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Hitting one of those times where I wonder if I'm slipping


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I was doing fairly well. Feeling un-crazy enough to try to return to work. Had a good job lined up, but it was 11 hours away and the fiance freaked about the move. Then, as a topper, he lost his job and we have no money. No money as in wondering if we can make rent. Likely his parents will lend/give us the money but that almost makes things worse. Nothing like feeling like a loser at 28 begging for money.

Since all of this happened I've been progressively less stable. I really wanted to SI but managed to resist midway through my ritual. I've been obsessing over every calorie and have lost 5 pounds in a week, I've purged twice during this time. I've been sleeping 14-16 hours most days and have had random fits of crying over nothing. Other days I get 3 or less hours of sleep and feel speedy, clean the house, walk the dogs, and bounce around.

Even more concerning is some of my behaviours. I've been smoking, just occasionally but this is not something I would typically do at all. A friend brought over beer and I drank enough to be seriously intoxicated, which I know is a dumb move with my medication. Then I proceeded to flirt with the aforementioned friend, slightly crossed some lines, and have been contemplating calling him up for the kind of rough sex I cannot get from my partner. Or, more honestly, any type of sex that I don't seem to be getting at all at the moment. Nothing major has been done, but it's constantly in the back of my mind. I can almost guarantee that nothing will happen as long as I don't drink.

I'm going to make a pdoc appointment soon because I'm reasonably certain that it's heading to out of control. Actually, just writing this has solidified a bit. I think I just need someone to tell me that I am right to be concerned. It would also be great for someone to try to prod me into remembering this thing called will power and a desire to not fuck up a long term relationship just so I can get laid. Did I happen to mention that my sex drive has returned with a vengance? Probably another sign since it tends to pick way up when I'm at all manicky.

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Yes, please call your pdoc as soon as you can and get thee to that office and in that chair and ask for help!

If you want to get out of your relationship - do that, but please don't let it be because a manic swing set your hormones a rockin.

Maybe you could save making any decisions on your love/sex life for when you are a little more stable and able to think clearly - so that you don't do anything you might regret later?

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Well, on one side, you could be 35 and begging for money, like me ;) I spent seven months while applying for disability in the position of having only one income to pay the bills, support a four-person family, and have food to eat. I know your situation is more critical, but I wanted to let you know I do know how desperate feels.

Definitely get in to see the pdoc ASAP. Impulsiveness is always a big warning sign for me. SI is never good, and you know it leads you nowhere and the release only lasts about 15 seconds, right? You keep telling yourself this, right? Good.

An definitely make it a point not to see that friend until after you get things under control. The way you described the situation, it sounded like all MI talking. Not a rational person in a stable relationship.

Let us know how you are.

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