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worst birthday ever


crazyjanesays

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ok, i want to start by saying that i've been relatively stable for a year and a half. i've had my bad days, but i've generally been ok. but today i'm thinking being depressed would be easier than keeping trying at living.

yesterday was the day i was celebrating my 25th birthday. i had sent an invite out to 25 people to go bowling and then to go to a beer garden a couple of blocks away from my house. so before i even go bowling i get a message from my oldest friend in the city saying that she's going to be late because she got off work late and hadn't gone to the gym and really wanted to do that. i'm like, it's my birthday and if you didn't go to the gym you could be on time. she could tell i was upset but still decided to plan to be 2 hours late to my birthday gathering. so there were four of us bowling and then she showed up and there were five. i didn't expect a lot of people to show up for bowling because it was expensive, but i thought people would be letting me know they were coming out to the beer garden. i only got texts from people saying they weren't coming out at all. to make me feel worse about how few friends i have there were two other parties there with about 15 or 20 people at each. and so my bad thinking started. i started thinking about how i've lived in this city for 7 years and i don't have that many friends still. so my mood kind of sours. then we go to the beer garden and my mood is tanked. i'm so upset that i can't think of anything to say. all i can think of is the fact that no one is coming to the beer garden and even my best friend couldn't be bothered to show up on time. i tried to change my mood but i just couldn't. i went outside to call someone to talk about what was going on and ended up sobbing outside the bar. after a half hour of being away from the table (in which no one came looking for me) i finally went back in to get my stuff. my friend that was late was like, "you can't just leave like this." and i'm said "yes i can." and she asked what was up and i just said "thanks for coming an hour and a half late" and the replies with "fuck you."

so i go home and eat ice cream and watch tv. i only got texts from three other people saying they were coming by the beer garden. so it was good that i left rather than sitting there for those couple people.

today i haven't left my house. i had a social thing i could have gone to at 5. it's a sport team that i'm in and it's preseason. i would have known dozens of people there. but i'm like, why go? i just don't see the point of trying anymore. i'm not in a depression so i still have the rational side of my brain saying that i have to keep trying, that someday i'll find friends in this city that i can really count on. but i'm just finding it harder and harder to believe. today it sounds easier to just be depressed and a hermit. i know the things that i should be doing, but i just can't get myself to. i'm so alone in life. all the friends i have in the city would barely notice if i disappeared. and that is a very depressing thought.

i wish i were depressed right now so i couldn't hear my rational side telling me to get up and do the things i have to do to keep my life going. i'm so hurt that i just want to go back to bed forever. i feel so unloved and unlovable.

how do i move on?

will i ever have people in this city that want me to be a central part of their lives?

i know this all sounds melodramatic. at least some people did show up, right? but it's how i feel. and i can't help being so upset that this is the way my birthday turned out.

fuck my stupid fucking friends. i wish i knew how to be one of those people that go out every weekend with a group of like eight people. how do those people do it? what is wrong with me?

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There's nothing wrong with you, except that you're depressed. It does suck that so few people showed up, and that your depression made you not enjoy the people who made the effort to be there. I've thrown parties where no one came... so I feel your pain.

I don't even celebrate my birthday anymore.

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I no longer celebrate b-days either, I rather not be let down, if some one wants to surprise me, great. But I stopped the whole planning it my self, getting my hopes up and then feeling like shit when no one shows. I actually forget how old I am some times. IT is just another day, another year older, what ever.

I cant say all my birthdays have sucked but I have had several that just plain sucked. I feel your pain as well, I had a girls night like 2 years ago, I invited about 20 people, 15 rsvp'ed 3 actually showed, I planned a spa night and I was so embarassed when the lady brought all this stuff for 15 people and only 3 showed. I verbalized how I felt, I am a bitch, I'll admit it, and I told them all flat out they were f-ed up for doing that and embarassing me in front of a complete stranger, and spend so much money for all these people that didnt show. They felt awful when me and my 3 real friends at the time told them it was wrong, and rude.

Maybe talk to them, don't do what I did, but ask them why they did that. It sucks and makes you feel awful, and it wasn't right. Maybe telling them this will: one make you feel better, and two show them that it hurts to do something like that to a person. In the end they will probably apologize and say that they had things come up and blah blah blah, but it will make you feel a little better for sticking up for your self.

