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who am i?

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i'm "depressed" right now. possibly "bipolar", perhaps there's also a little bit of "anxiety" too. i haven't been officially diagnosed with anything other than chronic depression and chronic pain. future evaluation will reveal what's "really going on". for now i've been taking cymbalta, imovane and thc.

i don't recall what it's like to be myself, or even if i have ever really been myself. i can't remember much of my childhood..half of my teenage years or even why i can't remember it. my life has felt much like the view from a rollercoaster..blurred. i dabbled in the drugs when i was younger, but nothing compared to the kids these days. i always seemed to gravitate to the pot. i sampled..but not much more than that. i've never felt like i fit in with anyone..or anything. i wanted to at times, but my family was discouraging and did nothing more than extend my "out of place" feelings a little more. thats the way it appeared to me.

i've spent much of my life running, moving, and destructing. i seem to work hard for things and then destroy them..take them away..and leave. i haven't ever been able to maintain stability in my life long enough to stop worrying. there's always something..and i create it for myself. i spend money on useless BS, because it makes me feel good..for the moment atleast. once the money is gone..i torture myself with hateful words inside my head..i'm a worthless piece of shit, a bitch, an evil person, a destructive bastard...

i'm extremely uncomfortable in social situations..i don't go to concerts because once i finally get myself inside..i can't stay for more than 20 minutes...i freak out..get scared and panicky. shopping malls make me sick to my stomach, hot and ill. my mind never stops going. before i could even take the meds i'm taking now i had to research it for days and read all about the side effects..it was so bad. i worried so much about the anorgasma that i actually caused myself to have it. it took me 3 days..or constant thinking about it to realize i was driving myself nuts.

i also, love photography. there's something about taking photos that allows me to be someone else. i'm currently obsessed with my future evaluation..what the fuck is wrong with me...???!!!

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Hi, and welcome to our little nuthouse. Please read our rules when you have the time---it avoids problems later on.

I'm sure you will find some kindred souls here who can relate to your issues. Let us know if we can help you with anything specific.


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