onemoth Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 Well... I haven't officially been diagnosed with anything, mostly because every time I try to drag my sorry arse to the doctor's I have a panic attack and throw up. Very useful. I think I'm hoping typing some of this out will help me collect my thoughts enough that I don't vomit all over the NHS's pristine floor. For the last few years I've been having mood swings that have been getting progressively worse. It's definitely escalated since I was raped early last year, to the point where I'm having hallucinations and not sleeping properly for weeks at a time. The trouble is that somehow I've convinced myself that having hallucinations is perfectly normal. Of course I know it's not, but it's very hard to argue against your mind when it's yelling 'it's okay to see the face of the guy who raped you appearing on every damn person you see! It's okay that you smell the perfume you were wearing that night even when nobody else is around! It's all completely normal, nothing to worry about!'. So far as moods are concerned I've been up and down for quite a few years, but it's only in the last year or so that the weirder stuff- the hallucinations, panic attacks and stupid behaviour- has popped up. I'm finding all pretty exhausting, especially since I started university last year. The trouble is that I know, really do know, that avoiding getting treatment is quite dangerous- manic depression runs in my family, and has led to quite a few deaths- but I just can't admit to myself that there's something really wrong. I'm so good at covering up and pretending that I don't think my friends have realised quite how bad it's got. I do things when I'm manic (or whatever else I should call it) that I'm genuinely ashamed of when I'm back to normal, and downright distraught over when I'm depressed. I had an affair with a married man early this year- that's not me, and it's not something I ever thought I'd do. My sex drive just shoots through the roof during my 'up' times. I also tend to stay up for very long amounts of time because I get obsessed with an activity. For a while it was poetry (in massive amounts), then baking, then sewing. Spending money I don't have is pretty much a given (thanks very much to whoever invented the student overdraft). See, reading back through this it seems pretty bad. But right now I don't feel that bad. I actually feel great. Which deep down does worry me (especially since I crashed pretty hard about a month ago, but seem to be on the up again now). But going to the doctor just doesn't seem... feasible? Also I don't have much of a support system- while I've got a lot of close friends, I'm not the sort of person who asks for help. I give help, and I support my friends, but when it comes to my own problems black humour is most definitely the name of the game. I don't have relationships (which is an even longer and an even more bitter story). I'm not close to my family, at all. Besides which my mother doesn't believe in stress, depression or relationships, my sister has a borderline personality disorder and my brother's pretty autistic. While my closest friends know some of this, there's not a lot they can do while I feel so incapable of going to the doctor. I think I feel they won't take me seriously, maybe because they haven't in the past when I went with a strange glandular condition wich they couldn't diagnose. I feel like they'll just laugh me out of there, which is, possibly, a pretty ridiculous thing to think. This has taken me about two hours to type because I keep getting distracted by stuff, so it's probably a little bit disjointed. Er... any push in the direction of a doctor would help, I think...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.