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All I Ever Needed To Know...


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All I ever needed to know I learned in the first moments of my very first severe trauma. Although I dont remember it, cuz I wasnt even born yet. But who gives a fuck. It would be about the end of my moms 6th month, and my dad has gone on another of his drunken rampages. Against my mother of corse, cuz hes to pussy to actually pick on someone his own size. So there WE are, my dads throwing my mom around on her tummy for like 30 mins, while my ass of a dad gets all his aggression out. This wont be a long, rambling post. Just some of the stuff Ive learned in my almost thirty years on a very good planet with ALOT of SICK people.

Ive learned that I cant trust myself or other people. Not even my own parents.

Ive learned that nine times out of ten, nine out ot ten people will tell you a bunch of shit and then do whatever they like, when they like, and leave you standing there like you never existed in the first place.

Ive learned that immense pain is just a way of life. Physical pain too. But emotional pain that is so deep and severe that you wish you could just cut yourself open from top to bottom to try to get it OUT. (my pdoc asked me if I understood that this would be a form of suicide and I would be dead when done. LOL)

Ive learned that it will never matter how many pdocs, tdocs and xyz docs I go to, they dont know really know whats wrong with me, but they will hand out meds like candy until they find the right 'flavor', no matter the consequence. (I thought about poisening my kids on sat.)

Ive learned that my focus should now be and should continue to be ALONE, but not lonely.

Hey, thanks for listening.

Selene

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Oh Selene, you have been through so much in your life and of all kinds of pain I think that emotional pain is the worst!  No one can see it, hear it or touch it but it is so real nonetheless.  When you had thoughts about poisoning your kids last weekend did you reach out for help, i.e.  crisis hotline, pdoc, hospital or a family member or friend to help you cope?  It is so discouraging to be handed med after useless med, full well knowing that it is all a crap shoot at best, hoping against hope that maybe this med or this cocktail will be the one that really helps.  I don't really have any answers but am mostly just begging you not to give up, your kids need you and we care about you.  Please keep posting in any way that helps, even if it is just to scream or rant etc.  Stay well, Sulu

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Greetings Sulu,

Thank you for your kind words. I really do appriciate them.

The thing is that I know that everybody goes thru stuff that causes pain in their life. Look at this Board. Trauma Trauma Trauma. So I dont want to come off like Im the only one. By no means am I.

(Sorry Im hitting a hypo-mania state)

Now, to answer some of your questions. My way of saying thank you for caring enough to respond.

To start with, my pdoc has come to the conclusion that I have BP. What type of BP I dont know, and to be honest, I dont think at this point, I care. It All sucks. I was dx with this as a teenager, only after they kept telling my mother that I was doing this all for 'attention' and I think they all got sick of me. By they I refer to the numerous docs nurses and god only knows who else I saw for the first three years of my teenage life. So at that point the pdoc (who I could not stand, he told my mom I was delibertly trying to kill her,  and to this day, she will throw that in my face) prescribes lithium and basically said have a nice life. I never got monitored or f/u care. So after so many months I quit taking it. After that no care. No nothing. Then came boyfriend/husband(grrrrrrr) and kids. Three of them. Fast forward 12 yrs or so...Im raising them, all of which im more that positivehave some form of mentally interesting. The afore mentioned bf/hubby/thinging comes around when hes run out of money and can no longer buy Ice for his (ill be nice) g/f.

What the hell was I trying to do now? Oh yea, answer questions.

Hmm. Well after going cold turkey off of everything in June, and then putting myself back on everything (see below for list of 'everything'.) I saw pdoc. I love my Pdoc. He got such a zen way about him. He says you have BP with some kind of cycling and mixed state, blah, blah, blah. I roughly translated it as HELL. He kept me at 150 effexor XR and threw in some trileptal for good measure. Yeah right. Rewind to last saturday.

Nervous, psychotic breakdown. Wanna kill myself, wanna kill myself, dont want to do that to my babies. Hey! my brain said, "give them lots of your meds too" Kill two birds with one stone. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Fastforward like 2 seconds after having the thought. OMG. Eating Klonopin like candy. Calling everyone I know. Shaking. Crying. Friend (ummm, to be seen) comes in to shop (metaphysical retail) and says go downstairs you are freaking out. Well DUH!

