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TDoc Appt Today


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Ok, I'm trying to process the appt today. Bit intense for me so bear with me, please!

We talked about my last episode and the suicide thoughts on Sunday. I told him about my feeling that Tip (my dog) "helped" saved my life by literally laying across me so I couldn't get up to get the pills...said it only lasted for a few minutes then I was rock-bottom but decided not to take the pills.

BS, Spike was his answer. Then we really got into it. Bottom line is he pointed out that *I* didn't get up because Tip was on me, it was because I did not want to do it. That I could have gotten up if I truly wanted to kill myself.

He did not said that I wasn't suicidal, only that there was a survivor's instinct that I was not acknowledging. Obviously he knows that I am handicapped, but told me that I could have pushed him off me and gotten to those pills.

He knows that I have the so-called random thoughts of doing it, and he knows about my previous attempts.

We talked about it until I understood that I don't want to die, I just don't want to live this way--the super-duper highs followed by the crash and burn.

I finally took responsibility for my inaction of staying on the couch and my using Tip as a scapegoat of sorts.

In no way did he put down my feelings about Tip, nor did he disregard the love and devotion Tip was showing me. He agreed that pets are lifelines...but feels they do not keep us from killing ourselves. They give us a reason to live because they do not judge us or condemn us. They accept us, period. And this gives many of us that tiny little rope to hang on to when we are hurting so deeply. A reason to get up in the morning, take care of them because they depend on us...but it also can make us feel loved/needed/wanted...and so this circle of love and devotion lifts us in ways we don't often recognize.

Now this post is not about Tip or any other animal/pet.

My head is trying to put into words what is in my heart. It really is true that sometimes we just gotta suck it up and take it one day/ten minutes at a time.

It may not get better for some time, but second by second we are going down that path of more peace...not peace all the time, just more moments of it. And we learn to savor it in ways that others can't.

Do I sound like a Pollyanna?

Well, I don't feel like one! I hurt inside sometimes, I get overwhelmed with frustration and anger and guilt. There are times I want to hurt myself, and, occasionally, someone else.

But I don't have to act on it. And I can look for ways/means to get through those times. He did ask me to call him next time--no contract, etc. Just a very simple question--Will you call me first? See if I can help? I can't help you if you are dead, Spike. If I can't help you, we will find someone who can...

Am I making sense to anyone? It made a whole lot of sense to me. But sometimes I can't put into words/convey the true meaning. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel--heck, I can't even see the tunnel! But in time I will.

I never thought I would stay sober for any length of time, but I have some time under my belt. So maybe if I use the same principles, I can do this BP thing.

Spike

sorry, but I didn't use my Almighty Dictionary so excuse any mis-spells

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Ok, I'm trying to process the appt today. Bit intense for me so bear with me, please!

We talked about my last episode and the suicide thoughts on Sunday. I told him about my feeling that Tip (my dog) "helped" saved my life by literally laying across me so I couldn't get up to get the pills...said it only lasted for a few minutes then I was rock-bottom but decided not to take the pills.

BS, Spike was his answer. Then we really got into it. Bottom line is he pointed out that *I* didn't get up because Tip was on me, it was because I did not want to do it. That I could have gotten up if I truly wanted to kill myself.

He did not said that I wasn't suicidal, only that there was a survivor's instinct that I was not acknowledging. Obviously he knows that I am handicapped, but told me that I could have pushed him off me and gotten to those pills.

He knows that I have the so-called random thoughts of doing it, and he knows about my previous attempts.

We talked about it until I understood that I don't want to die, I just don't want to live this way--the super-duper highs followed by the crash and burn.

I finally took responsibility for my inaction of staying on the couch and my using Tip as a scapegoat of sorts.

In no way did he put down my feelings about Tip, nor did he disregard the love and devotion Tip was showing me. He agreed that pets are lifelines...but feels they do not keep us from killing ourselves. They give us a reason to live because they do not judge us or condemn us. They accept us, period. And this gives many of us that tiny little rope to hang on to when we are hurting so deeply. A reason to get up in the morning, take care of them because they depend on us...but it also can make us feel loved/needed/wanted...and so this circle of love and devotion lifts us in ways we don't often recognize.

Now this post is not about Tip or any other animal/pet.

My head is trying to put into words what is in my heart. It really is true that sometimes we just gotta suck it up and take it one day/ten minutes at a time.

It may not get better for some time, but second by second we are going down that path of more peace...not peace all the time, just more moments of it. And we learn to savor it in ways that others can't.

Do I sound like a Pollyanna?

Well, I don't feel like one! I hurt inside sometimes, I get overwhelmed with frustration and anger and guilt. There are times I want to hurt myself, and, occasionally, someone else.

