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Rapid Cycling and Just Plain FUCKED up


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Ok, I'll do my best to keep this as short as possible, but this is my first post on this particular board, so I have to give some background. First off, Karin suggested I join. I met her on DepressionForums.org. We started talking outside the boards and she's been amazing as hell as a friend/mentor even though we're countries away.

I'm a 33yo male from the US.

2 months ago, after sitting on my bed at 2am with a loaded gun against my head, i decided to get help. since, I've been diagnosed as bipolar 2, and inattentive ADHD. I'm on 90mg of Cymbalta, and 1000 of Depakote at the moment. i won't take the Straterra. too much at once. i expect my dosages to go up at my next appointment. I've also been seeing a therapist. oh, and i have OCD's, anxiety, blah blah blah blah, but whatever.

So, the past 2 days. not good. my insurance fucked up and i can't get refills on my cymbalta, and haven't been able to get to the doc to get more samples, so have droped from 90mg to 60mg the past 3 days. this may be in-part a cause of the following.

don't read this if you don't want to read graphic, disturbing shit. i'm going to lay it out here.

in italics is more or less the post i put on the other board last night, but didn't get much response:

"Hey everyone. My head has been all kinds of f'd up the past couple of days. Not that I'm usually "normal" or anything, but it's been really bad. I'm bipolar 2, and most definitely in some sort of relapse, or something. Positively hypomanic. or maybe even a mixed state. Badly.

I've been walking around in a daze the past 2 days. Sleeping most of the day even though I sleep at night too. My sleep at night is interrupted by bad dreams and waking up at all hours. i get up feeling like i havn't slept. so i fall back asleep pretty quick and then take naps all day. as i keep taking naps, the more violent thoughts i have (towards others - non-specific people). i think of torture, dismemberment, etc. i think about some extremely f'd up things that i could get into when bored. just in passing, you know? i think about how great it'd be to have a corpse on the floor in my familly room. that way when i get the urge, or there's nothing on tv, i can experiment with it with knives and stuff, and then go about my business like it's completely normal. i don't think i'd ever do these things outside of my head, but they seem so appealing right now, and if i could get away with it - no consequences, i think i'd do it and it'd be so relieving, like taking a really big hit of your favorite drug. then i could go on with my day. whatever. in reality, i'm not a violent person.

also, my hypersexuality is in full-swing. if i'm not looking at porn on the internet, i'm calling over different girls each day (almost. about 4 diferent in a week) that i already know, and doing multiple things to find new ones. working with a girl (sex buddy) on an adult sex site to get some messages out to girls, even on myspace (retarded i know) sending messages. btw, this has nothing to do with the paragraph above. this is strictly sex, which i'm pretty positive i have an addiction. i'm gonig into my past to renew old sex buddies, and even have someone flying in to stay a weekend. unfortuately, i'm efficient and successful at all of this.

i'm wondering about hypersexuality, or sexual psychopath. or psychopath in general. i've been reading about what it means to be a psychopath: manipulative, shallow, emotionless, parasite (using people for own end), charming, ability to fake emotion and tell people what they want to hear, etc etc. most of what i read is me. I'm extremely good at getting what i want - manipulating people, and faking what they want to hear/see. I'm not proud of it, but i use it often. but then i also have a capacity to care. i volunteer and help people, but then turn around and feed on others. any thoughts from anyone? i'm not into self-diagnosis, but then, i do read.

i'm pretty confused right now and have absolutely no desire to run through a normal day. no interest in work, i eat once a day, haven't showered in over a week, wear the same clothes each day, don't want to leave the house. i'm not suicidal, but i feel like i'm losing my mind a bit. more than a bit, but i know i'm not. guess it feels like the worms are back in my head and they're getting the best of me at the moment. haha, i thought up a new saying this weekend. when i'm manic and in a good mood, and i'm in the chase with another girl, it's like, "the worms are wearing tuxedos and ties, and we're going out on the town tonight to play!" haha, i liked it anyway.

other than these things, i stare off into space a lot. I've been looking around the floor and walls a lot tonight for spiders. at one point i was staring at the entrance to the room, pretty sure there was a demon about to walk though, but it never happened. i think it woulda been pretty cool. something to do anyway. i'm sick of fighting all of this. i'd almost rather start seeing that shit and go completely mad.

i don't know. i'm sure it'll workout soon enough. but at what cost? can't say i care at the moment.

it's like my insides got emptied out and i'm walking around as a shell.

the world doesn't quite seem real right now. something is off, like things don't fit, or as if it's a parellel world or something very similar to the real one"

So, soon after I wrote that, i was walking and stopped, kinda crumpled to the floor and passed out for a few. woke up, and i was completley fine. guess i should also tell you i had some caffeine to drink not too long before that.

so i guess i'm just looking for opinions, feedback, and ideas. initially, i was asking if i should go to the hospital.

anyway, thanks for reading all of this. you're a better man/woman than i!

