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I haven't been doing too well lately.  If anyone has even noticed, I have not been too active on the boards lately (as I was always before) nor have I been to chat in a really long time.  I don't know what is going on.  I am cycling like crazy and my meds just dont seem to be helping...

anyway, I have tried so hard to fight off the urge to cut... really, I have.  Today will/would be 33 days without cutting.  At the office today, I got into a fight with my coworker and friend.  It was really all my fault actually.  I cycled into being really irritable and I just lashed out.  She knows my situation and has always been understanding.  She told me that I am always pushing her away and that there are only so many times someone can push back.  I don't want to lose her.  After that I scrambled in my desk for something I found a thumb tack and ran into the bathroom.  No, it was not my usual razor, but it was all I could find at that moment with a sharp edge.  I sat there tearing until I finally put the tack to my skin and sliced.  It did not do a whole lot - didn't even draw any blood (I didn't realize that the tip of the pin have been bent so there really wasn't that sharp of a tip.... I tried a couple more times and it still did not do much...

Anyway, I feel really bad about it.  Should I count it as me cutting and start my count all over again or keep going from my place now (since the pin really did nothing....I dont know...  ;)

*edited somewhat for stupid errors*

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Ophelia,

This isn't something that makes you a bad person. Luckily, you were not able to get anything sharper. I think the main focus should be the thought behind it. To heal, you have to deal with what the real issues that are going on. Deeper than just yelling at a co-worker. I hope you get it worked out.

We miss you when you're gone

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I wouldn't focus on it as an incident of SI. I'd look at it as an incident which caused strong unpleasant emotions that you had to try to deal with. SI is the "quick fix", and you didn't really accomplish it.

But you really wanted to inflict an injury, and that suggests that you could benefit from learning skills to help you handle your emotions. This is what I'm focusing on these last few months. 

The important thing is not whether you broke your 33 day record (I don't think you did). The important thing is that your feelings can still cause you significant distress.

Can you get some time with your doc? Tell him about this. It is important for him/her to understand the kind of things that trigger this behavior (or even just the strong desire for this behavior).

Try to stay strong. We both know SI doesn't bring anything good with it in the long run. (But I fully understand the lure of it when under duress.)

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Ophelia,

I have noticed you haven't been around lately.  I just now came back on here after a long week of agonizing shit.

I hope you're okay.  Try being a recovered cutter for almost three years and then losing that status...twice in less that two months.  My last cutting episode, as you have read was horrible.

I'm here for ya, babe!  Don't forget that, please.  I don't do the chat thing because I'm horrible in chat rooms.  I just don't have what it takes to concentrate on chatting anymore.  Try having father mock you over what you did and quiet your temper down just to keep the peace in the family.  Or have a sister forget your birthday.  Or stupid shit, like the cats not using the litter pan just because I didnt change it within 24 hours and all and getting so mad you throw a kitchen table and benches.  I've been so fucking stressed out, it's just down right unfair and all my doctor does and give me a choice of three meds that I've been on and have had horrible reactions to.  That, or off to the nuthouse I go.  Plus the order to stay away from my father, knowing full well I have NO food in the house and the only place I can eat is up at my parents house...where I can't avoid my father. 

God, my Dad made a comment to me last night that "Indians used to cut themselves to purify their blood before battles."  What the fuck???  So I retorted with..."Guess I was purifying myself from YOU then."  He shut up almost immediately.  Mom, of course was like, "Would you two just shut up!" and "******, leave her alone!"  For the rest of the evening, he didn't pick on me.

I snap at people all the time and I do push people away all the time.  But then again, I also tend to cling to people too.  It's a merry-go-round of emotions with me.

Just remember, I care.  Truly and honestly.

Lots of hugs and kisses,

Elizabeth

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Ophelia, cutting isn't a crime or a sin, it's response. I'm not full of my usual wit because I'm on 2mgs of Klonipin and 10 of Zyprexa. But Hugs are winging your way. I don't know if comisseration helps, but I'm in the same boat...two weeks since my last SI and I'm struggling to not give in. It's important to you to fix things between you and your friend. It would maybe be a nice effort to write her a little note, send her an E card, buy her coffee...I don't know how close you are, but Friends are all precious things. I noticed that she mentioned that you push her away all the time. It is hard for many of us to become close or except help. I am craptacular as a guru, but sometimes the concept of mindfulness (when youre not raging) can help. It has helped me when I'm on the edge of losing it and beating seven shades of shit out of who ever has vexed me to the burning point

This thing called mental illness, in which ever flavor, is a journey. Stop counting, start living and concentrating on your self as a whole being...we travel on the winding way toward balance in our lives, sometimes we get lost on the journey, sometimes we fall down and go boom., pick your self up, dust yourself off and mostly forgive your self for your self precieved failure ..it was a dull thumb tack m'dear...no blood no foul.

We are all here and most of us understand all too well what your struggling with. Like Elizabeth, chat just makes me frantic and want to bust my monitor

Forgive yourself and find peace in the small things.

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Ophelia, please don't depress yourself even more by focusing on your count of days not cuttting.  Your goal should be to use other techniques to deal with difficult situations as much as possible.  However, I think it is very hard to stop cutting and it is very easy to relapse.  We can't live in a controlled environment where there are no triggers.  I know that in my own attempt to stop SI, I have given into my impulses plenty of times.  These episodes would occur when I was particularly stressed out.  When I do SI, I try very hard to make sure that I won't continue this behavior and be back where I started.

Thanks for sharing about what happened at the office.  I could tell from reading your posts that you were very serious about stopping this cutting.  I think how you handled it afterwords on this board showed how hard you are working on these issues.  Put that tack behind you and keep following the path you usually follow.

Katie ;)

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