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Stupid thoughts really.  Like being afraid that I might suddenly gouge my eyes out.  Or being afraind to go sleep because I might bite my tongue off.  Years ago, every time I got into my car, I had thoughts and images of violent injuries and surgeries.

I have a scab on the top of my head that I have been picking at since fourth grade.  I'm now 37.

I always poo pooed it all, but now I wonder if maybe it's part of my mental illness.  Anyone else relate?

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Only when I am not medicated well and in my depressed anxious state. You are right, I had them at times as a child too. I hated riding in the car beside a semi truck, I just KNEW it was going to fall over on me.

That stupid nursery school rhyme? Step on a crack, break your Momma's back...I was sure it was true, while not resulting in an actual broken back I thought something bad would happen to me for disregarding the warning.

This last go round a few months ago I didn't want to touch knives. Not because I wanted to hurt myself, but because I thought I would accidentally hurt myself.

The tounge thing too. What is with that? I just kept thinking somehow my tounge would  get sliced.

Are those what are called Obtrusive Thoughts? You mean normal people don't have them?

It would go to figure.

CC~

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Here I am afraid to go to bed.  It is getting late and I definitely need my sleep.  But I can't go to bed.  I can't lie down.  I might hurt myself accidentally.  I know how stupi that sounds but that's where I'm at.  I don't know what to do.  TV is not cutting it for me tonight. I need someone to understand.  Not like mly husband, who by the way is wondeful, but he will hold me for a period of time then either want sex or fall asleep and snore really loudly.  I need tonight someone to hold my head so I don't smash it into a wall.

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;)   :)   :P   :ninja:   Possible Trigger  :ninja:   :angry:   :D   :)

I'm heading into a manic state and I get TONS of intrusive thoughts.  I'm totally getting you.  I'm definitely afraid of harming myself...I'm together enough that I don't think I'll do it but I can't get the thoughts of it out of my head.  When I step outside to smoke I can imagine someone coming out of the woods and trying to kill me, throwing me against the siding....

I also ***REALLY*** want to shave my head and have been pulling on/out my hair.  I'm cut myself twice....Things are not good.  You're not the only one having that kind of night tonight....Sometimes I find sleeping someplace else in the house makes me feel better...like the couch....or smoking then taking something to help me sleep right after that so I've made the decision when I'm feeling good from the cig.  Trying to take my own advice....

It sucks when you know you're going manic but you can't do anything about it....

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Well ok the fact that supposedly normal people have them too, helps a tiny bit!

Pressmama you are on the right track about sleeping somewhere different, I don't know why but I had to do that for a week to get any sleep at all. My anxious states sound much like bp mixed states, the Doc even suggested it was a possibility. Lucky for me so far, paxil nips it in the bud.

It was also much easier to nap during the day than to expect to sleep well at night. The whole leading up to bedtime in the evening started cascading into fears about it. I stopped trying to force it, stayed up a bit later, slept on the couch, would wake up and go outside for fresh cool air and try to not worry about the hours.

CC~

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;)   :)   :P   :ninja:   Possible Trigger  :ninja:   :angry:   :D   :)

I'm heading into a manic state and I get TONS of intrusive thoughts.  I'm totally getting you.  I'm definitely afraid of harming myself...I'm together enough that I don't think I'll do it but I can't get the thoughts of it out of my head.  When I step outside to smoke I can imagine someone coming out of the woods and trying to kill me, throwing me against the siding....

I also ***REALLY*** want to shave my head and have been pulling on/out my hair.  I'm cut myself twice....Things are not good.  You're not the only one having that kind of night tonight....Sometimes I find sleeping someplace else in the house makes me feel better...like the couch....or smoking then taking something to help me sleep right after that so I've made the decision when I'm feeling good from the cig.  Trying to take my own advice....

It sucks when you know you're going manic but you can't do anything about it....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks all for your replies.  I find it so ironic that I ended up going to sleep somewhere else that night, without first reading your reply.  There was just NO WAY I could go lie down in my own bed, but I slept fine in the extra bed in my dd's room. 

I've never broken the skin, but I have dug my nails in and scratched myself.  I've yanked on my hair. 

I'm just so angry.  I just want to be normal.  I want to be able to have visitors for the week and stay up late a few nights in a row and overindulge and have a great time without things going so south a few days later.  I'm sick of having to go to bed on time every night, as if I were a child.  I'm sick of not being able to throw back a few too many cold ones without nasty consequences.  I'm sick of the look people get on their faces.  You know the one I'm talking about.  That shameful, ebarrassed look coupled with pity when you tell them about your damned disease.  Or even worse, the judgement I get from those who think I should just get over it and deal with life and stop doing stupid things that I know will make me worse.