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hi wr,

I hope others here can help you more than I can

but I read your post and wanted to say this:

GET YOUR ASS TO A PDOC.

I say this in the nicest possible way.

I say this as another person dealing with mental illness.

I don't yell in real life, but if you were my friend IRL I would holler and then drive you myself.

From inside, this stuff might not look so serious and you might not always get the urgency of the situation- but part of BP is "lack of insight" when it comes to your own disorder. I don't think you'd be asking for advice or opinions if part of you didn't already know that you need to get help, soon.

Summing up some of the issues you've said:

- self-destructive behaviors

- violent and intrusive thoughts

- really F'd up sleep, not rested

- demons?

- skewed/warped sense of reality

- *passing out*

- depressed sounding: not eating well, sleep messed up, not showering, changing clothes, leaving the house

If someone read this list off to you and asked you "what do I do? should I get help/pdoc/go to the er/tdoc.." what would you say? Seriously.

You don't have to wait until you are madly hallucinating or suicidal or actually start to get violent to go to the ER.

For heaven's sake, print out that post and it gives a pretty good summary of where you are right now. At the very least, call your Pdoc, say it's an emergency and don't minimize how bad things are. Same thing with the tdoc if that works better for you, he/she can help you get the medical care you need as well, but try the Pdoc now.

Okay, so I ended up responding anyway even though I was just gonna tell you to get help NOW and let wiser CBers chime in. If I were your friend in real life, I would be driving you in at this moment. Call in a favor.

Hope you can get some relief from all of this hard and scary stuff soon,

m

ps- welcome to CB. whoops!

edited to add- I feel a little bad for yelling at you now, oh that irish-catholic guilt. but I think you understand why, yes?

edited again to add one last thing (promise!)- for dog's sake, stay away from caffeine. faaaar away.

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ah my friend, thank you for your kind words but welcome amongst the people with invinite knowledge!

You will seee that I might have compassion, but here you will find the knowledge and wisdom and experience! The best advice I can give, you have taken...join this board!

So welcome here!

I really battle with networks here tonight!!

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Just to say, welcome! And I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time. I hope you're able to get through this soon.

And I second Meg - get to your/a pdoc, talk to your therapist - get some professional help. I think this kind of stuff is beyond what you can deal with your on your own; that can be hard to admit (I have issues admitting I don't have control, anyways), but it's not your fault, and there's nothing wrong with getting help through bad times - it's the best way!

I also just wanted to say, I don't think you're a sociopath/psychopath.

i'm wondering about hypersexuality, or sexual psychopath. or psychopath in general. i've been reading about what it means to be a psychopath: manipulative, shallow, emotionless, parasite (using people for own end), charming, ability to fake emotion and tell people what they want to hear, etc etc. most of what i read is me. I'm extremely good at getting what i want - manipulating people, and faking what they want to hear/see. I'm not proud of it, but i use it often. but then i also have a capacity to care. i volunteer and help people, but then turn around and feed on others. any thoughts from anyone? i'm not into self-diagnosis, but then, i do read.

This paragraph really resonated with me. For a long time I wasn't particularly labile and I didn't have 'real' emotions; I functioned in day-to-day life b/c I knew how to fake appropriate emotions and act how other people acted, but I didn't really feel it. I was able to work through it, with the help of a therapist. I'm not saying I'm always the most empathetic person - it depends on how well I'm doing and what flavour of stable (or unstable) I'm experiencing. My bf is one of the only people for whom I feel real and total emotion. You do volunteer and help people; you do have the capacity to care, but it might be hard to express at times. I'd discuss this with your therapist, if you have one, or even your pdoc, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to that, and I was able to work through it, so hopefully you can too.

