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Sporadic "I Want to Die" thoughts.


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Yup.  Just randomly.  I have been feeling out-of-sorts (well, that's descriptive) but nothing to deserve the "I want to die" thoughts.  I felt so great this morning.  Fabulous, actually.  Now, it just skips through my brain quietly.

Shhh.  I want to die.

Why?

A lost JBella.

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JBella, I don't know either, but it happens to me all the frigging time its like I have varoius programs running in my head, so all at the same time it will be"I love my dog, he's such a clown" and "Wooops! forgot to water the garden this morning " to " I hate myself and want to die" ... all just random like...Weird

I don't have witty answers but I sure do understand.

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JBella,

I totally know what you mean and what you're talking about.  This happens to me a lot these days.  The one good thing is, despite all these random thoughts of "I wish I were dead" or "I want to die", I won't go through with killing myself.  Guess that's why I take the horrible alternative and hurt myself instead.  Bad idea, but it's the only way to "kill" the pain. 

Parasuicide, sometimes called Deliberate Self-Harm, occurs when one mimics the act of suicide, but does not have the initital intent to die or end up killing themselves.

That's me...all the joys of deliberate self-harm...oh the joys of being a Borderline.  I took it too far last weekend and did a real number on my arm.  I'm doing somewhat better now and so are my cuts.  Hang in there.  Just remember, we're all here for you.  Depression sucks great big toe jammy toes!  Stress doesn't help much either.  And believe me, I'm going through all that right now.

I may suck at giving advice sometimes or what I say comes out the wrong way, but I do care.  Just take it easy, try not to let the evil depression monster take control of your life.  *smiles* Just ingore those thoughts.  Tell them to piss off!

Hugs,

Elizabeth

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Me too.  I try to think of them as brain static.  I suspect that, before I ever thought seriously of dying, they manifested themselves as something milder ("I hate myself and want to hide"), and that if I stay well and don't dwell on them, they might recede in time. They're just junk left around from all that bad depression, or a learned stress response, or both, but not a reflection of my true mood state.

If, however, they linger, grow, intensify, turn into plans, I end up getting help, and we usually can find some adjustment that knocks them back a bit.

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Thanks, guys.  I suppose it's due to the unquiet bipolar head.  In retrospect, it probably may be a learned stress response.  Lately, I've had so many people depending on me...  It may have just snuck up. 

I always have the constant music.  I suspect some of you all have that, too.  It's a neverending radio without commericals and skips constantly, but I'm used to that.

But, sometimes, out of nowhere.

I just do want to die.  And then it goes away.  I actually have yelled, "Just shut UP!" before and alarmed people around me, but who cares about them.

Maybe it's my job.

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Oh my goodness, oh my stars!

I always have the constant music.  I suspect some of you all have that, too.  It's a neverending radio without commericals and skips constantly, but I'm used to that.

That is SOOOO me too!  Guess that comes along with the territory with being a Bipolar too.  Not that I mind it.  But the when I come to a verse in a song I can't remember, I get all frantic.  *laughs*

Well, I'm about to do something evil.  Eat some pizza!  I got really hungry for it and ordered out.  Ooopsie.  I'd share with everyone, but you're all at your homes and not here.  *here's some virtual pizza for ya!*

Hugs,

Elizabeth

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JBella, I don't know either, but it happens to me all the frigging time its like I have varoius programs running in my head, so all at the same time it will be"I love my dog, he's such a clown" and "Wooops! forgot to water the garden this morning " to " I hate myself and want to die" ... all just random like...Weird

I don't have witty answers but I sure do understand.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Panz-

You just described it very well. Feeling mildly depressed (melancholy) and random thoughts of suicide just pop up out of the blue. I've been dealing with this for the last 30+ years.

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JBella, I don't know either, but it happens to me all the frigging time its like I have varoius programs running in my head, so all at the same time it will be"I love my dog, he's such a clown" and "Wooops! forgot to water the garden this morning " to " I hate myself and want to die" ... all just random like...Weird

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have to agree.  Panz, you did express some of those random feelings I have quite well in this statement.  It seems to make no sense, but yet it is so real when it happens.

I also have to agree with you too, JBella:

I always have the constant music.  I suspect some of you all have that, too.  It's a neverending radio without commericals and skips constantly, but I'm used to that.

I guess most people said everything that I would have said... I'm sorry, I'm sorta out-of-it  ;) I know all too well, and way too often, for that matter, how this all feels and how horrible it is.  I'm sorry to any and all of you who have to deal with it as well.... none of you deserve it and it sucks that it has to be this way. 

