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Public humilation sucks...


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but I do.

today, I go into the corner tavern, ask for my usual, no one serves me, finally manager comes up says "unfortunately we can't serve you here b/c of the incidents.." I'm like wtf??? What are you talking about? She says "you left a watch battery for a tip" and I was like um...no. I don't even own a watch and I ALWAYS tip well b/c I suck at math, maybe someone took my tip off the bar when you weren't looking, or maybe there was some sort of piece of my old phone in my pocket, and it is POSSIBLE that I may have left that on the bar WITH your tip but I WOULD NEVER ever fuck someone over like that, b/c I live off of tips as well. She goes on to say, "well, you accused the bartender of stealing" and I again said no, no, what happened was I THOUGHT i had money in my pocket and didn't and went back in later to ask if I had left it there ON THE FLOOR, and I asked the bartender if she had picked it up NOT ACCUSING, even saying "did you see if my friend with the long hair picked it up", I even made sure to call myself an idiot and say I do stupid shit like leaving it there. And of course I apologized like mad and said I felt terrible that I made this waitress feel accused, because I never try to hurt anyone and I left 15 dollars at the bar because I felt so bad, and I feel angry because I DIDN'T FUCKING DO ANY OF THIS SHIT!!! I always tip well, and I'm fucking poor. But my head is telling me "you're a piece of shit, your friend saw this happen, your professor saw this (he was there) and now everyone knows what a piece of shit you are" and I know this is overreacting but I really feel like I don't deserve to go to work tomorrow, I should make myself get fired because I don't deserve a job because I don't deserve to have money if I don't know how to spend it or keep it, and I feel like everyone in town must think I'm some disgusting fucking piece of shit who can't even act like a human, and what's pathetic is this happened at 3 o clock and I was GOING to eat dinner at this place but I lost my appetite and just left and drank a six pack so I could be calm to go to class, so I went to class drunk and didn't say anything, and I have to finish this paper but I feel like I should just stop going to the class because I'm such a fucking loser that I don't even deserve to get a reccomendation to a phd, and I feel really attacked and shit because really, I swear, I didn't DO anything that this manager accused me of doing and I just feel like everyone who ever said anything bad about me was right, I was thinking about killing myself on Sunday but said "no, hold out for Bloc Party on Friday you'll have fun" but now I just feel like I don't deserve to live so h ow can I deserve to go to this show on Friday? I feel so humilated/ashamed/guilty, but I know I shouldn't feel guilty because I didn't do anything but if someone "better" than me thinks I did then it doesn't really matter if I did/didn't do anything because I suck so much that my opinion/thoughts/reality means nothing when compared to my betters. I really can't wait until I fucking die....

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I'm sorry you had to go through this shit, you DON'T deserve it.

Your ILLNESS tells you that you will be seen as this piece of crap by people "better" than yourself, which isn't always true. Yes, someone who doesn't know you might think "whoa, what a weirdo" or whatever, but people who know you won't. Give them credit for being the *intelligent, better* people you regard them as, they are not morons any more than you are. They'll see that it's a weird thing to have happen, but won't automatically think, oh yeah, not surprised at all... And the people that don't know you? Screw them. You've got better things to do than worry about shallow minded nosey parkers, right?

I read your post about being angry, but wasn't in a place to answer it properly. That put together with this stuff here, well you have good reason to be. But my advice is to try and turn that anger around and direct it AT YOUR ILLNESS, rather than yourself. Even if it doesn't change how you feel about yourself (not deserving, failing, all that self-destructive crap your mind wants you to believe) it might act as enough of a distraction for a short while to get through until you can next see a doc. Sorry I don't remember whether you have a pdoc right now (my memory is shite) but whatever helps, yeah? I identify with so many of your angry feelings, and those worthless feelings, and the whole "wish I could just hurry up and get it over with" crap.

I just wish I could offer more practical help, but I wanted to say that you are not worthless. For a start, how many people might read your experiences and feel less alone, less abnormal, and feel brave enough to seek help? None of us are dispensible. I have to keep telling myself that too. It ain't easy, and this whole illness SUCKS. We have to stand up to it and say NO FUCKING WAY are we going to let it win.

I hope you are feeling calmer now, and that you can find some ways of dealing with your prof without thinking about that whole incident and feeling bad. Let us know how you are.

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