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Welcome. Sorry you didn't get advice on the other board. I'm sure you will here.

First off, I'm a female, and I'm never hyprsexual, even during manias (I get dysphoric manias, yucky). So please understand what I have to say comes from a slightly different point of view.

Meg was absolutely right in the fact that you need to get to your pdoc (psychiatrist) right away. You are displaying all the classic symptoms of a mania. Not hypomania, but full-blown mania. The recklessness in which you are seeking out sexual partners is a giant big red flag. It's increibly dangerous... and do I even need to ask if you are using protection???

My sleep got really messed up to when I wasn't properly medicated. It's definitely a sign to tell your doctor about. I can literally guage (like a bp barometer) when my swings are coming by my sleep patterns. 6 hours of sleep or less for 3 nights or more, mania's coming. 12 hours or more for more than 3 days, here comes a depression. (I tend to sleep a lot, thanks to the meds)

I hate to tell you, but if you are BP, depakote and cymbalta alone might not be enough to keep you level. You might need to add a antipsychotic such as seroquel, abilify, geodon, or risperdal. They can control mania, and some have depression control powers as well.

I hope you get the help you need.

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hi wr,

I hope others here can help you more than I can

but I read your post and wanted to say this:

GET YOUR ASS TO A PDOC.

I say this in the nicest possible way.

I say this as another person dealing with mental illness.

I don't yell in real life, but if you were my friend IRL I would holler and then drive you myself.

From inside, this stuff might not look so serious and you might not always get the urgency of the situation- but part of BP is "lack of insight" when it comes to your own disorder. I don't think you'd be asking for advice or opinions if part of you didn't already know that you need to get help, soon.

Summing up some of the issues you've said:

- self-destructive behaviors

- violent and intrusive thoughts

- really F'd up sleep, not rested

- demons?

- skewed/warped sense of reality

- *passing out*

- depressed sounding: not eating well, sleep messed up, not showering, changing clothes, leaving the house

If someone read this list off to you and asked you "what do I do? should I get help/pdoc/go to the er/tdoc.." what would you say? Seriously.

You don't have to wait until you are madly hallucinating or suicidal or actually start to get violent to go to the ER.

For heaven's sake, print out that post and it gives a pretty good summary of where you are right now. At the very least, call your Pdoc, say it's an emergency and don't minimize how bad things are. Same thing with the tdoc if that works better for you, he/she can help you get the medical care you need as well, but try the Pdoc now.

Okay, so I ended up responding anyway even though I was just gonna tell you to get help NOW and let wiser CBers chime in. If I were your friend in real life, I would be driving you in at this moment. Call in a favor.

Hope you can get some relief from all of this hard and scary stuff soon,

m

ps- welcome to CB. whoops!

edited to add- I feel a little bad for yelling at you now, oh that irish-catholic guilt. but I think you understand why, yes?

edited again to add one last thing (promise!)- for dog's sake, stay away from caffeine. faaaar away.

hey Meg. thanks a ton for the reply. dont worry about "yelling" at me, it's all good, i'm thick-skinned. and i kinda deserved it anyway.

i'm new to all of this treatment stuff. been dealing with these things since mid-teens, but the meds and pdoc and all are very new, so i'm still trying to navigate it all. yeah, the caffeine was a bad idea, i think it was the final straw. i'm a lot better today. i forced myself to shower and shave and get into the office and that helped, of course. i feel worked-over from last night, like i'm recovering from the flu or something. crazy.

i scheduled an apt for this fri (soonest i could aside from an emergency) for the pdoc. i think a lot of it also had to do with going down from 90mg to 60mg on the cymbalta. i'm stopping by to get more samples tomorrow so i can get back up to 90.

i hate even reading that post from last night after how i feel now, but hey, it is what it is. i was definitely out of my gourd the past couple days. it's so deciving, being that sick one day, or hour, and fine the next. it then makes you feel like you blew it out of proportion, though i know i didn't. i live alone, so it's just me when i get like this, and i don't have a "sane" person to put things into perspective. just me. and when i'm busy looking for spiders, daydreaming of violent crap, and falling asleep on the floor, it's hard to be realistic and hop in the car and drive to a hospital, especially when reality seemed shifted. btw, after i woke up on the floor, i stood up and felt fine, like my mind reset. it was really weird.

so, you're right in a way that i knew that i needed help, but i really wasn't sure if i should go to the hospital. if i really started hallucinating, i would've. or if i felt just as bad or worse today, i at least would've called in an emergency apt at the pdoc.

i don't know. my head's still a little weak from all that, so that's about it for now.

thanks a lot for your reply. much appreciated.

so, any and all feedback is welcome, and asked for. i'm still learning.

again, i'd like to hear more from anyone. the more i can learn, the more i know about what's going on with me, the better prepared i'll be for . . . ugh . . . next time.