But I don't have to act on it. And I can look for ways/means to get through those times. He did ask me to call him next time--no contract, etc. Just a very simple question--Will you call me first? See if I can help? I can't help you if you are dead, Spike. If I can't help you, we will find someone who can...

Am I making sense to anyone? It made a whole lot of sense to me. But sometimes I can't put into words/convey the true meaning. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel--heck, I can't even see the tunnel! But in time I will.

I never thought I would stay sober for any length of time, but I have some time under my belt. So maybe if I use the same principles, I can do this BP thing.

Spike

sorry, but I didn't use my Almighty Dictionary so excuse any mis-spells

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you for sharing that.  It totally makes sense to me.  There are times when we feel very suicidal and agitated, but we aren't really thinking of about dying.  We may be feeling overwhelmed by millions of stressors and want to escape from that awful feeling.  When I feel this way, I try my best to ride it out even if it takes months.  Feelings can be very intense and painful.  I am glad that you can contact your doctor when you are feeling like this. Congratulations on your sobriety.

Katie ;)

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It makes perfect sense to me, Spike. The part about going down the path towards more moments of peace feels especially relevant for me right now. Maybe I also have to take responsibility for past suicidal failures (though I don't wanna go there right now). For now, though, it's this: one moment at a time. One day at a time. I have somehow managed to make my life very, very complicated when it could have been simply "complicated." It's overwhelming and brings back old impulses to flip out, to make a gloriously visible mess of things until someone else takes over. Still, I know that's not what I want. Instead I must keep walking... or as a wise little Pixar fish put it, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...."

Eek. Sorry for the personal tangent. Just... thanks for posting, Spike. Thank you.

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Katie, thank you...

I think that is what he was trying to get me to see...that I can ride out these feelings and he would be my backup if they felt too overwhelming.

But he was also stressing--in a very calm manner--that I do have some choices. And I need to exam that and see if I feel less frightened by my feelings/strange thoughts.

He also pointed out that itsy-bitsy decisions that lead me to a moment of peace are valid. He wants me to be in the sun for a few minutes a day instead of just sitting on the patio, smoking and pondering and feeling down. Kind of get out of the shade/shadows...and off my butt. So I tried it. No great action, but it was my willingness that was important. Yes, it was hot but I did it. There was no huge feeling of empowerment, but there was some small satisfaction in doing it.

And I think that's what he was getting at--that these small acts of courage during those down times are valuable and they kind of accumulate. Maybe like filling a reservoir that will help during those times of feeling dried up and useless.

Great strides often come from this tiny things that I can do for myself.

lmnop, thank you also!

What you shared also made sense to me...

In many ways I thought there would a destination that meant I was healed/cured. I sometimes forget that life/living with MI is a journey, and I will run head on into walls at times. And this is true of non-MI as well.

Because I'm MI doesn't mean I should ignore lessons passed on by plain old folks.

They have their own heartaches, different perhaps, but the same in that they are seeking peace and comfort also. So in many ways we walk the same road.

;)   and I really like the idea of swimming, swimming, aka one step/one choice/one decision at a time. Funny how I learned to do this when I was sobering up, but doubted it's relevance with living with BP.

"Fake it til you make it." One AA motto that I could use until I feel stronger. And I don't mean denial, but keep on keeping on. At some point, there should be relief that I did get through another day somewhat intact...instead of putting myself down for not doing it perfectly or with more grace.

Thanks for listening!

Peace--one tiny moment at a time

Spike

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Linda, you can do this!

at times, I've cut it down to ten minutes at a time...you do what you gotta do to make it through the day.

one tear at a time, one terror at a time, one hopeless feeling at a time

if I thought the rest of my life was going to be like this, I couldn't stand it. but we can do for 24 hours (no matter if it is in ten minute increments) what feels impossible for a lifetime.

just my experience,

spike

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Thanks Spike,

I know what *triggered* this episode, and it has to do with my ex-husband and a long drawn out battle for the last six months over our daughter, and issues she was having staying at his house.  (Her teacher at school raised issues about her masturbatiing in class, spacing out) thought it might be sexual abuse, full investigation, CPS came back unfounded, he has custody back.  I don't know what happened, but it has made me feel like a failure and brought back all the ghosts from my past, (did you see my other post).  And I don't know how to get through it, he's a very mean spirited person, (her therapist, she's in therapy to help her "cope" with not wanting to spend the night at his house) said he has some narcissistic tendencies. 

And the court says he has his *rights*, and since it was unfounded, (meaning my daughter wouldn't say anything to CPS), he has his custody back.  (Although currently not taking over nights)

How DO I get through this.  I mean, I have to let go and just love her and do the best I can.  I cannot fall apart, but it's becoming very difficult to hold it together, very difficult.  And the ghosts, they won't go away. 

Thank you for listening,

Linda

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