Isolated, empty, unable to emotionally connect...

[Guest guest_stranger901]

Im 28, quiet, shy, introverted, lacking in social skills etc. I dont really think of myself as good looking and find it difficult to be myself in social situations. Needless to say, Ive never had anyone interested in me personally, never been popular at get-togethers with peers and friends (mainly folks I work with).

Sometimes on weekends and such,we all end up hanging out in a bar or a cafe, but when Im with them, I dont see anything good coming out of it. At get togethers, I just become part of the furniture as no one really seems to be paying attention when I try bringing up something...they all seem to be too interested in the "popular" person sitting around.

My peers are coming across as rather empty/shallow/dull/boring etc. This is because these people cannot seem to go beyond the small talk about the weather, cars, gadgets or gossip...In these conversations I really have nothing to say beyond a rehearsed "oh ok, that sounds like a cool phone" or "how much does it cost?".. simply for the sake of appearing 'part of the crowd'. Now, I believe being a good listner applies to me only IF there is something interesting being said....NOT when someones going on and on about the features of his blackberry or gossip about people I dont know, let alone care about. So a lot of times, Im sitting there asking myself "just what am I doing with these people".

I really cannot seem to connect with them on a personal level, so I just become withdrawn after a while and sit there finishing off whatever I ordered and wait for someone to ask for the bill so I can leave. In the meantime I see how they seem to have found girlfriends After the evening ends, I go back home feeling empty and void... I dont think that the next day would be any better.

As a result, I begin to isolate myself and avoid these people for like a whole week or so. But after a point, I start going crazy being alone and I go back and catch up with these guys at resturant and whatever I siad in the first 4 paragraphs repeats and then I go home feeling empty all over again. Im in a situation where Im feeling empty whether Im alone or with friends.

[Guest renee]

Im 28, quiet, shy, introverted, lacking in social skills etc. I dont really think of myself as good looking and find it difficult to be myself in social situations. Needless to say, Ive never had anyone interested in me personally, never been popular at get-togethers with peers and friends (mainly folks I work with).

Sometimes on weekends and such,we all end up hanging out in a bar or a cafe, but when Im with them, I dont see anything good coming out of it. At get togethers, I just become part of the furniture as no one really seems to be paying attention when I try bringing up something...they all seem to be too interested in the "popular" person sitting around.

My peers are coming across as rather empty/shallow/dull/boring etc. This is because these people cannot seem to go beyond the small talk about the weather, cars, gadgets or gossip...In these conversations I really have nothing to say beyond a rehearsed "oh ok, that sounds like a cool phone" or "how much does it cost?".. simply for the sake of appearing 'part of the crowd'. Now, I believe being a good listner applies to me only IF there is something interesting being said....NOT when someones going on and on about the features of his blackberry or gossip about people I dont know, let alone care about. So a lot of times, Im sitting there asking myself "just what am I doing with these people".

I really cannot seem to connect with them on a personal level, so I just become withdrawn after a while and sit there finishing off whatever I ordered and wait for someone to ask for the bill so I can leave. In the meantime I see how they seem to have found girlfriends After the evening ends, I go back home feeling empty and void... I dont think that the next day would be any better.

As a result, I begin to isolate myself and avoid these people for like a whole week or so. But after a point, I start going crazy being alone and I go back and catch up with these guys at resturant and whatever I siad in the first 4 paragraphs repeats and then I go home feeling empty all over again. Im in a situation where Im feeling empty whether Im alone or with friends.

you're not alone. i'm 25 and unable to relate to the majority of people i interact with, due to my deficiencies (social ineptitude) or theirs (superficiality). i used to make an honest effort at it, but have become progressively avoidant over the last decade and now i rarely bother. it is a difficult position to be in - having to choose between being alone or being with incomprehensible people who probably find you equally as incomprehensible. as you pointed out, being in these situations merely intensifies the already-present sense of emptiness (and, for me, inadequacy) and offers no actual benefits. it's really nothing more than a cost-benefit analysis. your coworkers/friends don't seem to be benefiting you, yet seem to be asking much in return (although maybe not overtly). and since you are an introvert, i'm sure that all that social interaction with extroverts (as they seem to be from your description) is especially draining on you. i'm sure that my philosophy of near-universal avoidance may at times prevent me from meeting that rare individual who defies my generalizations of humanity, but i guess i've concluded that that remote possibility just isn't worth all the wasted physical and emotional energy anymore. it's pessimistic, but the alternative is just not sustainable.

[Guest stranger901]

you're not alone. i'm 25 and unable to relate to the majority of people i interact with, due to my deficiencies (social ineptitude) or theirs (superficiality). i used to make an honest effort at it, but have become progressively avoidant over the last decade and now i rarely bother. it is a difficult position to be in - having to choose between being alone or being with incomprehensible people who probably find you equally as incomprehensible. as you pointed out, being in these situations merely intensifies the already-present sense of emptiness (and, for me, inadequacy) and offers no actual benefits. it's really nothing more than a cost-benefit analysis. your coworkers/friends don't seem to be benefiting you, yet seem to be asking much in return (although maybe not overtly). and since you are an introvert, i'm sure that all that social interaction with extroverts (as they seem to be from your description) is especially draining on you. i'm sure that my philosophy of near-universal avoidance may at times prevent me from meeting that rare individual who defies my generalizations of humanity, but i guess i've concluded that that remote possibility just isn't worth all the wasted physical and emotional energy anymore. it's pessimistic, but the alternative is just not sustainable.

You are spot on when you say that being in these situations offer no real benefits. I just choose to do so when the other extreme (being isolated for weeks starts eating me inside out) becomes unbearable. I willingly enter these situations with my peers, so it could serve as a 'break' from staying alone.

At best, its a distraction. I know what Id be feeling like after we are done with the evening. I keep see-sawing between choking in isolation and being alienated amidst my peers.

[olga]

Karuna said exactly what I was thinking. Go looking for people with whom you share interests. Pursue a hobby, or volunteer for a political campaign, or work at a soup kitchen. Do something that will bring you into the orbit of some people with a social conscience---people who want to change the world. If your present acquaintances are shallow, stop associating with them and find some interesting people.

olga