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ah my friend, thank you for your kind words but welcome amongst the people with invinite knowledge!

You will seee that I might have compassion, but here you will find the knowledge and wisdom and experience! The best advice I can give, you have taken...join this board!

So welcome here!

I really battle with networks here tonight!!

thanks again Karin. and remember - you owe me! ;)

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shit

I never saw this???

Why why why did you not call me or email me this???

Where are you now???

I am emailing you.

Go to ER!!!

I just realised something was badly wrong from yuour emails???

jeeeeezzz babes??? Call your dad to help you with money???

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Just to say, welcome! And I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time. I hope you're able to get through this soon.

And I second Meg - get to your/a pdoc, talk to your therapist - get some professional help. I think this kind of stuff is beyond what you can deal with your on your own; that can be hard to admit (I have issues admitting I don't have control, anyways), but it's not your fault, and there's nothing wrong with getting help through bad times - it's the best way!

I also just wanted to say, I don't think you're a sociopath/psychopath.

i'm wondering about hypersexuality, or sexual psychopath. or psychopath in general. i've been reading about what it means to be a psychopath: manipulative, shallow, emotionless, parasite (using people for own end), charming, ability to fake emotion and tell people what they want to hear, etc etc. most of what i read is me. I'm extremely good at getting what i want - manipulating people, and faking what they want to hear/see. I'm not proud of it, but i use it often. but then i also have a capacity to care. i volunteer and help people, but then turn around and feed on others. any thoughts from anyone? i'm not into self-diagnosis, but then, i do read.

This paragraph really resonated with me. For a long time I wasn't particularly labile and I didn't have 'real' emotions; I functioned in day-to-day life b/c I knew how to fake appropriate emotions and act how other people acted, but I didn't really feel it. I was able to work through it, with the help of a therapist. I'm not saying I'm always the most empathetic person - it depends on how well I'm doing and what flavour of stable (or unstable) I'm experiencing. My bf is one of the only people for whom I feel real and total emotion. You do volunteer and help people; you do have the capacity to care, but it might be hard to express at times. I'd discuss this with your therapist, if you have one, or even your pdoc, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to that, and I was able to work through it, so hopefully you can too.

thanks Jarn. i appreciate your comments. like i said, i'm not looking to self-diagnose, but when enough things match i just start wondering and asking. it's good to read about your experiences, and to hear your reasurance that this is not something i need to concern myself with. definitely helps.

thanks again

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Welcome. Sorry you didn't get advice on the other board. I'm sure you will here.

First off, I'm a female, and I'm never hyprsexual, even during manias (I get dysphoric manias, yucky). So please understand what I have to say comes from a slightly different point of view.

Meg was absolutely right in the fact that you need to get to your pdoc (psychiatrist) right away. You are displaying all the classic symptoms of a mania. Not hypomania, but full-blown mania. The recklessness in which you are seeking out sexual partners is a giant big red flag. It's increibly dangerous... and do I even need to ask if you are using protection???

My sleep got really messed up to when I wasn't properly medicated. It's definitely a sign to tell your doctor about. I can literally guage (like a bp barometer) when my swings are coming by my sleep patterns. 6 hours of sleep or less for 3 nights or more, mania's coming. 12 hours or more for more than 3 days, here comes a depression. (I tend to sleep a lot, thanks to the meds)

I hate to tell you, but if you are BP, depakote and cymbalta alone might not be enough to keep you level. You might need to add a antipsychotic such as seroquel, abilify, geodon, or risperdal. They can control mania, and some have depression control powers as well.