**thoughts and wishes to you all to try and block that intense negative energy**

<3

~Ophelia

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I've got both the random passing death wish and the music.  Currently it's 'Dead Man's Party'.  Could be worse.  Oh no, now it is.  'No One Lives Forever'.  Crap.

Actually it sorta sounds like both.  It's an Oingo Boingo Fest in my brain.

The music usually tends to reflect whatever mood I'm in.  Today was mixed state hell.

Julie

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I had the music really bad when I was on Effexor. So bad that the first time it happened, I spent a good while looking for where the radio had gotten left on low. Now the "music" that I hear a lot just ends up as background noise in my head. From my perspective there are several compartmentalized versions of me...its not like different personalities that aren't aware of each other. Back to the computer anologies...it's like I have various Annika windows alway open at the same time. Each one thinking different things, its just the "go on, kill your self, you're a leech on society" or the "I wanna die, I just wanna die" thought somethims get louder and more persistant then the other ones...I shudder to think what DX that would make me, but it's the way I feel.

Random blessings on all of you  ;)

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This happens to me a lot these days.  The one good thing is, despite all these random thoughts of "I wish I were dead" or "I want to die", I won't go through with killing myself.  Guess that's why I take the horrible alternative and hurt myself instead.  Bad idea, but it's the only way to "kill" the pain

Ditto.  ;)

The music thing too.  Last night it was so bad that I was convinced that I'd left the radio on.  This was in the midst of nasty thorazine-induced dreams in which I kept waking up, discovering I was still dreaming, going to sleep in the middle of the dream, waking up in the dream... you get the picture

So I'm at work having had 3 hrs of horrible nightmare sleep.

And yes, the I-want-to-die thoughts are present and accounted for this morning.

Shit. I hate this disease.  Too much noise inside my head!! Why has no-one shown me where the "off" switch is for my brain?!?!

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Me twelve.  I often wonder if normals have the same problem.  As I sit in my chair at work and get the random "life sucks, kill me now" thoughts or the totally random song snippet, I look around and they are just sitting there.  I wonder what the hell is going through their minds.

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I wondered if this background noise happened to normals, too, Syn, and a while back I asked my pdoc.  He said everybody has thoughts in their heads all the time, but nothing compares to the speed, content, and discomfort bipolar people feel.  He tried to convince me that I had to "tune it out" and learn to "block it out".  Well, that's comforting, NT, and I can do that on a normal day, however, when my brain is screaming, "You need to find a gun and shoot yourself in the head!" for two hours straight at top volume and the only thing that finally shuts it up is 300 mg of Seroquel, I don't consider that lack of self-control on my part.

Yea, we have special brains that don't know when to shut the fuck up.  I do know that ADDer's have a sort of similar prob. My boyfriend (ADD) has a really hard time concentrating because he can't  "keep" thoughts.  Maybe we bipolars can't "lose" them.

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My boyfriend (ADD) has a really hard time concentrating because he can't  "keep" thoughts.  Maybe we bipolars can't "lose" them.

Yikes.  What about those of us with ADD and BP?!  <lol>  No wonder we're confused.

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I'm MDD, not BP, yes have the "I wish I were dead" randomly throughout the day.

I had the constant music while I was depressed and off meds.  for awhile it was dead man's party!  then it was the lonely road song by greenday. Now it (my brain) is empty..

nasty thoughts, go away!    ;)

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MDD here, too, and have had variety show brain since adolescence. On several occasions in the car (it's always more active then) I've reached down to turn off the radio only to discover it's already off.

Regarding the 'I should kill myself now' thoughts, I think they just become automatic over time.

Mosquito lands on your arm = swat it

Guy cuts you off in traffic = "Asshole!"

Bad day = "I'm completely defective and should kill myself now"

One of the features I especially like about my ADs is that I can interrupt the rumination before it gets stuck in my head for hours or days.

Kind of a reverse scenario of the old "This is your brain on drugs" commercial.

Greeny

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I'm just delightfully depressed, dysthemia with frequent interludes of MDE's, what used to be called "double depression".  I also have the "I want to die"/"It would all stop if I died" thoughts, especially the past six months or so and that is why my pshrink is working on my meds.  Sometimes, the thoughts come on when I am already down about something, but just as often, I am doing just fine, driving to or from work and the tears start and I plan to get my guns out and say goodbye.  The week before last, I went home and unloaded my guns after agreeing with my T to do so.  Once again, we have our plan in place for me to call her and go to the hospital if it gets bad.

Tommy

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