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Is this normal?


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Even though my tdoc says I am doing pretty good and I feel pretty stable, I keep having these thoughts that I wish I would get into an accident or something or break an arm or a leg. something. I am not completely sure why but I think it has something to do with the relationship between me and my husband right now. Maybe I want more attention from him. I don't know. but is it normal to have thoughts like these? I haven't told my tdoc or my pdoc about it. what do you guys think?

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I have had thoughts like this, off and on for years now. I think it has a lot to do with wanting attention, although like you, it's not something I would ever act on. I also have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, and I think it has more to do with that than having bipolar.

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They are not thoughts that I will act upon. Just something that I wish would happen to me. not something I want to do to myself. But I guess I probably should tell at least my tdoc.

I agree that it sounds like something it would be helpful to bring up with your tdoc-- just to work it over and get it off your shoulders a bit by sharing it out loud, you know?

If the thoughts aren't super disturbing or interrupting your life then I think just trying to talk about it in therapy and seeing if some changes in your life would help seem like enough for now. I wouldn't jump to medicating it if it might be something that is semi-easily fixable by changes in your interactions/environment. That said, if you are really unsettled and worried about them, or ever start to get any inkling of acting on them, then that's something you might want to talk to the pdoc about getting under control with meds so you have the head-space to work on it in therapy.

I don't think that I'm anywhere near qualified to say what 'normal' is ;) but I can say that I don't think thoughts like that are way ABnormal. That doesn't make any sense in writing, does it. Hmm.

I guess I'm just saying that I can relate, and I think you might be on the right path in thinking that it might have to do with getting attention or time or affermations of love and support from your husband (or maybe other people in your life as well.)

This is just my experience, I'm not saying it's nessecarliy what's going on with you, but I know that when I was younger (and, now that I think about it, some in early college too) I sometimes had similar thoughts pop into my head. What if I got sick, or was in some sort of accident or something--just kind of random wonderings out of nowhere.

I'm pretty certain that it was because I was feeling pretty alone or invisible during those times. Part of me reasoned that if something bad happened to me then everyone would be worried about me, think about me, and I'd be able to see who really cared because they'd be concerned and want to make me feel better. They might even feel a little guilty about ignoring me or not saying they cared enough before. I was lonely and didn't know how to, or if I could, reach out to people to get the love and attention I wanted so badly. But if something happened...they would come to me, and ask about me, and show me that they cared. I think I kind-of wanted proof that somebody cared enough to be worried about me. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I'm pretty sure I at least know a little bit about how you might be feeling.

Almost all of those thoughts or 'fantasies' or daydreams go away when I feel loved and cared for. I'm content with my friends and family right now, I don't feel invisible, I don't feel like something drastic needs to happen to get them to notice me or show that they care. But there have been times (indeed, a good deal of my life) where this hasn't been the case and I just needed attention.

Not 'hey everybody! look at me! whooooo!' attention for my ego- not vanity attention-- but I wanted some acknowledgement and love from people who cared about me during the times that I was questioning that love because I didn't know how else to get to it.

Anyway, sorry for the essay, but *do* bring it up with your tdoc, and in the meantime, I wonder if you could set up some 'quality-time' with the SO? A dinner without distractions, phone calls, work, bills, TV. A walk in the evening. Something that you used to do together that has fallen by the wayside? Just little things, I really doubt that you need something drastic to happen to get that attention that is missing.

m

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Not 'hey everybody! look at me! whooooo!' attention for my ego- not vanity attention-- but I wanted some acknowledgement and love from people who cared about me during the times that I was questioning that love because I didn't know how else to get to it.

Anyway, sorry for the essay, but *do* bring it up with your tdoc, and in the meantime, I wonder if you could set up some 'quality-time' with the SO? A dinner without distractions, phone calls, work, bills, TV. A walk in the evening. Something that you used to do together that has fallen by the wayside? Just little things, I really doubt that you need something drastic to happen to get that attention that is missing.

m

I think that you have basically hit the nail on the head. but as far as getting quality time with dh? It almost seems impossible right now. But I will have to think of something. maybe even talk to dh about how I am feeling. but I am a little afraid to talk to him about it. afraid of what he might think.

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Not 'hey everybody! look at me! whooooo!' attention for my ego- not vanity attention-- but I wanted some acknowledgement and love from people who cared about me during the times that I was questioning that love because I didn't know how else to get to it.

Anyway, sorry for the essay, but *do* bring it up with your tdoc, and in the meantime, I wonder if you could set up some 'quality-time' with the SO? A dinner without distractions, phone calls, work, bills, TV. A walk in the evening. Something that you used to do together that has fallen by the wayside? Just little things, I really doubt that you need something drastic to happen to get that attention that is missing.

m

I think that you have basically hit the nail on the head. but as far as getting quality time with dh? It almost seems impossible right now. But I will have to think of something. maybe even talk to dh about how I am feeling. but I am a little afraid to talk to him about it. afraid of what he might think.

That's where tdocs can help a lot. You have a neutral person to talk it out with who can also help you figure out how best to bring it up with you dh. Sometimes just talking helps you clarify your feelings.

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