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Hi you guys, haven't been in for a while. As I was one things got worse and worse, left my home, now I'm living alone (got me 2 sweet cats to keep me company, lifesavers) still seeing my "husband", nearly a decade in love with him and now still, love him more than anything but he doesn't love me anymore (living his own private hell of stress and middle age crisis and not having been able to cope with my undiscovered-back-then depression of not having had a job and friends and not being able to have a baby after 2 years of trying).

Anyhow, just managed to hold back down some of the tears (having yet another meltdown--at least once a week now, despite daily 300mg Effexor) to write asking: anyone here still feel like SHIT and have weeping fits even with 300mg? I mean, can't complain as I can work, fake normality most of the time at work, but when I get to work I only think of going to what passes for home now... and when I'm home I only want to sleep.

This is SO shitty and I can't manage to get enough enthusiasm to do tons of shit that needs to be done, been (1st time ever) totally late with a lot of bills, think often of damned Eeyore from Winnie Pooh, you know, how he used to say "why bother..." well that's my life nowadays.

Some "ok" moments, yeah of course, but as soon as I see / hear / think of something that reminds me of something from my past with my "husband" all the things we done together or dreamt of doing, then all "happy" thoughts and feelings go away and I have to struggle badly not to start weeping in the train (as often happens, looking out the window and crying and crying and not even caring that I'm looking all deformed whatever) whatever

I'm also afraid that the few friends I've managed to make will be sick of this.

Anyhow, hope you guys have been better. Hope you all get better. Somehow

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Forgot to say, been feeling more and more like cutting, did only once so far (and use my poor cat all the time can you believe it!) it's so f-ing weird, I never thought I'd have these urges, read about it but when the world seems to be crashing down it seems like the only reasonable thought, the only way to let some of the pain out, can't really explain. Just weird but I can totally understand the cutters now. Before I didn't. (only theoretically, but then everything is different in theory x living the nightmare)

The urge to "disappear" also comes strong sometimes. Gone from all this everything everyone and all this pain and stupid weeping and not knowing what to do with my life.

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