Jump to content

A re-introduction

Guest Vapourware

Recommended Posts

Guest Vapourware

Hi everyone!

I thought it would be appropriate if I re-introduced myself to the boards. According to the stats, the last time I was around was late 2005 ^_^ I feel that I've changed in those years (looking back at some of my posts, I almost feel like I'm reading posts from a different person) and I want to resume transmission on this board with a clean slate :( Besides, I haven't been here for so long that I might as well be a newbie!

Anyways, it's hard to firmly describe my special concoction of craziness. The only concrete diagnosis I have received in the past is Major Depression (MDD), and other labels such as social anxiety and borderline personality disorder have also been tentatively floated over my head. I also have a history of self harm and self medicating with alcohol.

I've never stayed in therapy long enough to get very far. When I last asked for help, it wasn't hard for doctors to give me a MDD diagnosis because I was a walking textbook on depression, and suicidal to boot. When doctors tried to delve deeper, I ran.

The last time I asked for help, I spent maybe two months with a GP and all of three sessions with a psychologist ;) Since then I've avoided medical help. Save for some flare-ups, I've been able to sweep things under the carpet. For a time, I thought I had moved on. Life even started looking rosy - I found a bunch of great friends, have been getting involved in the local music scene, joined a band (we just gigged!), and I now have a partner.

Not being able to stay in therapy for long is a regret for me because now I'm finding myself struggling again. In hindsight, it would've been far more beneficial for me to have worked through my issues instead of ignoring them. Ironically, given that I'm some variety of fruit cake, I'm also studying to become a social worker :) While I enjoy the course and I would love to work as fully-fledged social worker, I also find it quite triggering. Which brings me to why I'm posting here again.

I just want a place to feel safe about expressing some of my crazier thoughts and actions, because at the moment, I'm starting to feel as though I'm spinning out of control. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a vast chasm, and while I'm holding onto the ledge at the moment, it wouldn't take much for me to fall. I've been trying to disguise how I'm feeling but it's increasingly difficult. In social work, we have learnt about the concept of reframing thoughts, and I've been constantly using this technique on myself. It's a large reason as to why I haven't fallen yet.

I've been dumping some of my less savoury thoughts onto my partner (like my urge to SH again), but unfortunately he's not quite sure how to react. He's been supportive and does listen, but due to his lack of experience in mental health issues, he finds it difficult to understand. I also don't like upsetting people close to me by admitting I would like to self-harm again. I've resisted :P which is a good sign, IMO, but the urge still remains.

So hopefully, by being here, people can give me a different perspective and insight into how I'm feeling. Maybe I'll even help someone out as well :(

That's enough for now. Geeze, I can write sometimes :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome back!

I only joined this year, so (obviously) I don't know you, but it sounds as if you have a pretty firm grasp on your own coping mechanisms. Well done for resisting those urges! ;)

It is amazing how much we can change in a relatively short time, isn't it? That's just one reason to post here whenever the mood takes you to, it's great to have a record of how things are with you at any given time. That's why I like blogging :)

Anyhow, good to *meet* you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...