Downstairs. Talking to bf. Gotta go to the hospital honey. How come you cant just come stay with me. Taking every pill I can get my hands on. Hospital.

He picks me up. I go home with him. Wakes me up every 2 mins. Makes me answer questions and look INTO his eyes.

Oh God, cant I just sleep. "NO"

Monday. Admitted to psych ward 48 hr. hold.

Dr. Lee, treating pdoc. Saw me after a really nasty Od last year.

Oh Good. Med change.

Zoloft

Depakote.

Zoloft? Mad Lord Jerod (bless his heart) says absolute worst med for BP. Zoloft. Ok fine. whatever.

Does that answer any of your original questions?

If not, Im sorry. Ill try again later. All of my circits are currently busy.

Have a super, fantastic day!

Selene

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List of 'Everything"

Paxil CR Hated it

Celexa

Welbutrin

Effexor XR

Serorquel

Ativan

Klonopin

Trazadone

Lithium

Zoloft

Trileptal

Cymbalta

Depakote

In no particular order of course.

Dx's

BP

Unipolar depression

Major Mood Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

Gad w/ Panic attacks

Ad/hd (gee? ya think?)

God I hope nothing else.

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Selene, don't worry about how much others might be going through on this board at present, lots of time for that when you are feeling better.  Right now, your number one priority is you and you have gone and are going through hell.  Glad you got to the hospital even though it might have been miserable maybe it saved some lives huh?  Is it possible to see the pdoc that you like again and ask him to go over what has been happening and the list of meds your are currently taking and have him explain what is supposed to be doing what and see if perhaps something can be changed or tweaked?  Please don't feel you have to reply if you don't feel up to it, I just wish I could do something to help you feel better.  When you feel up to it, please post and rant or whatever helps and we'll be here to listen.  Take care, Sulu

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hi selene,

for starters, yes, everyone goes through pain in their life. and yes, there are almost endless accounts here of traumas people have suffered. you DON'T come across like you're the only one. but what if you did? so what? your trauma is heart-wrenching. truly. and it has left you with terrible ongoing pain. emotional pain. like sulu says, that is the pain that can stay the longest and hide inside and be difficult to figure out.

so we are talking about your history here. your trauma. not someone else's. you don't have to try to gauge your own story against other people's. your story is a tragic one. (and if this needs to be said here, YOUR pain, YOUR trauma is completely valid and should in no way be dismissed as 'just more trauma' here. it is yours to deal with. and it is real.)

thank goodness that your risperdal is doing you some good. if you don't mind my asking, are you getting therapy in all this? you mention your pdoc only in regard to meds. does he counsel you? what about a tdoc? group? i know that therapy can seem like the stupidest idea in the world when you're feeling so profoundly screwed up. but even if the result of the therapy is to start you crying. that is a start. i have had many people in my group start that way. it is not uncommon.

certainly your meds need work. that's obvious. duh! but it sure sounds like you could benefit a lot from some skills groups like i have. and also some general support.

like sulu says, please keep us posted.

take care,

grouse.

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Hello Grouse,

Yes, I recieve counseling on a somewhat constant basis. I work with a tdoc thru a local clinic.

I love her, so dont get me wrong, but shes new to her craft and I think her experiance and her fantasy about what type of tdoc she wants to be have not blended together yet. She has started me on half ass dbt and cbt therapies, but has not pushed them as a way to help me cope better. She's very reluctant to explore my past truama's in fear of me bringing up something that isnt real. I have some very strong suspicions as to the type of abuse I may have experianced to be left in the emotional crippling space that I find myself in. I dont think that you get mentally abused by a few people in your life and deal with the range of crap that I find myself swimming thru.

I resonate heavily with all things BPD. Which of course leaves me asking myself what 'other' types of physical and possible sexual ordeals have I had that I just dont remember. Or maybe I dis associated to the point I dont remember even when I could have been old enough? Or perhaps I was way to young (pre-verbal) to speak about it much less remember. This is the theory that I have sort of swayed to as I have gotten older. But I have no real basis to base my life on it cuz it is intangiable.

This is a story that I have heard forever from my mom.