I hope you get the help you need.

gizmo, thanks for replying,

yeah, i have a ton of guilt for the sex thing, but i can't seem to stop. not yet anyway. i'm working on it. it's dangerous for all, and i'm tired of walking a tight rope every damn day, waiting to see when i'll fall off.

interesting that you're so in-tune with your bipolar that you can tell what's coming by sleep patterns. mine have always been terrible, so i'm not able to tell yet.

i guess i should talk to my pdoc about the possibility of bipolar 1 instead of 2? sounds like it's worth looking into. esp if they might need to add an antipsychotic. i have a feeling i'll need it, but once again, i dont want to diagnose myself. also, they'll probably say that this "episode" was brought on by going down on my cymbalta from 90 to 60mg, plus the can of energy drink on top of it.

thanks again for your help.

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interesting that you're so in-tune with your bipolar that you can tell what's coming by sleep patterns. mine have always been terrible, so i'm not able to tell yet.

i guess i should talk to my pdoc about the possibility of bipolar 1 instead of 2? sounds like it's worth looking into. esp if they might need to add an antipsychotic. i have a feeling i'll need it, but once again, i dont want to diagnose myself. also, they'll probably say that this "episode" was brought on by going down on my cymbalta from 90 to 60mg, plus the can of energy drink on top of it.

thanks again for your help.

I highly doubt that mising 30 mg of cymbalta for a day or two or twenty and one energy drink caused all of that... but I'm not a pdoc, so don't quote me. Just make sure the pdoc knows exactly what you wrote here so he/she can properly treat you. Preferrably fast.

I found "in tune" interesting. Never heard it put like that before. But, really, when you've been on the BP horse for awhile, you learn your personal BP mania and depression signs. For example, my impending mania signs are decreased sleep, irritability, agitation, impulsiveness, abnormal spending, and increased anxiety. For me, my manias are like a car, they start slow and slowly build up speed. My symptoms start mildly and over the course of a few days to a week slowly increase in intensity. If I can get the proper meds on board to keep the intensity at "low" then I'm happy.

BTW, it doesn't matter if you are a 2 or a 1. You get treated with the same meds. It's just a label. And most of here don't give a tiddly about labels.

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Waiting Room-

Seems I am the only one who responded to your post on the other board. I think I gave you sound advice there, so I won't be repetitive. I did find your post disturbing, and my response was appropriate. I did later ever read your response, but, as I was on my way out the door I really didn't have time to say "glad you are feeling better!".

I am glad you have recieved a resounding "welcome" here on CB.

Looks like you have gotten some great advice here regarding your situation. I do want to reiterate that I feel that you take all advice regarding getting with your pdoc asap. Rapid cycling is not a pretty thing, and with proper guidance/meds there should come relief.....though not always as quickly as we'd like. That just seems to be the roulette wheel we MI peeps are on!

Warmest Regards,

Deepster

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Waiting Room-

Seems I am the only one who responded to your post on the other board. I think I gave you sound advice there, so I won't be repetitive. I did find your post disturbing, and my response was appropriate. I did later ever read your response, but, as I was on my way out the door I really didn't have time to say "glad you are feeling better!".

I am glad you have recieved a resounding "welcome" here on CB.

Looks like you have gotten some great advice here regarding your situation. I do want to reiterate that I feel that you take all advice regarding getting with your pdoc asap. Rapid cycling is not a pretty thing, and with proper guidance/meds there should come relief.....though not always as quickly as we'd like. That just seems to be the roulette wheel we MI peeps are on!

Warmest Regards,

Deepster

i really appreciate you taking the time to reply on both boards deepster. your advice was absolutely sound, as is everyone's on this board so far. i'm definitely grateful.

i'll keep on fighting the good fight, get in to see pdoc, stay away from caffeine, and just keep on livin . . .

thanks again

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I highly doubt that mising 30 mg of cymbalta for a day or two or twenty and one energy drink caused all of that... but I'm not a pdoc, so don't quote me. Just make sure the pdoc knows exactly what you wrote here so he/she can properly treat you. Preferrably fast.

I found "in tune" interesting. Never heard it put like that before. But, really, when you've been on the BP horse for awhile, you learn your personal BP mania and depression signs. For example, my impending mania signs are decreased sleep, irritability, agitation, impulsiveness, abnormal spending, and increased anxiety. For me, my manias are like a car, they start slow and slowly build up speed. My symptoms start mildly and over the course of a few days to a week slowly increase in intensity. If I can get the proper meds on board to keep the intensity at "low" then I'm happy.

