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Guest luli2545

Hi,

I'm writing because I think it might help...I'm just low low low.

I wake up, self talk: Im gonna feel low forever, that's scary & miserable

I'm on 225 effexor which worked for yr & half, had a July with stuff that might not have bothered someone without depression but I have depression and I pulled in shut down, house is a huge mess, when I look at house and me smoking too much I just get overwhelmed & think this is just a huge mess and I'll never get better and never feel good again (self talk) never be able to quit smoking, be healthy etc.

I get to see pdoc Tuesday, only seen her twice since old pdoc whom I had for 5 yrs moved...

I'm kicking my butt for feeling like I can't take care of myself, or don't like myself enough to take care of myself? Afraid of spiraling down. I have tdoc but he's sort of....I dunno, and I'm afraid of getting new tdoc, like, maybe my reservations about tdoc (thinking I should get new one) are part of depression (like firing him because he's not good enough, and then being without while finding new one, very scary) I don't trust my motives for firing him

I have gotten some help from him at times... so I don't know.

I just hate what seems to be a stuck place of feeling like things aren't working, I make sure to have protein/food in the am, water, juices during the day, so as not to sabatage myself...have low energy a lot, blame the smoking,

I can't write witty or pretty on this site and sometimes I won't post since I can't write as well as other people. Like what's with that, another way to separate & not reach out.

I'm just low, low low and I dunno, just reaching out, feeling stressed and bad, sort of mad like I've been dealing with this shit forever (being depressed) and how come I feel like I'm bottoming out again, blech I know I don't "ALWAYS" feel like crap but it sure feels like that when I'm in it which I am and have been lately

Luli2545

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Guest PinkToo2grrl

Luli,

I am SO sorry you are in the pit right now. Try and hold on to the fact that life runs in cycles, and this too will pass.  I talked to my tdoc about this.  or someone. and they pointed out to me, that while it feels like we keep coming back to the depression,  everytime we come back to it, it is NOT the same depression, it is not the same US.  We change, life changes, and we should (as much as i hate the word should), try to not beat ourselves so much.  It's just part of the cycle of change.

We keep coming back to winter, and as much as *I* personally HATE that season, i remember it's only a season.  that it doesn't last forever, and that it is part of the cycle, and needed, needed to let the plants rest before bursting forth with new life in the spring.

For me, depression comes to me as a message, a reminder, to pay attention to my life.  What am I not doing for myself?  What am I not attending to?  I find (and I have been on this ride for some 30 years) that it's my alarm clock, my warning system for when i stray too far off the path, OR when life's circumstances push me too far from the path. 

in someways, if i look at it that way, the depression is a blessing, as long as i pay attention to it, ask the questions, and do the work to get back on track, it keeps me from going too far astray.

it's only when we don't pay attention, and ignore the signals that depression can have any control over us.

I see you asking the questions, reaching out, doing the work.  That says to me that this is temporary, and that you will get through this.

I have never had children, but I have a dear friend who compares psycho-spiritual work to childbirth.  If you follow that analogy, these are labor pains you are going through, in the work of re-birthing yourself into the next cycle of your life. 

I know you have been through a lot of pain and loss recently.  That's part of the cycle too, and I can tell you from personal experience, that a cycle of so much loss, is inevitably balanced with a cycle of new growth, new life, a birth.

hang in there through the labor pains.  as most mom's say, they wind up being worth the pain when all is said and done.

be good to yourself,

pinky

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Luli,

Your depression comes through very clearly in your post. Effexor lost its effectiveness for me after about a year and a half. Dosage increases didn't help much.

house is a huge mess, when I look at house and me smoking too much I just get overwhelmed & think this is just a huge mess and I'll never get better and never feel good again (self talk) never be able to quit smoking, be healthy etc.

Yup. Even though I didn't feel as bad as when I first started Effexor, when it started pooping out, that is exactly how I felt. No energy, no purpose, no joy, and everything just too hard to deal with. Couldn't keep house, couldn't pay bills, stopped cooking, etc. I just couldn't see how I was going to be able to keep up with daily life.

Good timing on the pdoc appt. Please discuss how you're feeling. Tell her EVERYTHING. Sounds like it's time for a med change. You CAN feel better than this.

Don't give up. We're here whenever you need us.

Greeny

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Guest luli2545

Thanks for answering, Pinky & Greeny,

Cool colors!

I want the perfect permanent fix. I want the perfect med. I want the perfect support group. I want the perfect me.

