LogInHere Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 HELLO. Well, I hope I have found the message board I was looking for. So far, I"ve seen: -thoughtful advice -caring comments -intelligent "cussing" (just came from a site that didnt allow "cussing" because....ask me privately. I don't feel safe mentioning it because the reasons they gave was SO hilarious, you might fall off your chair and unintentionally injure yourself. You also weren't allowed to #$%&%$ I like all these things! Wow. And I don't usually like many things right now.... I want to give an introduction of myself. -30 yr old female -Treatment Resistant Depression -BPD (Borderline...) -went through 2 formal rounds of DBT, once on my own, and once in the context of an outpatient program (and, except for the first few weeks, I was EXTREMELY committed...heck, I did it on my own!) -did LOTS of other therapies, alternative, medium, regular, everything in between -took LOTS of supplements, herbs, homeopathics, special drinks Through all that, I still have a very tiny amount of control over my emotions. I get WAY too upset over most everything. Two months ago, I was kicked out of the home (again) I shared with the man my soul (from past lives) craves....needs....loves. Things with him had gotten very bad...yet, at it's very worst with him (after a fight, walking along the side of a dark road, alone, many hours from home...), I am much much much worse without him. And he isn't even the problem. The bolded line above is the problem. If you saw my list of 27 different categories of therapy I have tried over 2/3 of my life, you would understand. I am a firm believer that, for me, my problems are mostly chemical and, in order to experience any change in my life, I need the right chemical. Please....I spent YEARS saying 'I will NOT take the easy way out and expect a drug to fix my problems." Then I started taking them again and thought that drugs, in combination with actually WORKING HARD through therapy, would help me. How many years and how many drugs should one take with NO results?? Here's the other thing: I took a drug, not intended for emotional use, and, within 2 hours, felt: -normal (in that I could CONTROL my emotions!) -happy, but not manic or high -very coherent and with a level of mental clarity and retention I hadn't experienced in years It's complex reasons (not what you think) that I no longer am helped by this substance. But, it helped me to see what life should be like! If the person driving behind you has their brights on, the "normal-appropriate" reaction is, "That hurts. I'm going to pull over so they pass me and then I'm going to continue driving...and not have ANY unkind thoughts toward their grandmothers." If you're friend says "My friend just died and that's why I wasn't able to return your calls for a few days", my reaction when ON this substance would be "I'm SO sorry! Is there anything you need right now?" When off this substance, my thoughts are "How could you? I was suffering and alone and you knew it..."...all the while, I knew I "shouldn't" be upset. So, here I am. I am very very very very much in pain. I very mcuh NEED the pain to decrease...but I am wary of anything I have spent at least 6 months doing, and hasn't brought me ANY relief. In fact, there's been numerous times when I spent lots of time doing a Marhsha-approved behavior to decrease suffering, it didn't do anything for my suffering...but afterwards, I felt WORSE becasue I tried so hard and failed...now, my opportunities for "getting better" are decreasing... I believe that DBT can be a lifesaver for many. I believe it will have a HUGE impact on me once I am on the right chemical (most likely something endorphin oriented). so hello. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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