BTW, it doesn't matter if you are a 2 or a 1. You get treated with the same meds. It's just a label. And most of here don't give a tiddly about labels.

yeah, it does seem kinda weird that missing a few days after only being at 90 for roughly 2 weeks did all that. i'll talk it over this friday at my apt.

agreed with the label thing. i thought there were different treatments. still learning . . .

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I can relate to this for some reason even though I don't have the same issues with sexual addiction and psychopathic thoughts. Your confusion in general just feels so familiar. ... the sense that a demon would walk in the door, I get like that a lot.

I don't know what to say, because I barely know what's wrong with me, all I know is I'm going to at least give the psychiatry thing an honest shot and see if it stops those kinds of crazed moods.

Most people on this board are really educated about this and they all seem to think you are in danger of a major episode, so I think it would be wise to at least listen to them and get checked out okay?

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I can relate to this for some reason even though I don't have the same issues with sexual addiction and psychopathic thoughts. Your confusion in general just feels so familiar. ... the sense that a demon would walk in the door, I get like that a lot.

I don't know what to say, because I barely know what's wrong with me, all I know is I'm going to at least give the psychiatry thing an honest shot and see if it stops those kinds of crazed moods.

Most people on this board are really educated about this and they all seem to think you are in danger of a major episode, so I think it would be wise to at least listen to them and get checked out okay?

hey Wildly -

yeah, i'm going to see the doc friday. funny you say that you barely know what's wrong with you. i feel that way too since i was just diagnosed about a month ago. but ever since i was an early teen i knew something was up with me and it really started coming out late in highschool. i thought it was just boughts of major depression up until now. with the sex was also a lot of drug abuse and alcohol abuse. i'd switch out between a lot of stuff to be sure not to get addicted to anything. i guess it worked, or more likely, i got lucky. anyway, i hadn't even thought of bipolar until the pdoc suggested it a while back.

COULD EVERYONE TAKE A LOOK AT THE NEXT PARAGRAPH? I'D REALLY LIKE TO GET SOME FEEDBACK. THANKS

so you get the demon thing?? that's awesome, because as you know, it's great not to feel alone in things. to feel like you're the only one f'd up to do a certain thing. so what are your experiences with that? do you have that overwhelming feeling during "episodes" that something is about to happen? if i'm driving, sometimes i feel like the whole sky is going to change colors to like a bright red or something. other times i just have a general feeling something is about to happen and i try to prepare myself not to freak out in public if it does. i honestly think i'd get a kick out of it. i used to really enjoy acid (only dropped about a dozen times or so loooong ago) and i'd just treat it as a free trip hopefully.

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Waiting room

Welcome to the boards. Don't underestimate the effect of caffeine, even a spoonful too much of coffee sends me on a dysphoric mania.

I frequently get the thoughts that weird random, violent shit is about to start happening like someone's about to run in front of the car, my thoughts are about to infect people and they're going to go apeshit and stab me. Usually more violent disturbing stuff than the sky changing colours. (Although I do hallucinate there are bugs in the sky and one time last week I saw blood in the sky - big droplets of it falling to earth)

blackbird x

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hey Meg. thanks a ton for the reply. dont worry about "yelling" at me, it's all good, i'm thick-skinned. and i kinda deserved it anyway.

i'm new to all of this treatment stuff. been dealing with these things since mid-teens, but the meds and pdoc and all are very new, so i'm still trying to navigate it all. yeah, the caffeine was a bad idea, i think it was the final straw. i'm a lot better today. i forced myself to shower and shave and get into the office and that helped, of course. i feel worked-over from last night, like i'm recovering from the flu or something. crazy.

i scheduled an apt for this fri (soonest i could aside from an emergency) for the pdoc. i think a lot of it also had to do with going down from 90mg to 60mg on the cymbalta. i'm stopping by to get more samples tomorrow so i can get back up to 90.

i hate even reading that post from last night after how i feel now, but hey, it is what it is. i was definitely out of my gourd the past couple days. it's so deciving, being that sick one day, or hour, and fine the next. it then makes you feel like you blew it out of proportion, though i know i didn't. i live alone, so it's just me when i get like this, and i don't have a "sane" person to put things into perspective. just me. and when i'm busy looking for spiders, daydreaming of violent crap, and falling asleep on the floor, it's hard to be realistic and hop in the car and drive to a hospital, especially when reality seemed shifted. btw, after i woke up on the floor, i stood up and felt fine, like my mind reset. it was really weird.