It is just so shitty. I mean I think depression is shitty and I don't like having to take care of "it."

but if I don't take care of it, I don't take care of me.

Pinky, you're so right on about straying from the path... having depression hit again and it's, huh, what the fuck is this? It IS a message about something I'm doing or not doing to take care of myself. It is not a good thing.

I did two good things: blabbed & cried to a friend who is quite kind, but very much independent, can't afford to let me fall apart on her (move in would be cool, but that is a fantasy; she has MS and has her own life to really be careful of)

Anyhow, I think that was the two good things above, blabbing & crying and carrying on.

I listened to a tape someone gave her; the guy was cool (Bob Earl). Talked about not paying a whole lot of attention to his mind, as his mind was real good at adding 2 + 2 but didn't have much of a clue about his healing. but he sounded so ok with himself that I wanted to run out and find out who his therapist had been and sign up for a ten year contact/contract. But it was helpful to remember that my mind has some very bad places in it. "Don't go there," (in my mind) about the ex husband phoning last night to speak to our son, he was so cold, "Is Mark there" not hello or anything. Like what the hell is that supposed to mean? I guess we are not "friends" after being divorced 4 years and out of court for about one (it dragged on). Anyhow just don't go there, about him, losing the family we had (whine whine) but it's like things happen like his phone call and then I am back to feeling just a shitload of victimy & guilty & fearful things, which boil down to I'm Bad. Somehow through the whole stupid process I wind up feeling like I'm the bad one? And that goes back to the core therapy stuff  of I'm the bad one, or just, I'm bad.

I just wanna feel like an ok person with depression. Like, I am not my fault. (that was on the tape) Like I asked for depression? My weird family?

Here's my goal: Luli (me) I am perfectly human, I am ok, there are things for me to work on more, but I am entitled to feel ok about me at least 51% of the time if not more. I never killed anyone or ..... there is nothing I have ever done bad in my life to deserve the truly horrid head state I have. Nothing.

Anyhow, maybe it's better to feel twinges of anger about things than the numbness & tightness of depression/anxiety. Twinges of anger and some tears.

What the heck. I hate changing meds; I cried daily for 2-3 months going from serzone to effexor. I do know how to add the prozac or other mitigating drug I think and I will be sure to talk to Pdoc whom I see on Tuesday.

Thank you so much, this is so fucked. I bought a bunch of ensure(protein drink) to make sure I don't add malnourishment complications to my mood fuckups.

Luli2545

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Guest luli2545

It's just that it is so fucky scary.

I hope it is what Pinky said, it goes in seasons, that it will pass (but not without me doing all kinds of stuff I don't know will work) Maybe that is the fear, that I'll have to keep searching out what to do and none of them will work. That is depressive thinking, right?

Luli

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Right!

See, you are right about something. That is a start.  I am glad you are getting help before you sink to lower pits. Good for you for recognizing now is the time. There is no GOOD time, but sooner is so much better than later. That means you will be feeling well sooner.

You sound like me, the first tdoc I had (he was great) told me after a few sessions that I was the most insightful patient he had ever encountered and all he needed to do was reafirm what I already intuitively knew. Maybe that is all you need, because you sound damn intuitive for being in a bad place.

I want the perfect permanent fix. I want the perfect med. I want the perfect support group. I want the perfect me.

Perfection is over-rated.

Besides, I think the perfect person, would be someone who accepts themselves unconditionally. Not as easy as it sounds is it? Im still working on it too. Love yourself first.

CC~

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PS I didn't want that to sound like some odd bragging bitch post, Because I thought the tdoc was out of his mind at the time as I didn't feel very "together" or intuitive, (obviously or I wouldn't have ever gone). He seemed to trust me when I didn't trust myself. That through me for a loop but made me want to live up to his expectations, lord knows I had none for myself.

Just wanted to say that~

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest luli2545

Well, back again for update,

Added depakote back into effexor...some better with anxiety, don't want to feel numb but I only felt that years ago from high dose of depakote....pdoc said, lots of people with mood disorders cycle, maybe you do cycle, it used to help you, so start with 250er for a week then add the other 250er so will be doing that, getting to 500er....no side effects so far....

That little kid inside me just wants to be taken care of by someone ELSE, hah. I've talked to her lately and assured her she'll get what she needs, we're working on it, and her instantFUN can happen after we take care of a few things. Ahem. Like meds. Like eating. Like clean work clothes. And fun too. Thanks so much for writing back,

Luli (& little Lulu)

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