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I can understand feeling hurt that they didn't turn up. Sometimes depression can blow things up out of proportion, and if you are already feeling lonely and sensitive about making friends in the city I can see how it would be worse.

Honestly, it's took me years to make a good group of friends in the city I live in. It's really, really hard.

Like you said, seven people did turn up, and i'm sure they do care about you. I don't know what was going on with the friend that was late, I think it was fair for you to explain that her coming was important to you, and turning up so late made you feel like you are not important to her.

I'm just wondering, is the late friend American? I always keep culture in mind, because there have been SO many situations where I have almost lost friends by misinterpreting different views of time. In my group of friends, turning up 15 minutes is the norm, but in other contexts this would be rude.

Or, there's the alternate explanation that she is a bit of a bitch, and doesn't really deserve your loyal friendship. Be careful to not let your thoughts run too far down the "I suck and and have no friends and am worthless" route. I've done that too but it's really not the truth.

Either way, i'm sorry you had such a bad birthday. Is there something nice you can do to treat yourself?

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I can understand feeling hurt that they didn't turn up. Sometimes depression can blow things up out of proportion, and if you are already feeling lonely and sensitive about making friends in the city I can see how it would be worse.

Honestly, it's took me years to make a good group of friends in the city I live in. It's really, really hard.

Like you said, seven people did turn up, and i'm sure they do care about you. I don't know what was going on with the friend that was late, I think it was fair for you to explain that her coming was important to you, and turning up so late made you feel like you are not important to her.

I'm just wondering, is the late friend American? I always keep culture in mind, because there have been SO many situations where I have almost lost friends by misinterpreting different views of time. In my group of friends, turning up 15 minutes is the norm, but in other contexts this would be rude.

she's american. and she knows how much her showing up late bothers me. i never get mad when it's fifteen or twenty minutes, it's when she shows up an hour or an hour and a half late that bothers me.

i know i shouldn't be allowing myself to obsessively think about my failure at making decent friendships. unfortunately that's basically all i can do right now.

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It does suck that your friends were being insensitive like that. And I totally understand just not being able to get out of a funk and yet having that damn little piece of rational mind that says you need to keep on trying. I lived in a city, not my hometown, for 4 years after college. I for the most part loved it, and had 'friends' but I still felt so isolated and alone. I didn't feel like I was realy connecting with anyone. I'm still dealing with this issue of 'being alone in a crowd' and being alone even when supposedly surrounded by friends and family.

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you are feeling better.

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I know it probably doesn't help any, crazyjane, but I had a friend who was habitually 2 hours late everytime we arranged to meet up. In the end I used to give her a time approximately an hour and a half before we were due to meet and then I didn't have too long to wait.

The same friend blew me out on my birthday once, at a time when friends were few and far between. I got sick of being let down by her and treated with a lack of respect. We are no longer friends because to me, that isn't particularly friendship. We didn't have an argument or anything, I just let it take the natural course as she hardly ever bothered to contact me.

Friends can, however, be hurtful without meaning it and it is generally down to a bit of thoughtlessness rather than an actual intention to cause hurt. However, when it is your birthday, emotions are always amplified and so it can make the pain more intense.

You don't sound melodramatic, just like someone who is feeling depressed and hurt by their friends. It will pass. Give yourself a bit of time and maybe try and talk to your very late friend in a calm manner and explain to them why you were so upset by what they did and how it made you feel. Walking away until you feel calmer is definitely the best thing to do - I just wish I could take my own advice in this respect LOL!

Hope you feel more positive soon.

LW

x

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thank you everyone for your support. i'm luckily not depressed anymore, but it's not because anything changed in my social life. on my birthday i came home to the acceptance letter from a school that i desperately wanted to get in to. now i'm moving away in a month and i am so happy because it is the big change in my life that i feel i've been needing.

i am still frustrated with how social lives seem to be structured. i live in nyc, so maybe it's the city, but it seems to me that people only believe in constancy with romantic partners. it seems easy for people to flake out on "just" friends. i miss a life when i talked to someone every day and saw them more than twice a month. i'm really hoping that i find people that i can be good friends with at my new program.

luckily, thanks to this big change, i have enough hope again to not be depressed. it's amazing how powerful hope is.

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i miss a life when i talked to someone every day and saw them more than twice a month. i'm really hoping that i find people that i can be good friends with at my new program.

People like that exist, sometimes it takes some time to find them. I'm glad things are looking up for you!

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