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Bipolar? Sure, why not.

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A little rant about my woes, the cause of which were rencently given the label of bipolar applicable for some indefinate amount of time considering my impression of others experiences with the mental healthcare community.

I can't keep a job. I have never been able to keep a job.  I just quit my longest running job of 9 months.  Which surpasses all my other jobs by at least 4 months. Now I'm looking for a job and I have no idea what I am supposed to do.  I kept my last job so long because I was only working 16 to 20 hours.  They upped my hours, I went down in a flaming ball of rage induced fire.  I have anxiety and do not work well with others.  In fact, I can't stand others. (last job involved dealing with only one other person at a time and my mood swings killed that one.)  I have no skills aside from things I am no longer able to do.  What kind of job can I do?  Everything I think of is shot down by some issue that I have.  I cannot get disability as I have barely worked.  I found that I may be able to draw from my mothers ss as she died last year, however, I would have to prove that I was disabled before a certain age, and while I was, have no documentation to prove such. 

I have no insurance, no job, no money, and form my viewpoint, no options.  I am going to school but that will take another year.  The only reason I can handle that is because I only have two classes at the school and my teachers so far have been flexible.  I inform them that I have issues and may need to leave or take breaks randomly, and they say ok because I pay their salary.  Jobs are not so forgiving.  I got to go home early from school because I didn't handle my lorazepam too well. yay.

I was taking part in a clinical study for bipolar depression because it was free and I was desparate, but they kicked me off a few days ago because it wasn't helping and I was having suicidal thoughts and such. Now they stuck me on lamictal and lexapro and my head  feels like it's going to explode, my jaw hurts like a bitch and I can't sit still or sleep and I just keep talking and talking and talking and I just get a blank stare.  And I'm only getting that for a few months and I'm going to have to figure out something else to do.

I am so fucked.  Right now I feel that all this medication is going to do is piss me off.  Even if this medication does work I don't remember ever being any other way and I'm afraid I will feel alien to myself.  And if it does work, will it allow me to get a job. 

It is a rather rhetorical post, really.  I don't expect anyone to have any answers.  I'm just certain that everyone I talk to is really tired of hearing my crap.  I've been heading around the site and board for over 12 hours now.  What I'm looking for isn't on the interenet though. It's not that I have questions, I just don't have answers.  My ability to pretend I can function comes and goes as it pleases and it just went.  I have the ability to do anything but am incapable of doing anything. 

Pardon any grammatical or spelling errors.

2 points if you actually read all that shit.

Yes. I would like fries with that.

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Ok, I'm new here, and I don't have answers to your questions regarding meds, but I do want to offer this:  my p-doc told me today that the driving force behind depression is hoplelessness, and with the meds, it will get better.  I just have to trust that, and believe me, I'm not one to trust.  I do not have health insurance right now, stress about paying for t-doc, p-doc and meds - if it weren't for my fiance, I'd by screwed right now, because I'm not working either!  (And because of depression, I'm scared he's going to bail any day)  And that makes me feel like doo-doo.  (Sorry if too much about me, just trying to say, I can relate - you're not alone)

I can't say I know how you feel, because I'm not you, (how profound, huh - brain on lamactal) but I can tell you this, it sounds like hopelessness to me, and part of the disease of mental illness.  I say stay on the meds, (and I don't know about this, no expert), but it would seem to me that our government should have a program to help you stay on them financially if you can't afford them after the study prescribed med's run out.

I don't know if this helped, but I read your post, and by the way, I feel the same way about people being tired of hearing me talk, but you know what, that's the depression talking back to you.  Don't stop talking here, it's reaching out. 

I wish you some much deserved peace of mind,


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Ok, I'm claiming my two points.  You better go get more to hand out today.

I think you will find the Lamictal will help greatly in smoothing things out.  Only thing is you need to have a little patience and hang in for a few weeks while titrating upward. Can't tell you anything about Lexapro.

A year to go to complete school sounds good.  An achievable goal.    At least you can use your student-hood as an explanation for the many jobs, and sell those as "breadth of experience".  ;)   Spin, it's all a matter of perspective.

Hope I'm not being to trite this morning.  Press on with getting a good med combo while you have coverage. There are tips on this board about getting free meds till you finish school and get a regular job.


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I second A.M. on the lamictal.  It starts out a bit jittery and stabilizes better at higher doses.  Just go slow; you want to avoid the really nasty rash. 

Aches have gone away for me a few days after every increase, and have been less as I've gone up.  I'm at 200 now and feeling great. 

Might the combination of starting effexor and lamictal at the same time be making you extra jittery?  Possibly.  If it goes on more than a few days, call the clinic and make sure you talk to a pnurse or pdoc.  You might need a little something to make the transition to these meds easier.

Hang in there--you wouldn't believe the improvement lamictal can make in your life if it works for you!

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