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Not sure if this should be posted here or in the schizo forum, or some other one, there's so much choice! Anyway, apologies for the long read.

I'm not even sure how to start this, but i'm pretty sure i'm some sort of crazy. I could hazard a guess at what sort, but it'll probably be off.

I suffered a wee bout of something akin to psychosis about a year ago, went and saw a psych and got told that i was just paranoid and to snap out of it. Fair enough, it was essentially just that, and I when it broke i can recall finding it quite difficult to figure out what was real and what was less real.

I've been working up to writing about this for the past however many days now, it's just so ridiculously difficult to talk about any of this that it's really starting to screw me. I'm currently in uni, and got kicked out of my apartment recently so i'm back home, which is driving me a whole different sort of insane.

I guess there's a history of mental crap in my family, probably something up with at least one of the parents, the father had cancer which i was guiltily apathetic about to the max and still am i suppose. My sister was diagnosed with bi-polarity (should be a word) a few years back, and before that there were several years of her being massively depressed and etc. Etc. Figure she'd probably be the best one to tell some of this to, but i just can't seem to.

When i think about saying something to someone, i just get really tight sort of butterflies and i just want to get away from it. So i stay quiet, and i guess it works, except that now everyone thinks i'm a good for nothing, financial black hole that can barely pass exams and doesn't care about anything.

And from a third person perspective, it does look like that. I've been smoking weed for the past couple of years, although stopped about a yearish ago and switched to a herbal mix thing that's legal. Same thing basically. Anyway, it's my self medication, takes away the depression, the confusion, the hopelessness feeling(ness) and all that crap, but with it comes terrible lack of motivation or caring about much and i can't focus on (eg) studying to save my life.

I guess delusions play an active part in my day, i generally convince myself that i'm smart enough to pass exams (which by the way i've got in aboot a month) and that i don't have to worry and can keep smoking and not be depressed and be normal. Fantastic. Except it's not. The delusions do sometimes extend to me being pretty sure i could do something along the lines of fighting rock balboa and winning.

The past week has been utter...just, dull i guess. I'd say hell, but hell'd probably be more exciting. I've been heavily just confused and i don't know what to do, or what i am doing, and i nearly started fucking crying when i actively tried to engage and sort some crap out in my mind without the help of smoking. Last time i cried i believe i was about 8, 12 years ago, long time.

I should apologise here for the incoherence of this layout, but i'm constantly typing so that the will doesn't go away and at least i can email a shrink this or some such crap. I really don't care about anything anymore, in a non-cliched sort of way. The thing i would most love to happen? World war 3, a giant asteroid impact, some global catastrophe where all of this crap wouldn't matter anymore, and i could just start again.

The amount of lies that i've had to say in the past to avoid having to face and discuss this is pretty big, and i don't even want to start thinking on that.

Thinking there might be something to the stereotypicality (also should be a word), i tried the whole cutting thing briefly, which turned out to be pretty bent. Just made me more pissed off that i'd look like a classic saddened person. Maybe that's why i hate talking about this, i don't want to be thrown in with the crowd. It's probably it, but i don't want to think about it that much.

Trying to think of anything else that's worth mentioning, guess there's the suicide issue, the best analysis i can give is along the lines of that statistic that said men think about sex every 6 seconds or whatever the bs line was. Well replace sex with suicide (yes, i have been listening to manson recently as well) and that's my current mindset. Not in a really sad sort of way, it's more of an intrigued "grass must be greener" this is shit, there's no end in sight, life is screwed and that looks like a pretty easy way out sort of way. Having already experienced it to some degree with the sister, it does put me off though, i wouldn't be a fan of having to put the family through it with the whole how could we not have noticed shit too. I think i can actually finally understand the whole cry for help thing, it does make sense now. Truth be told in utterness (no better place to start with honesty) i was about 14 inches away from shooting myself yesterday. Although i don't think i was serious, i was just wondering what it would feel like, the lead up to it, i mean.

But then again, in a state like this i'm not to sure how much i can even bank on believing what i think. It's a vicious sort of cycle.