I'm still feeling like shit.  I want to get into my car and drive away.  I want to crawl into my closet and stay there.  I want to hurt myself in some nonlethal way.  And I've gotten tons of sleep over the past day in a half, why is the dysphoric mania still here?  Is that what it's called?  The mind spinning, but can't get it together enough to do a load of laundry feeling? 

At first I was relieved to be diagnosed.  That was about month ago.  Now I am raging mad.  I'm pissed as hell.  I don't want this stupid, fucking disease.

I suppose I will rant and rave and feel sorry for myself for a few days then get over it and realize that it could be so much worse.  I could have cancer.  I could be paralyzed from the neck down.  I could mental retardation.

It's all relative, I suppose.

I know I'm partially manic because I don't want to eat anything.

I hate feeling this nuts!!!!!

Kim

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Kim - are you on meds?  Who dx'ed you?  Do you go to a therapist to talk about these things?  The sooner you address your concerns, the better you will feel.  I swear.  It sucks to be newly dx'ed - you don't know if this makes you a bad person or what it means - it takes a while to come to grips.  Hell, after 8 yrs I still have problems with it.  You have the right to call your doctor and ask questions or voice concerns.  You don't need to wait until your next appt.  If you are on the roller coaster ride we call medications, then you really need to talk to your doctor. 

Don't let the suffering go on any longer - get the help you need!

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Kim - are you on meds?  Who dx'ed you?  Do you go to a therapist to talk about these things?  The sooner you address your concerns, the better you will feel.  I swear.  It sucks to be newly dx'ed - you don't know if this makes you a bad person or what it means - it takes a while to come to grips.  Hell, after 8 yrs I still have problems with it.  You have the right to call your doctor and ask questions or voice concerns.  You don't need to wait until your next appt.  If you are on the roller coaster ride we call medications, then you really need to talk to your doctor. 

Don't let the suffering go on any longer - get the help you need!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm seeing my therapist tonight.  I don't know how helpful it will be considering that she specializes in post partum depression (what we initially thought I had) with limited knowledge of BP.  I was diagnosed BP by the nurse practitioner who works under the pdoc.  I am taking 1000mg Depakote ER.  I do think it is helping aside from this week where I disregarded my bedtime and drank some beers. 

I'm thinking I need to be referred to a tdoc who actually knows jack shit about BP.

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I can relate to some degree with what you are saying.  These are intrusive thoughts.  I think there is some degree of OCD mixed in with it.  I myself am a picker - every time I wash my face - gotta pick - whether there is something there or not.  I tell myself "just back away from the mirror", but something just overcomes me and here I go again.  I still have this even on medication.  I think the key to all of this lies somewhere in childhood.  Something to do with our upbringing.  Although it is somewhat mild (I know I have others - the step on the cracks thing, had that when I was little), I know I have others but they just aren't coming to mind (they only come "to mind" when we don't want them to).  I don't have a bag of wisdom to give you, just some comfort I hope to let you know you're not alone.  I just hope someday that we'll all get this straightened out so we can have peace in our lives!  Keep in touch!

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Heh, the startle reflex.  My dh has finally learned after all these years not to come up behind me and yell "boo!"  When I was seven, I went on a boat that had a very loud HOOOOOOT at regular intervals.  I still have the pictures of me sitting with one hand on my mother's leg and the other sticking in my ear.  My parents thought I was just a brat when I had a fit and had to leave situations, but really it was the noise and crowds that were making my skin crawl.

You know what.  I am sick of it.  I've been sick for years of trying to pretend like I am like everyone else.  Now I know that I'm not.  But that knowing making me feel like a freaking freak right now.

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Oh, we are not freaks.  I don't think we're so much different from everyone else.  I just think we're smart enough and creative and sensitive and and and and all that stuff to admit there's something a little "off" with us.  Just cause ya can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.  "Normal" people are messed up too.  My DH is a "normal" person, but let me tell you, there is a lot of junk in his trunk so to speak.  Major anger issues.  I'll take my MI by far.  So, turn your frown around and try to figure out how your MI makes you better.  I know I'm more caring, nuturing, feeling, emotional, etc.  Take care of yourself.  Kris

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