She came home one time from work when I was about 7 months old. She found me screaming and crying, albeit in that resigned sort of way that babies do after they have cried and cried and no one listens. I was covered from head to toe in my own blood. Upon further examination, she found on me numerous deep and long cat scratches that went the whole length of my body. After speaking to my father about it, she learned that one of his 'friends' had come to visit bringing a stray cat with him. My dad and his friend had proceeded to get totally smashed on the umpteenth pack of beer, and the cat had gone exploring and found me. This is the story that has been relayed to me by my mother. Ive never even asked my dad, and dont plan to. I learned in my own time through a serious of extremely painful experiances that my dad could care even less than my mom if I was bleeding to death in a crib.

Do I hate cats? No. Do I have questions about my dads ability to 'watch' me when I mom went to work? Hell Yes. Do I have intuitions and assumptions that I suffered far worse types of abuse at the hands of my father as a yound child? Hell yes.

But what does one do? Shit happens. Alot. Sometimes I dont even want to get out of bed and face anyone. Sometimes I have so much energy and alertness that if I dont 'share' it I will explode.

If I can get thru this day, today, then Ive accomplished something. Even if it is to live in spite of a overwhelming desire to not be here, or anywhere, at all.

Blessings

Selene

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  • 3 weeks later...

Depression is a BITCH.

And its back and in full force.

This BP thing is not all its cracked up to be, im tellin' you. When do you get to be 'normal'. Or is that just a pipe dream. Maybe normal isnt the word im a lookin' for. I Think functional fits the bill much better. When do I get to be functional.

So like, thats all I got for now.

Bubye

Selene

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hi selene,

have you talked to your tdoc about all that you've said here? like your fears about having suffered traumas while pre-verbal? and suspicions that you've dissociated events so completely that you've forgotten them?

as nice and everything as your tdoc is, perhaps you might ask for some input from another tdoc at the clinic? someone with more experience? as mental patients we really can be woefully dependent on our therapists in ways that are truly terrifying. talk about an obstacle to a fully open discussion of one's problems.

i don't by ANY means want to suggest that you are not BP, but i just want to mention that a few months ago i would have sworn that i was BPII (as would have many of my friends here). but after looooong discussions with my pdoc and tdoc i would have to agree that i am most likely not. that i have major depression as they had thought. but i want you to know that i was completely convinced of being BPII. so i guess i just want to put in a little word of caution to you about self-diagnosis.

as for depression, oh my god yes i can fully relate to you on that one. i really feel for you in going through your depression right now. if you're in a bad one though your meds really are not working well for you - as if you need me to tell you that, but sometimes it does kind of help to get a little confirmation about these kinds of things. my meds are certainly not doing great for me. i am often quite triggerable although i've been doing quite well for the last couple of days and haven't been easily triggerable at all.

hope you make it through this depression soon.

grouse.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Aloha Grousemouse,

I love your chocolate 100 mg as part of your med management. I got a laugh out of it.

Actually the depression has not come back full force. I keep thinking it is, and then I just stable out. Good thing. Since they switched my medication things have been pretty ok.

My tdoc works out of a local health clinic and as such, she is the only one that works there in that capacity. I have other support services in place from a different local agency, but have not asked for a different tdoc. Dont know why I dont, I just dont.

Yeah, the BP dx thing. Who really knows. Its just a label anyhow. Im labeled with many different things. I was dx with BP as a teenager too. And actually Ive been more depressed (or in the depressive spectrum) for most of my life. Alot of the BP and BPD I see going hand in hand. The BP is prolly more biological and the Borderline is prolly more enviromental. God knows im like the poster child for the invalidating childhood environment. I dont really know whats more important in the end (and there is an end, thank the higher powers that be!). Do I focus on the dis-ease or the cure? Lately Ive been looking at the cure. Or trying to.

I recently cut all contact with my mom. That has helped alot. And the guilt (yeah, she was damn good) has been fading. It took alot to get to this point. But Ive lived with her abuse all my life. She will not change. And she inpacts my life in many negative ways. Shes a child. But shes an adult and should learn how to take care of herself. At the very least, I wont indulge in her abuse when it hurts me and my kids so much. She will just have to deal with it.

Its a big, scary step, but benefical thus far. Hear, hear to getting better!

Selene

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