So...um...that's me done anyway, if anyone has any magical suggestions as to the easiest way i can (preferably psychically so as to avoid having to talk about it) at least try and make someone aware of my current lack of mental stability, that' d be cool.

Cheers folks.

Tl;dr

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Wolfy, welcome to Crazyboards and I hope we can help you.

No one here can (or should) diagnose what's going on with you. I'll give you the same advice I've given to dozens of other people: get yourself some help.

Whether you are smoking weed or some herbal stuff, you are still self-medicating and it's pretty obvious to me that it's not working. You have no motivation and can't study (classic signs of depression), and you're thinking of suicide.

Please find a tdoc and talk about these things. It's good to post here, but we can't treat you. And if you really feel that you are planning how you will commit suicide, call a help line or go to the ER. Your life can be wonderful and exciting, but you have to keep yourself alive before you can experience all the cool stuff.

I hope you get some help.

olga

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I have two things for you:

Smokin' weed and taking herbal substitutes will mess with your mind. You've described some messed up mind tricks. You think there's a coincidence there, perhaps? Even if your problems started before the weed... it just ain't helping.

If you want advice on how to talk to a psychiatrist about how you feel, I suggest printing your post and showing it to them. Or write down, in bullet point format, the main reasons you feel you need treatment. That way, your verbal anxiety doesn't get in the way of your getting proper treatment.

I wish you the best with a pdoc.

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wolf,

the sooner you get to a pdoc and get on the correct medication regimen, the better. i cant say ive been on the same road, but ive gone through similar, and i waited a month to actually go and get treatment. that month was hell, full of suicidal ideations and apathy.

keep us updated and try to stay away from the herbal stuff, it doesnt seem to be helping.

carmex

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I'm sorry that you haven't got the help and support you need right now to help you through this crap. But posting here is a step forward, even if we can't tell you what's wrong or what to change in your life, we can help you to find a coherent way to approach a doctor who may actually be able to help you this time. They're not all unhelpful and uncaring, so give it another go. And the suggestions about printing a list of symptom history/this post/maybe even a short letter with a few pertinent points pinched from your post, I'd think about those. It could at least be a starting point for the pdoc to ask you the right questions, to give you something that will make you feel that you don't need to self-medicate as much.

Post as much as you like here in the meantime.

Welcome btw!

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Welcome! Self-medicating can help to a point... but there's always a point. Find a pdoc you trust, write down your questions or just print your opening post, and hopefully that'll help. Medication will most likely be involved, and it may take a couple tries to find the one that suits you.

Just keep on keeping on.

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Hey, Wolfy!

Nice to meet you!

Well, you have done two things right!

You firstly realise something is off, and

you secondly at least came here to seek advice.

Do the third thing right...

Take the excellent advice the people are giving you - they KNOW what they are talking about!

Then come tell us what is going on?

Hugs,

Karin

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Hey Wolfy.

Welcome to CB. It's a wonderful place full of extremely knowledgeable people who give great advice. Everyone prior to my current post has said to try and find yourself another pdoc or tdoc. Someone that can give you proper advice and help you to start finding solutions - and I completely agree with all of them.

Posting the way you have been feeling here is a BIG step towards accepting you have a problem, so well done - give yourself a pat on the back for taking that step forwards. It can be so very hard to do.

As others have said, I recommend that you talk to someone more qualified (like a pdoc) to try and unpick the strands of your thoughts and feelings and to try and come to some sort of diagnosis. I then suggest that you take the time to talk to your family and friends so that they have some sort of understanding of what you are going through. They can't be supportive if you don't give them a chance to be. I'm so glad that I told those closest to me as I have received nothing but love and support from them and it has been invaluable. I'm also lucky in that my employer has been utterly understanding and fantastically helpful towards me, and I know I'm probably in the minority in that, and I do make sure I let them know how much it means to me.

A fair bit of your post rang bells with me, so get yourself to a pdoc and take that next step forward. I don't think you'll regret it. If the pdoc you speak to is less than forthcoming and helpful, find another. You don't have to put up with a second-rate service from your healthcare providers!

Best of luck, and DO come back and let us know how you're doing.

Well done in taking that first step. It's the hardest part, honestly!

Hugs

LW

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