so, you're right in a way that i knew that i needed help, but i really wasn't sure if i should go to the hospital. if i really started hallucinating, i would've. or if i felt just as bad or worse today, i at least would've called in an emergency apt at the pdoc.

i don't know. my head's still a little weak from all that, so that's about it for now.

thanks a lot for your reply. much appreciated.

so, any and all feedback is welcome, and asked for. i'm still learning.

again, i'd like to hear more from anyone. the more i can learn, the more i know about what's going on with me, the better prepared i'll be for . . . ugh . . . next time.

Hey WR,

I just wanted to say that I'm the same as you in that I have been dealing with BP since in my mid-teens and yet was only diagnosed last year at the age of 40! Crazy, I know. I've been on the med-go-round since last June and although the Lamotrigine/Lamictal has been doing the trick, I went pretty high and my Pdoc put up the dose which then sent me plummeting and blurred my head! It takes a while to get the right balance of meds.

As gizmo said, it may well take more than the current medication that you are taking to stabilise you, but I do hope you find the right meds soon.

Glad to hear you have a Pdoc appointment and you really should print your post out and take it along because most of us know from experience how easy it is to minimise what you were feeling and not have a realistic idea of how bad it was. Your Pdoc really needs to see that as it will give him/her a good insight to what's going on for you.

Forcing yourself to get back into a daily routine is a good thing. It helps to distract your mind from it's repetitive thinking and obsessing and interacting with people (as hard as it seems) is actually really quite positive for your well-being, even though it hardly ever feels that way!

Hope you start to feel better soon. And welcome to CB!

Littlewing

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Waiting room

Welcome to the boards. Don't underestimate the effect of caffeine, even a spoonful too much of coffee sends me on a dysphoric mania.

I frequently get the thoughts that weird random, violent shit is about to start happening like someone's about to run in front of the car, my thoughts are about to infect people and they're going to go apeshit and stab me. Usually more violent disturbing stuff than the sky changing colours. (Although I do hallucinate there are bugs in the sky and one time last week I saw blood in the sky - big droplets of it falling to earth)

blackbird x

thanks for the reply blackbird. what is skizzoaffective?

your hallucinations are pretty amazing. how do you feel about them when they happen? i hope me asking isn't inflamatory. i just wonder if you find them interesting at all, or if they're just too disruptive and you hate them all together.

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Hey WR,

I just wanted to say that I'm the same as you in that I have been dealing with BP since in my mid-teens and yet was only diagnosed last year at the age of 40! Crazy, I know. I've been on the med-go-round since last June and although the Lamotrigine/Lamictal has been doing the trick, I went pretty high and my Pdoc put up the dose which then sent me plummeting and blurred my head! It takes a while to get the right balance of meds.

As gizmo said, it may well take more than the current medication that you are taking to stabilise you, but I do hope you find the right meds soon.

Glad to hear you have a Pdoc appointment and you really should print your post out and take it along because most of us know from experience how easy it is to minimise what you were feeling and not have a realistic idea of how bad it was. Your Pdoc really needs to see that as it will give him/her a good insight to what's going on for you.

Forcing yourself to get back into a daily routine is a good thing. It helps to distract your mind from it's repetitive thinking and obsessing and interacting with people (as hard as it seems) is actually really quite positive for your well-being, even though it hardly ever feels that way!

Hope you start to feel better soon. And welcome to CB!

Littlewing

thanks for the reply littlewing. little wing - is that the hendrix, or vaughan version? my name is from the fugazi song. plus, i feel like i spend too much time in doc's waiting rooms lately. oh, and i live alone in a small condo, usually in the one small main room, and sometimes i feel like i sit here in this room, waiting to get better so i can leave and get on with my life. like i live in a waiting room.

i don't look forward to messing with a bunch of meds and dosages, but i'm willing to because i know it's necessary. i've come this far, might as well keep going. i swear though, i feel like i've been sick the past few months every day. with the huge depression and then starting up pills after. it's like i've had mono or something.

i agree about daily routines. i fucked up and worked from home again today instead of going in. bad decission. i just woke up from a 4 hour nap and haven't eaten all day. dammit.

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