better. I think I can't ever be better. Yet the last few days I've been, well, not my usual self. Confident, overly so, wanting to do everything, like the real depression is over, but can't get rid of that nagging voice in my head saying "yeah, right, you're still as ill as ever, just more so, and you can't even see it" which just makes me more confused.

Part of me wants to be well, but part of me wants to still be ill, like it explains so many of my shortcomings. I don't want to admit to just being a failure. I have been REALLY ill, and I don't want to believe that I'm now sliding into something even worse than before, but I'm not right. At all. I am struggling and I don't want to suddenly find myself in a worse place than I've ever been. Which is where I've a sneaking suspicion I could be headed.

I have a family to think about. I can't let myself get back there. But I feel powerless to stop it, I have been trying to heal myself for years but maybe I'm just falling short of the mark. Maybe I can't do it. Maybe I am so incapable of explaining how I feel to my pdoc and tdoc that they don't really have a clue what's wrong with me and I'll never find the right medication to help me to function normally, and I'll never be the person I want to be.

I am the queen of putting on a brave face, when needed, and last time it ended in what some would call a manic episode. And hospitalisation. And losing everything. I don't think I can do that again.

I want to forget all this. I want to be medicated to the point of none of this bothering me. I can't let go of the thought that I am not a person I would like or have any respect for if I weren't me. I think I've answered my own question now, but I would appreciate any thoughts from anyone who has ever felt like this. I want some hope, and right now I can't see how to find it.

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Some random thoughts about your post... use them as you wish.

Only a doc can diagnose a bipolar disorder. BP sufferers have plenty of insight into our disease. We know when we are manic, hypomanic, depressed, or when things "just aren't right".

If you are concerned you write better than you verbally express yourself (as I do) print out copies of your posts, journals, writings, etc, for your doctor to read so he/she knows how bad off you are. If they are a rushed sort of individual, write a prepared statement in advance of your appointment and tell your doctor you need to read a short statement to them. I have done this and found all doctors willing to listen.

There is no such place as being medicated where your feelings don't bother you. Well, I guess if you were hospitalized (I was twice, and this didn't happen) they could zombify you, but that doesn't solve anything. You can't be discharged in that state, and then your feelings return. You need to work with your doctor to find the right med dosage/combo for you. I'm on my 5th year of medication cocktails right now, so I won't say it's a simple road.

Finally, no one wants to slide into a place where they feel there is no return. You should see your doctor as soon as possible. There is hope, there really is. It may not be rose petals and rainbows, but it's pretty good when things work out medication-wise.

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